Author: The BPI Squirrel

Morning Feature – I Am a Crypto-Platypus

If President Obama is a “crypto-Muslim,” as the ever-unhinged Pat Robertson insists, then I am a crypto-platypus. (More) No, Mrs. Squirrel doesn’t lay eggs. Neither we nor our parents or children have duck bills, otter feet, or beaver tails. I don’t even have a venomous spur on my hind feet. In fact, we all look like … squirrels. Yes, we have tufted ears because we’re red squirrels. But we look nothing like platypuses. And that’s all part of our secret plot. I’ll let Pat Robertson and his guest Erick Stackelbeck explain: Robertson: What is it with the Obama administration? What is it, do you think Obama’s a crypto-Muslim or what’s the story? What do you think? Stackelbeck: I think he, and I describe this in the book, Pat, I think he is a revolutionary leftist. He’s a transformative leftist. He says he wants to fundamentally transform America, right? And he’s in the process of doing it now. And you’ll work, if you have that mindset, in my view, you will work with other entities that you may not agree with on everything. You’ll work with other entities against a common foe. For the hardcore left, for the hardcore Islamists, the common foe is Judeo-Christian civilization, at the end of the day, and turning that on its head. So we have strange bedfellows, I wrote a chapter on it in...

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Morning Feature – NASA Replies to Dexter

Dexter is seven years old and he wrote to NASA saying he wants to fly to Mars. Does no one at NASA know a seven-year-old? (More) The resident faculty took the day off to celebrate the 124th anniversary of Tijuana. Or at least that’s their excuse. I’m suspicious because they’re still denying the Tijuana Incident. Plus they tricked me into this roving reporter gig as work study to pay for my tuition while I finish my thesis on 21st Century Nuttitude – when BPI doesn’t even charge tuition – so you can understand why I’m suspicious. I think the resident faculty are really conducting a live experiment of the random walk algorithm, if you get my meaning. Regardless, your lowly mail room clerk is polishing her letter opener, so I have to take a day away from my research to be here. You’re welcome. And I’m sure that’s what Dexter said when he got the letter from NASA. Or at least his mom probably did. She posted a photo of his letter: You can click on the other thumbnails at the bottom to see NASA’s reply and some photos from Mars and NASA stickers. There’s even a picture of Dexter himself. In case you can’t read seven-year-old, here’s the text of his letter: My name is Dexter and I heard you are sending 2 people to Mars and I...

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Furthermore! – House Republicans’ Hostage Menu

House Republicans decided to write their latest debt ceiling demands on the back of a Chinese takeout menu. Their fortune cookie says “You will regret this.” (More) As a squirrel, I avoid Chinese food except for the snow peas, and I don’t eat those if they’re drowning in that sticky sauce. I burn off more calories cleaning the sauce off my face and paws than I got from the snow peas, which defeats the whole point of eating. Mrs. Squirrel found a takeout menu and she used it for two of the kitchen walls in Árbol Squirrel, so sometimes we text in an order for a small box of peanuts and snow peas. That’s not on their menu, but they know us so it’s fine. Unlike House Republicans, who have come up with a menu of demands in exchange for extending the debt ceiling: For a long-term deal, one that gives Treasury borrowing authority for three and a half years, Obama would have to agree to premium support. The plan to privatize Medicare, perhaps the most controversial aspect of the Ryan budget, is the holy grail for conservatives who say major deficit-reduction can only be achieved by making this type of cut to mandatory spending. “If the president wants to go big, there’s a big idea,” said [Louisiana Rep. Steve] Scalise. For a medium-sized increase in the debt limit,...

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Furthermore! – Once Upon Today: Two NSA Cryptographers Defect to Russia

For those who shocked by Edward Snowden’s flight to Russia, he’s following a path set by William Martin and Bernon Mitchell … once upon today. (More) With 1:16 left on the clock last night, the Boston Bruins led 2-1 and seemed poised to force a decisive Game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals. Then the Chicago Blackhawks scored two goals in 26 seconds. I don’t follow hockey, but Someone does and she’s grumpy. Worse, she’s stealing my grumpiness schtick … so I’m stealing her today-in-history schtick. On June 25, 1960, National Security Agency cryptographers William Martin and Bernon Mitchell left for a vacation in Mexico. Or at least that’s what they told the NSA. In fact they went from Mexico to Havana and then boarded a freighter for Russia. After six weeks the Pentagon put two and two together, and on August 5 announced that the two had probably defected. The two men confirmed that in a news conference in Moscow a month later. The speculation about Martin and Mitchell’s motives immediately turned to sex, as the our nation was founded in part by Puritans and Puritanism is, H.L. Mencken’s pithy phrase, “The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.” The two were bachelors, and friends, and they went on vacation and defected together. So clearly they were gay and that meant the government should step up efforts...

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Furthermore! – Mixed Nuts

Just as one paranoid wingnut conspiracy theory fades, along comes another batch of paranoid wingnuts. I think they’re out to get me… (More) After all, it’s no secret that I’m a squirrel, or that I’m doing my thesis on 21st Century Political Nuttitude. And I’ve hardly kept it a secret that my research sometimes makes me grumpy. That’s why I think the paranoid wingnuts are inventing new and ever more ridiculous conspiracy theories – at an ever-increasing pace – in the hope that I’ll overeat and get sick. Okay, I don’t really think that. But that’s the kind of logic you need for this latest bit of paranoid wingnuttery from Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT): On the Glenn Beck radio program Tuesday, Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) explained why he believes Roberts was intimidated into changing his vote late in the process[.] Lee’s argument is not based on the NSA or its monitoring of the nation’s communication. Rather, Lee said, there are indications that Roberts originally intended to vote against the act, but that a public “campaign of intimidation” made him change his mind. First, the senator claimed “the opinion was written in a way to suggest he switched his vote,” and that the dissenting opinion reads like it was originally written as the majority. He added that several news outlets reported that Roberts did change his vote, based on insider...

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