“I see you’re all playing with the house’s chips,” Professor Plum said as he walked into the mail room.

He read the mail…. (More)

Professor Plum then left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, they were indeed playing with the house’s chips because Chef’s poker case has plenty. Plus it would be confusing if everyone brought their own. And it was confusing enough already, as almost half of the chips were stacked in front of the Professor of Astrology Janitor, whose pocket Aces had just held up against the Squirrel’s pocket Kings. So the Professor of Astrology Janitor was feeling frisky when he peeked at the Jack and Ten of Hearts, and he opened with a pot-sized raise. Chef called and the Squirrel tossed his cards in the muck.

The flop brought the Ace of Clubs, Jack of Diamonds, and Ten of Spades, giving the Professor of Astrology Janitor two pair, but the bottom two pair. Chef checked and the Professor of Astrology Janitor put in a half-pot-sized bet. After pausing for a moment, Chef called.

The Ten of Diamonds on the turn gave the Professor of Astrology Janitor Tens full of Jacks. Again Chef checked, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor checked behind, hoping to conceal the strength of his hand.

The King of Spades fell on the river, and Chef put in a pot-sized bet. Did she have a Queen and think an Ace-high straight was good? Perhaps Ace-King and top two pair? A pair of Kings, for Kings full?

The Professor of Astrology Janitor couldn’t fold a full house, so he called.

“Wow,” Chef said as she saw his cards and turned over her King-Ten. “I thought I was good all along.”

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling and Chef went to the kitchen to make Ultimate Tofu Breakfast Burritos, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

People shouldn’t worry about a trade war. The S&P 500 is up 31 percent since I was elected. This is the time. You know the expression we’re playing with the bank’s money? That’s what I’m doing.

The President of the United States, Chief Executive, Commander in Chief, and Leader of the Free World

Dear God-King,

We hope you will take that message to soybean farmers in the Midwest, whose livelihood is at stake:

“Soybeans are the top agriculture export for the United States, and China is the top market for purchasing those exports,” said John Heisdorffer, a soybean grower from Keota, Iowa, and president of the American Soybean Association (ASA). “The math is simple. You tax soybean exports at 25-percent, and you have serious damage to U.S. farmers.”

We note that while your family and other wealthy investors may have a cushion in the S&P 500’s gains, Heisdorffer and other farmers don’t. You may lose only “the bank’s money.” They may lose their farms and their life savings.

So, again, we hope you take your message to soybean farmers in the Midwest. Tell them wealthy investors won’t lose any real money if the farmers go under. We’re sure they will applaud your financial genius.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Does Chef hope to boost the domestic soy market by making those Ultimate Tofu Breakfast Burritos? Why not just buy the roasted soybeans? You know, for snacks and stuff.

Beaning for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Squirrel,

Chef says she did buy some roasted soybeans, still in the shell, for you and your family. And yes, she hopes that recipes like the one at the link below might convince more Americans to buy soy products, to help those farmers. Bon appétit!

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Image Credits — Donald Trump: StickPNG.com; Burning Money: Epic Slow Mo (YouTube); Illustration: Crissie Brown (BPICampus.com)

God-King; John Heisdorffer.

Ultimate Tofu Breakfast Burritos.

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Happy Sunday!