Special prosecutor Robert Mueller may use the Reflecting Pool for his investigation…. (More)

“Why do witches burn?”

An hour ago on Good Today Morning, special prosecutor Robert Mueller said he may begin his investigation of the God-King’s ties to Russian intelligence at the Reflecting Pool on the National Mall:

Peasants: We have found a witch! (A witch! a witch!)
Burn her burn her!

Peasant 1: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
(cheers)
Vladimir: How do you known she is a witch?
P2: She looks like one!
V: Bring her forward
(advance)
Woman: I’m not a witch! I’m not a witch!
V: ehh… but you are dressed like one.
W: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn’t… no.
W: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
(V lifts up carrot)
V: Well?
P1: Well we did do the nose
V: The nose?
P1: …And the hat, but she is a witch!
(all: yeah, burn her burn her!)
V: Did you dress her up like this?
P1: No! (no no… no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But she has got a wart!
(P3 points at wart)
V: What makes you think she is a witch?
P2: Well, she turned me into a newt!
V: A newt?!
(P2 pause & look around)
P2: I got better.
(pause)
P3: Burn her anyway! (burn her burn her burn!)
(king walks in)
V: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
P1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
V: Tell me… what do you do with witches?
P3: Burn’em! Burn them up! (burn burn burn)
V: What do you burn apart from witches?
P1: More witches! (P2 nudge P1)
(pause)
P3: Wood!
V: So, why do witches burn?
(long pause)
P2: Cuz they’re made of… wood?
V: Gooood.
(crowd congratulates P2)
V: So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?
P1: Build a bridge out of her!
V: Ahh, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
P1: Oh yeah…
V: Does wood sink in water?
P1: No
P3: No. It floats!
P1: Let’s throw her into the bog! (yeah yeah ya!)
V: What also floats in water?
P1: Bread
P3: Apples
P2: Very small rocks
(V looks annoyed)
P1: Cider
P3: Grape gravy
P1: Cherries
P3: Mud
King: A Duck!
(all look and stare at king)
V: Exactly! So, logically…
P1(thinking): If she ways the same as a duck… she’s made of wood!
V: And therefore,
(pause & think)
P3: A witch! (P1: a witch)(P2: a witch)(all: a witch!)

Mueller said he got the idea from the God-King’s Twitter tantrum yesterday

… and from another Twitter tantrum by Rep. Mark Walker (R-NC):

“There are now plenty of ducks in the Reflecting Pool,” Mueller added, popping a Tic Tac in his mouth, “so it should be very easy to determine whether the President of the United States is lying, or merely whining.”

Mueller said he has “no current plans” to burn the president if he does, in fact, weigh the same as a duck. But after eating another Tic Tac, he noted: “If we get to that point, we won’t need to light a pyre. He has more than enough hot air to self-immolate.”

Asked why he was consuming Tic Tacs, Mueller said: “I heard about an interview technique where you grab someone by the genitals. And the guy who invented that interview method just spoke at a big Christian university, so I figured it must work.”

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Photo Credit: YouTube

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Good day and good nuts