Sometimes we should be grateful for nonexistence. Take these TV shows and movies, for example…. (More)

Welcome back to the 9th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Yesterday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Today we honor TV series and movies that were not made.

We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak Theater where the bears did not much like their vet visit. Neither did the vet, but his doctor predicts a full recovery. And hundreds of entertainment reporters from around the world didn’t stop to ponder what they don’t know, so they’re still unaware of our awards and still not here to cover them.

Before we return to the awards, let’s check in with the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet in this year’s behind-the-scenes featurette – Bigger Better Behinds:

Squirrel@BPI: I kinda like breathing, you know.

Scarlet@BPI: A cummerbund should fit snugly.

Squirrel@BPI: Should it suffocate … oh, we’re on. Hello again and welcome back to our behind-the-scenes featurette with Ms. Scarlet. So, this is your ninth year modeling for the BPI Awards. What’s your favorite part about this role?

Scarlet@BPI: Velcro and fur are not a great combination. Ahh, got it. You were saying?

Squirrel@BPI: I … was … asking … about….

Scarlet@BPI: Oh please, it’s not that tight. Try sitting in a tub of plaster for an hour.

Squirrel@BPI: It takes that long for the mold to dry?

Scarlet@BPI: No, but Chef got busy in the kitchen and forgot me. Then we had to do it all over.

Squirrel@BPI: Why?

Scarlet@BPI: I’d had chili for lunch and there were bubbles from when I–

Okay then. We’ll check in with them again later. For now, we’ll move on to the awards. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2016 BPI Awards for TV Series that were not made:

Tanned in Naugahyde

Join us as four master craftsmen make signature belts, shoes, and holsters. We wanted them to show them tanning and working with real leather but animal rights groups objected. So did the judges, because the stench was almost as bad as our ratings.

Ghosts of Whoville

Some people say Whoville is the most haunted town in the animated universe. People see stuff and then it gets rough. The weirder the thing, the more they sing. Plus they rhyme, all the time.

Frozen Fears

This Nordic noir import features gruesome crimes, grumpy characters, and gloomy resolutions. And they spend a lot of time driving, so you can marvel at the colorless vistas.

All three nominees are certainly worthy of non-existence. But before we reveal any winners, let’s see the nominees for movies that were not made:

Space Wars, Part Something-or-Other: Yet Another Sequel

Trailer: In a world where no once-original premise can be beaten into the ground, buried, exhumed, and beaten yet again, members of the original cast return to wave from the background while new Rebel leaders battle to save the galaxy from the Dark Emperor. Yet again.

Director’s Comment: I can explain why I made this picture in two words: cha…ching.

The Invisibles

Trailer: In a world filled with buff superheroes and superheroines in spandex, what if they were invisible?

Director’s Comment: The thing people rarely mention: it’s the villains who make superhero movies worth watching. Plus hiring voice actors for superheroes is a lot cheaper than putting them on screen.

Donkey Hotay

Trailer: Sure, you’ve read the classic novel and seen the musical. But you’ve never seen Cervantes’ epic quest played by barnyard animals.

Director’s Comment: Everyone’s making sequels and spin-offs, so I wanted to do something original. Oh well.

We are truly lucky to have such non-existent nominees. And the winners are …

Tanned in Naugahyde and The Invisibles, because the winners from that show could make the costumes for that movie.

And that’s all the time we have today. Join us tomorrow as we conclude with political columns that were not written.


Image Credit: Crissie Brown (


Good day and good nuts