Author: Crissie Brown

Morning Feature: The 3rd Annual Bippies – Political Columns (Non-Cynical Saturday)

A Kurt Vonnegut novel cites Alexander Woollcott as having coined the phrase “ink stained wretch.” We hope both would applaud this year’s non-existent retchings…. (More) Welcome back to the conclusion of the 3rd Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies. Thursday we honored the best of non-existence in ads. Yesterday we honored movies and TV series that were not made. Today we reveal the bottoms of our Bippies, the pixelized retchings of political columns that were not written. Alexander Woollcott’s last words were reportedly “I never had anything to say,” and he is remembered for saying nothing at great length. That alone would be Bippie worthy. Yet while there is no confirmed source for Woollcott using the phrase “ink stained wretch” to describe writers in general and journalists in particular, a character in Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Deadeye Dick attributes the phrase to Woollcott. As fictional sources are almost a prerequisite for modern punditry, it seems appropriate to dedicate the 2011 BPI Awards for Political Columns to The Man Who Was The Man Who Came to Dinner. First let’s check in with our roving reporter for the conclusion of Scenes of the Behind: The Making of the Bippies. Squirrel@BPI: I’m just saying, a non-existent award winner should be able to lift a non-existent trophy, no matter how heav…. Oh, we’re on? Ahem. I’m here again with Ms. Scarlet, the...

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Campus Chatter – August 13, 2011

Today in history, greetings, and social banter here. (More) Hernán Cortés captured Tenochtitlán today (1521). Also, Harry Brearley produced stainless steel (1913), Opha Mae Johnson enlisted in the U.S. Marine Corps on the same day that Bayerische Motoren Werke (BMW) was founded (1918), the Central African Republic declared independence (1960), the first barriers of the Berlin Wall were erected (1961), and the Russian Orthodox Church agreed to send observers to the Second Vatican Council (1962). And the Apollo 11 crew emerged from a three-week quarantine for a ticker-tape parade in New York City (1969). Good morning!...

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Morning Feature: The 3rd Annual Bippies – Movies and TV Series

It’s been a wonderful year for non-existence in movies and TV. If you think what they made was good – or bad – consider what they didn’t make…. (More) Welcome back to the 3rd Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies. Yesterday we honored the best of non-existence in ads. Today we take another break from reality to consider more fiction that did not exist: movies and TV series that were not made. First, however, we should address the rumor that reality has begun to look like bad fiction because the Bippies ignore real fiction to honor fictitious fiction. There is no denying BPI’s impact on non-existence – yet again, every major entertainment media reporter is not here to cover the Bippies – but we reject the idea that honoring non-existent movies and TV shows encourages people to behave as if Realworldia does not exist. To quote our roving reporter: “I don’t break the news. It was already broken when I got there.” And speaking of our roving reporter, let’s take another peek at Scenes of the Behind: The Making of the Bippies. Squirrel@BPI: Thank you. I’m here again with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and coveted Bippie. I see that mold finally dried, Ms. Scarlet. Do you feel better? Scarlet@BPI: Yes. What a relief. Squirrel@BPI: What a relief, indeed. In the next step of the...

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Campus Chatter – August 12, 2011

Today in history, greetings, and social banter here. (More) Cleopatra committed suicide today (30 BCE). Also, Isaac Singer patented his sewing machine (1851), Asaph Hall discovered the Mars moon Deimos (1877), the Spanish-American War ended (1898), NASA launched Echo 1A (1960), Japan and China signed the Treaty of Peace and Friendship (1978), and the Montevideo Treaty established the Latin American Integration Association (1980). And IBM released their personal computer (1981). The Janitor Professor of Astrology spent the week making predictions for the 3rd Annual Bippies. Bippiescopes will return next week. Good morning!...

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Morning Feature: The 3rd Annual Bippies – The Ads

Tired of the same old ads? We have different ads, with cutting edge exclamation point technology! Read now! Pixels are standing by! (More) The 3rd Annual Bippies – The Ads Welcome to the 3rd Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies. Yes, once again it’s time to take a break from reality to honor the best of non-reality. As with the past two years, every major entertainment reporter is not here to cover our awards for excellence in non-existence, including Zen Master Wi Dono, who did not even think about joining us. And as with the past two years, we’re not in the opulent Kodiak Theater. The Fish and Game Commission said the bears reserved it for salmon volleyball, which takes priority because it’s a game for fish. So, yet again, we reveal our Bippies online. But before we get started, we’re thrilled to offer a new featurette this year, Scenes of the Behind: The Making of the Bippies. So let’s go to our roving reporter backstage…. Squirrel@BPI: Thank you. I’m here with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and coveted Bippie. How are you, Ms. Scarlet? Scarlet@BPI: I’m kind of antsy. Squirrel@BPI: Excited about the start of this year’s awards? Scarlet@BPI: At this point I’m excited for anything to start. I’ve been sitting on this plaster mold for an hour. Couldn’t they get the fast-drying kind?...

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