It’s always poignant when we reveal the bottoms of our Bippies, because these columns have not been written…. (More)

Welcome back to the 9th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Thursday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Yesterday we honored TV series and movies that were not made. Today we conclude with political columns that were not written.

Once again this year, Zen Master Wi Dono did not send us this lovely text:

 

I’m sure you’re as touched as we weren’t. We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak theatre, where the bears are recovering from their visit by the vet, and the vet is recovering from visiting the bears….

We’re almost ready for our final set of nominees, but first let’s return to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for the thrilling conclusion of their behind-the-scenes featurette – Bigger Better Bippies….

Scarlet@BPI: So after the step-ball-chain I pivot and —

Squirrel@BPI: — and I jump up. Oh, we’re back. So, Ms. Scarlet, are you ready for our Big Musical Number?

Scarlet@BPI: Are you sure you can jump that far?

Squirrel@BPI: Squirrels are expert jumpers. If you hold your pose, I’ll hit my mark.

Scarlet@BPI: Okay. Should we go over the lyrics again?

Squirrel@BPI: I’m pretty sure we both remember them. But we should warm up our voices. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmmmmmm

Scarlet@BPI: Good idea. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmmmmmmm

Squirrel@BPI: Okay, cue the orchestra.

Orchestra: [Tympani rolls, strings swell, brass blares]

Together: [Step-step-ball-chain-pose-hop]

MsScarletSquirrelBigMusicalNumber

Together: NIIIIIIINE!

Orchestra: [Cymbal crash]

Scarlet@BPI: We’re really getting good at these Big Musical Numbers!

Squirrel@BPI: Did I curl my tail enough?

Scarlet@BPI: The director gave us a thumbs-up.

Squirrel@BPI: Whew! Well, that’s all the time we have. Thank you for another look behind the Bippies, Ms. Scarlet!

Scarlet@BPI: You’re so welcome!

Together: See you next year! MmmWAH!

Whew, I’ll need a moment to catch my breath after that exciting musical number.

Umm, I shouldn’t have breathed in so deep. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2016 BPI Awards in Political Columns That Were Not Written:

Recovery Is Hard by Sean Spicer

Lead: I’m writing this in crayon because they don’t let us have pens or pencils here. Just want everyone to know I’m doing better. My doc says I’m starting to take responsibility for all the ridiculous lies I told while I was the White House Press Secretary. And wow, I told some whoppers. I kinda had a setback when I read them out in group, because the other patients were rolling on the floor in laughter. But as I read over the list again, I realized … it really was kinda funny. Politically toxic, sometimes, but funny.

WhiTeeVee by Stephen Bannon

Lead: I promised this last year but I got delayed by that White House job. Sheesh, we were gonna replace the alligators in the swamp with our own alligators, but their alligators were bigger and craftier. And saner. So I’m out. Sigh. Anyway, I’m still gonna start my own news network, WhiTeeVee, for people who think Fox News is too … colorful. All of our hosts will be white. All of our guests will be white. Our sets will be white. We’re even ordering white lapel mikes and earbuds. Because as we see it, America can’t be too white.

Well Shit by Paul Ryan

Lead: This was supposed to be so much easier. A Republican President, at least kinda. A Republican Senate, barely. And my Republican House, solidly. So wham Obamacare and bam tax reform and boom stricter immigration and … voila … Rightopia! And then…. Well, I don’t have to tell you. Turns out no one in my party has the foggiest clue how to actually do the jobs for which we were elected. I know how to whack my gavel, but that’s pretty much it. So no wham bam boom. There’s just whack whack whack.

I Quit by Donald Trump

Lead: So I sat down, beautifully, at my desk in the Oval Office. Not many people know this, but it’s called the Oval Office because it’s shaped like an oval. That means it has many sides. Many sides. What it doesn’t have is a mirror, and why not? Shouldn’t I be able to see The Most Powerful Man in the World while I’m watching Fox News and tweeting? I asked Ivanka, not many people know this, but she’s a designer. So she designed a mirror for me. A great mirror. Beautiful gold trim. It’s yuuuge. So I’m watching Fox News and tweeting and looking up to see The Most Powerful Man in the World and it hits me … that guy in the mirror is a total fraud. Total. Many people say even more total than P.T. Barnum and L. Ron Hubbard. So I quit.

Sniffle. We always get teary at this point in the ceremony, because the BPI Awards are almost over and because those columns weren’t written. Honk-snorfle-honk. Dab dab. Sorry. Okay….

And the winner is … Well Shit by Paul Ryan, because confession is good for the soul, albeit not for the reputation.

Well, that’s it for the 2017 BPI Awards. Thanks again to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for their behind-the-scenes featurette, and thank you for joining us. We’ll see you here next year!

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Image Credit: Crissie Brown (BPICampus.com)

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Good day and good nuts