“I’ll go outside and flip Irma the bird,” Professor Plum said as he walked into the mail room.

He read the mail…. (More)

Ms. Scarlet told him it would be foolish to go outside during the hurricane.

“I’ll do it this morning, while it’s still calm,” Professor Plum said. “Irma’s eye is big enough to see me, I’m sure.”

Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet then left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll shelter for the weekend while drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum “More wine, more truth.”

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor decided to evacuate the pot. He had opened by calling with the Six and Five of Clubs, hoping to see a cheap flop. But the Squirrel also called and Chef offered a pot-sized raise. He knew she would not raise in that situation without something, and pretty much any Something was better than his almost Nothing. The Professor of Astrology Janitor slid his cards into the muck and the Squirrel called, so he also had Something. All in all, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was glad he decided to evacuate early.

Until the flop brought the Seven and Four of Clubs and the Eight of Diamonds. The Squirrel checked and Chef checked behind him. The Professor of Astrology Janitor guessed that Chef had a big pair: Aces, Kings, or Queens. He also knew he would have flopped an Eight-high straight, with a straight-flush Club draw to boot.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor tried to sit calmly as he didn’t want to influence the rest of the pot, but it was hard not to groan when the Three of Clubs fell on the turn. It was even harder when Chef put in a half-pot-sized bet and the Squirrel replied with a pot-sized raise. Chef may have been trying to steal the pot, or maybe she had the Ace and King of Clubs for an Ace-high flush. The Professor of Astrology Janitor figured the Squirrel had either a flush or three-of-a-kind. Chef paused for a moment and called, all but confirming her Ace-high flush.

The Eight of Hearts fell on the river. The Squirrel checked, probably intending to check-raise with a full house, the Professor of Astrology Janitor suspected. Chef must have suspected it as well. She folded and patted the table. “You got me at the river.”

The Squirrel nodded and gathered in his chips. Now the Professor of Astrology Janitor could reveal the bitter truth: “I folded the Five and Six of Clubs. I’d have flopped a straight and finished with a straight flush.”

“It would have been a nice pot, too,” Chef said.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling and Chef went to the kitchen to make a Hearty Pre-Hurricane Breakfast, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

YO SO THIS GOOFY LOOKING WINDY HEADASS NAMED IRMA SAID THEY PULLING UP ON US. LET’S SHOW IRMA THAT WE SHOOT FIRST. It’s time we took a stand against this bully! This is our home, nobody drives us out of our own territory. Join me in this fight as we shoot flames at Hurricane Irma and dissipate her on the spot.

Ryon in FL

Dear Ryon (and the 46,000 others who said they may join you),

We hope you offered this ‘event’ as a joke and don’t intend to follow through. Then again, you’re 22 years old and male, so we shouldn’t take it for granted that you comprehend the awesome power of a hurricane. So we’ll both a comparison and a typography that you might respect:

A HURRICANE CAN RELEASE THE ENERGY OF 10,000 NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

Whether you “shoot first” – or indeed whether you shoot at all – will make not a whit of difference. Okay, that’s not quite true. It’s possible the bullets will come back down on you or, more likely, that you’ll be hit by other flying debris because you’re outside in hurricane-force winds. Regardless, your gun-toting machismo won’t affect Irma at all … not even if all 46,000 of the people who signed up for your event actually show.

Again, we hope this was a joke and that you’ll shelter safely. If not, we suspect you’ll learn a harsh lesson: nature doesn’t care about man-made borders or property rights. If a hurricane wants to drive you out of your own territory … it can and it will.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Please tell me those wahoos aren’t anywhere near the Main Campus. Also, what is a Hearty Pre-Hurricane Breakfast?

Sheltering for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Squirrel,

Ryon in FL’s event lists only “Florida” as a location, so we have no idea where he’ll be … or more likely not be. However, we note that every window on the Main Campus is coated with hurricane film. While that won’t stop a high-velocity bullet, it will stop wind-blown debris and that – plus other hurricane-protective features such as our hip roof and the steel straps that tie the joists to the frame, plus the fact that we’re not in a flood zone – is why we are sheltering at the Main Campus.

We note that the latest track projects that Irma will pass directly over us, but only as a Category 1 or 2 storm, similar to what we experienced with Hurricanes Frances and Jeanne in 2004. Neither of those caused any significant damage, and we feel a bit more confident now that the storm has weakened. Well, unless Ryon is a neighbor….

As for a Hearty Pre-Hurricane Breakfast, Chef is pulling out all the stops: eggs made to order, your choice of bacon or sausage, hash browns, cheesy grits, and pancakes. She’s saving the fruit salad for tomorrow morning, when we may not have power to cook. Bon appétit!

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Photo Credit: PhotographyIsNotACrime

Ryon in FL; “nobody drives us out of our own territory;” “a hurricane can release the energy of 10,000 nuclear weapons.”

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Happy Sunday!