Yet again we review the best in non-existence with the 2017 BPI Awards, and ads that total zero…. (More)

Welcome to the 9th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies! Each year the resident faculty empty their minds – it doesn’t take long – and celebrate the very best in non-existence.

As always, entertainment reporters remained blissfully unaware of our awards, and Zen Master Wi Dono didn’t send us a special blessing because he was busy meditating on dividing by infinity.

Yet again, we are not at the opulent Kodiak Theatre, because the bears were having a visit from the vet. We suggested they open their mouths for the thermometer, rather than letting the vets try the other end. Meanwhile, once again, we reveal our Bippies online.

An update on last year’s behind-the-scenes featurette – Skid Marks: Stopping Behind the Bippies, starring the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet. YouTube blocked that video, citing their decency standards … which apparently are more real than the Bippies.

The Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet return with a new featurette titled Bigger, Better Behinds. Let’s take a look:

Scarlet@BPI: I kinda resent them saying this year’s Bippies are “bigger.”

Squirrel@BPI: I think they meant the set. I’m here with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and covet–

Scarlet@BPI: –I mean, I didn’t gain any weight.

Squirrel@BPI: Of course not. You look wonderful, as always.

Scarlet@BPI: Flattery will get you macadamias.

Squirrel@BPI: Yeah, they put a bowl on the table for me. With three macadamias. Three.

Scarlet@BPI: I’m not even sure there’s coffee in this cup.

Squirrel@BPI: And the plants are plastic.

Scarlet@BPI: But these stools are comfy.

Squirrel@BPI: Indeed. The curtain’s kinda cool too. Are those clouds?

Scarlet@BPI: I’m not sure. The glare of the studio lights of this award statue has me blinking a lot.

Squirrel@BPI: It does have a very smooth finish.

Scarlet@BPI: Well, I don’t have much cellulite.

Squirrel@BPI: I’m sure….

We’ll get back to them later.

Our first category honors the best in non-existent advertising. Yet again, it was difficult to distinguish real non-existence from the non-existent reality of most ads. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab and the results then sealed in the bottom of Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2015 BPI Awards in Non-Existent Advertising:

HairGro International – “My Own Hair!”

Pattern baldness had me insecure, but then I went to HairGrow. This is my … own … hair. I can comb this hair. I can wash this hair. I can mess this hair up if I want. I can shave half of it off, douse the other half with kerosene, light it on fire, and use an ice pick to stab the bugs as they run out. Well, I could do that, if I want. It’s my … own … hair! – “I Won!”

I won this five-hundred-dollar computer for just forty-nine dollars at Of course, I lost four hundred other auctions along the way, so it actually cost me about six hundred bucks. Plus it had no warranty. Plus I had to pay for shipping. And I already had a computer, which is how I spent all those hours making all those bids. But I won!

Dodchevram – “Like a Stone”

We could show one of our tough trucks climbing a forty-five degree grade. We could show one of our rugged trucks towing an ocean liner. We could even show one of these studly trucks cornering at sixty miles an hour, professional driver on a close course, do not attempt. But we’d rather show it doing what your manly truck will do. So here it is, sitting in a driveway. Like a stone.

People For Animals Being People – “So Sad”

Listen to this sad song. Look at these lonely puppies, and this cute kitten. Here’s an iguana that wants a bigger terrarium. This cockatiel wants a new newspaper to crap on. You can’t adopt these animals because they were adopted like, weeks ago. But for just a dollar a day, you can sponsor other adoptions, so other animals can be people too. Or just sit there and cry.

Well, that’s certainly a cross-section of non-existence. And the winner is …

… Dodchevram’s “Like a Stone,” because at least they’re honest. Join us tomorrow for Movies and TV Shows that were never made!


Image Credit: Crissie Brown (


Good day and good nuts