“Please tell me it’s over,” Professor Plum said as he walked into the mail room. He read the mail…. (More)
“I haven’t sung yet,” Chef said.
Professor Plum cocked a brow. “Uh, I don’t get it.”
Chef shrugged. “It’s not over til the fat lady sings.”
The Squirrel tapped at his Blewberry: “You’re not fat, Chef.”
“U reely izzint,” Pootie the Precious pawed on her iHazPhone.
“True,” Chef said, “but Ms. Scarlet and the mail room clerk are thinner than I am. So compared to them….”
“Okay, sing already,” Professor Plum said. “Please.”
He left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the
wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).
Everyone’s hands were to chilly to shuffle the cards, so the staff poker game was canceled. The
Professor of Astrology Janitor blew on his hands and began his plaintive mewling. Chef went to the kitchen to make Ham and Cheese Casserole Hot Breakfast Sandwiches, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Will you do a 2017 Year in Review this year?
Folding My Tail Over My Nose in Blogistan
We apologize for the chill. Even South Blogistan has something of a winter. As for the year in review, umm, sure, okay….
January – Over 400 million Americans attended the God-King’s apotheosis, according to the Outhouse Sewer Spewer, who spoke from behind a potted plant. Numerous fact-checkers noted that this exceeded the Census Bureau’s numbers for the entire country’s population, but the Kellyanne Conway said the Outhouse was using “alternative facts.”
February – FBI Director James Comey was possessed by the ghost of John Hathorne, one of three presiding judges during the Salem Witch Trials. This demonic influence, coupled with the Deep State Swamp, compelled Comey to continue an ongoing investigation of Russian meddling in the 2016 election. The God-King insisted that the probe had nothing at all to do with the evidence-based consensus of U.S. intelligence agencies that Russia did, indeed, meddle in the 2016 election, because that evidence might also point to a 400-pound 13-year-old in a basement. Meanwhile, Director of National Security Michael Flynn resigned because … just because. It had nothing to do with lying to the FBI about meetings with Russians or ongoing work for other foreign governments. In fact, there are no Russians or other foreign governments. Those world maps are fake news.
March – The God-King fired FBI Director James Comey because Comey refused to undergo an exorcism to expunge Hathorne’s ghost. Or because Comey bungled the Hillary Clinton investigation. Or because morale at the FBI was plummeting. Or because the God-King wanted Comey to let Flynn go and end the investigation of Russian meddling, which is just a witch hunt because there are no Russians. And no witches either. Yet. Anyway, it was one of those things. Or something else entirely. Check the God-King’s Twitter feed for updates.
April – Senate and House Republicans overwhelmingly agreed to repeal and replace Obamacare with a new health care system that was beautiful and would cover everyone bigly and beautifully. But their beautiful plan was blocked by dastardly Democrats who refused to vote for it, so the overwhelming agreement of Republicans – who held majorities in both chambers – did not total enough votes to pass a bill.
May – Deputy Attorney General Rod
Rosencranz Guildenstein Rosenstein appointed former FBI Director Robert Mueller to investigate whether Crooked Hillary sold uranium to Russia to undermine the God-King’s historic and record-breaking electoral victory. But Mueller was quickly possessed by the ghost of Samuel Sewall, another of the magistrates during the Salem Witch Trials, and decided instead to investigate Russian meddling in the 2016 election. Which is all fake news because Russia doesn’t even exist, except for buying that uranium from Crooked Hillary.
June – The God-King announced that the U.S. would withdraw from the Paris Climate Accords because the climate doesn’t even exist. Neither does Paris. Except for their really cool military parades on Bastille Day. Which we should have in D.C., for the God-King.
July – The God-King attended the really cool military parade on Bastille Day, in Paris, which doesn’t exist except when he’s there. European leaders bowed at his feet and praised his beautiful hands and really high IQ, and those photos that show them ducking away from him are all Photoshopped.
August – Democrats worried that Crooked Hillary’s fake news book would crush voter enthusiasm for elections later that year in New Jersey and Virginia, and a special U.S. senate election in Alabama, or maybe 2018, or whenever, but the point is that Hillary should just shut up and go away because nobody wants to know what she thinks about anything, anymore, ever. And in Charlottesville, one person was killed and 19 were injured when Antifa terrorists attacked fine people who were carrying torches and shouting Nazi slogans because the fine people wanted to protest the removal of a Confederate statue, which has nothing to do with white supremacy or Nazis and is all about the heritage and history of every real white American. Oh wait, one of those fine people drove the car that killed one person and injured 19 others. Well, both sides.
September – Over 300,000 people bought copies of Hillary Clinton’s book What Happened, pushing it to the top of the bestseller lists, but nobody wants to know what she thinks about anything, anymore, ever.
October – An Antifa terrorist opened fire on a crowded concert in Las Vegas, killing 58 people and wounded 550 others, which proves that liberals must be…. Oh wait, the gunman was a white male wingnut, so that’s the price of freedom. Also, Chief Inquisitor Robert Mueller tortured a grand jury until they indicted Paul Manafort and Robert Gates, who never even worked for the God-King’s campaign and just showed up to with coffee and donuts and nobody wanted to tell them to go away. And dozens of women accused Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment and rape – the first of hundreds of revelations against scores of predatory men – so Bill Clinton and Crooked Hillary should be in jail.
November – Democrats swept elections in New Jersey and Virginia, but they could have done better if Crooked Hillary would just go away and let Bernie Sanders run the Democratic Party. Also, Chief Inquisitor Robert Mueller tortured George Papadapawhatever who probably isn’t even a real person and certainly never did anything for the God-King’s campaign so it doesn’t matter if he pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about his contacts with Russia which doesn’t even exist. Besides, Mueller and the FBI are possessed by ghosts, or liberals, or liberal ghosts. Also, several women accused Alabama U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore of harassing and molesting them when they were teenagers, which is fake news because one of them only had one phone in her house and another made notes in her yearbook and besides, none of them was ever really a teenager. Meanwhile, one woman – okay, two – okay, six – accused Sen. Al Frankengroper of sexual misconduct, so he resigned, which proves Bill Clinton and Crooked Hillary should be in jail.
December – Roy Moore won the Alabama U.S. Senate election, or would have except for the hundreds of thousands of black people who voted illegally for Democrat Doug Jones, and we know they voted illegally because
they’re black some guy joked about busing in voters from Mississippi and they’re black, and the election results clearly did not match historical trends in Alabama and they’re black, and the Constitution and God’s will demand that the election results be set aside AND THEY’RE BLACK. But Alabama elections officials – all Republicans – still certified Jones as the winner, so Senate Republicans will agree to seat him right after hell freezes over. Meanwhile, Chief Inquisitor Robert Mueller tortured Michael Flynn until he confessed to witchcraft, or lying to the FBI, or some other trivial something that had nothing to do with Russia, which doesn’t exist, meddling in the 2016 election, which the God-King won hugely, more than anyone in history. Also, Breitbart News reported that all feminists are witches, and that’s who Robert Mueller should really go after, especially the coven leader, Crooked Hillary. So there.
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Breakfast is Ready in Blogistan
P.S. To make Ham and Cheese Casserole Hot Breakfast Sandwiches, cut 1 cup of ham into small cubes and fry in a hot, buttered skillet. When ham begins to brown, stir in ½ cup of minced green onions, then scoop ham and onions out to cool. Whisk 4 eggs in a bowl and scramble in the skillet. When eggs begin to thicken, stir in ham, onions, and ½ cup of shredded cheddar cheese. Move skillet to 350º oven for 5-8 minutes, until eggs set up fully. Crumble egg mixture with spatula and spread on buttered rye toast. Bon appétit!
Thank you for that lovely recipe. And no, you’re not fat, but thank you for singing anyway. Now … it’s over.
Image Credit: Crissie Brown (BPICampus.com)