I guess I’m just too humble…. (More)
I got a call from the editors of TIME yesterday. I didn’t even know they worked on Black Friday. Maybe they didn’t want to take their families to the mall. I was nibbling on the leftovers when my Blewberry chitter-chimed:
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Hello?
TIME EDITOR: Hi, is this Regis Phlyphytyfts PhlyphyTyl the Third?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Yes. Who’s this?
TIME EDITOR: I’m calling from TIME maga–
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: –I don’t want a subscription. Thanks anyway. Bye.
I’d barely had time to take another nibble when my Blewberry chitter-chimed again:
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Ullp-o?
TIME EDITOR: Hi Regis. Please don’t hang up. I’m not trying to sell you a subscription.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Urrp-kay. Sorry, I’m eating leftovers.
TIME EDITOR: Ooh, turkey and dressing and cranber–
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Macadamia-stuffed-pecans, actually.
TIME EDITOR: Ahh. Coz you’re a squirrel. I should have guessed.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: So what can I do for you?
TIME EDITOR: Well, you know we do an annual Person of the Year thing. Big honor. Cover photo. All that.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Yes, I’ve seen it.
TIME EDITOR: Thing is, this year we’d like to change it up. Do a Squirrel of the Year. Specifically, you.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Umm–
TIME EDITOR: In fact, we’ve already done a mockup cover. Check your email.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Okay. Hold on.
TIME EDITOR: Sure thing.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: I’m looking at my Blewberry and I see a pic of me looking at my Blewberry. Couldn’t that cause a space-time warp or something?
TIME EDITOR: Are you in your office, on the poker table?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: No, I have the afternoon off. I’m up in Árbol Squirrel, watching The Ashes.
TIME EDITOR: Is something burning?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: I don’t think so. Oh not those kind of ashes. The Ashes is an annual cricket series between England and Australia. It’s a Very Big Thing.
TIME EDITOR: Yeah, I guess you would follow cricket, with your ancestry and all.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Plus it’s … hey, that was LBW!
TIME EDITOR: Huh?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Leg Before Wicket. The ball would have hit the stumps but the batsman blocked it with his shin guard. So he should be out, but the umpire didn’t call it. Oh good, they’re calling for a review.
TIME EDITOR: Ahh. Sorry. I don’t follow the game. Anyway, we’d like to honor you. In-depth interview, tell people why you’re such an amazing squirrel. Fly you up for a photo shoo–
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: –You’ve followed my work, right? I mean, that’s why you want to do this thingy?
TIME EDITOR: Of course.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Then you should know I hate traveling. Especially flying. I’ve done it before. It didn’t go well.
TIME EDITOR: Yeah, we saw that. We thought maybe it was humor. You were in Rome when the Conclave chose Pope Francis, right?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Yep, and I almost choked on the smoke. Then on the way home … well … you’ve read the stories. So no, I really don’t want to fly up there. Sorry.
TIME EDITOR: We really want to do a professional photo for this.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: You don’t like the BPI Grafix Department’s pic?
TIME EDITOR: That’s 3D art. We want a real photo.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Could you maybe fly someone down here?
TIME EDITOR: Have you seen the revenues for news organizations lately? I mean, how much does BPI Campus pay you?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Ummm … it’s a work-study program.
TIME EDITOR: There ya go. Our budget’s pretty tight.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Maybe you could honor the Pizza Squirrel instead? He might like to fly.
TIME EDITOR: Who’s that?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: I’ll forward it to you. Check your email.
TIME EDITOR: Hold on.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Sure thing.
I nibbled more leftovers while she checked her email and found this:
— Jay Cridlin (@JayCridlin) November 17, 2017
TIME EDITOR: Yeah, that squirrel is pretty cool. But we kinda agreed that, if we were going to do a Squirrel of the Year, it would have to be you. Because of your amazingness.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: That’s very kind, but I think I’ll have to pass.
TIME EDITOR: Sigh. I guess we’ll just do a Person of the Year again.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Sorry about that. Just one thing.
TIME EDITOR: Yes?
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: Please-oh-please don’t make the God-King your Person of the Year.
TIME EDITOR: Oh hell no. We’ll find someone else. Hell, if we have to, we’ll make the Person of the Year … Anyone Else.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: That would send a message.
TIME EDITOR: Well, thanks anyway, Regis. It’s been amazing to speak to your amazingness.
THE AMAZINGNESS OF ME: I’m sure. And thank you for the honor. Have a great day.
TIME EDITOR: You too.
So there you have it. I had a chance to be Squirrel of the Year, but I’m just too humble. Plus the travel thing.
Of course none of that is true. But it’s as true as this:
Time Magazine called to say that I was PROBABLY going to be named “Man (Person) of the Year,” like last year, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 24, 2017
Yeah, not so much:
The President is incorrect about how we choose Person of the Year. TIME does not comment on our choice until publication, which is December 6.
— TIME (@TIME) November 25, 2017
Back to those macadamia-stuffed-pecans….
Image Credit: Crissie Brown (BPICampus.com)
Good day and good nuts