Last night the God-King and Vice God-King resigned and, under the Thirty-Fourth Amendment, Bernie Sanders will become President of the United States…. (More)

“I’m going out a winner!”

Rumors began to swirl when the God-King was seen crying over the bust of Winston Churchill, which President Obama had ordered destroyed but a White House patriot had hidden in his attic for eight years. After the God-King’s inauguration, Churchill’s bust was placed on the Resolute Desk, where the God-King had spoken to it daily. Sources close to the soon-to-be-former president would come into the Oval Office in the wee hours of the morning, wearing only his pajamas and a padded silk robe, as Churchill often wore. The God-King would then reportedly ask Churchill’s ghost for inspiration as he composed his nightly Twitter rants.

There were other signs that the God-King’s mental health had deteriorated since the election. An aide who spoke to your roving reporter on a condition of anonymity said the God-King was increasingly obsessed with finding the President’s Book, a mythical journal of the nation’s darkest secrets, described in the film National Treasure 2. The God-King reportedly took all of the drawers out of the Resolute Desk, looking for the hidden panel portrayed in the movie, and asked his wife to go to South Dakota and search around Mount Rushmore, where the treasure of El Dorado was found in the film. The First Lady refused and is reportedly filing for divorce.

The final nail came yesterday when the God-King sneaked out of the White House and demanded the Vice God-King take a secret trip with him. The two rented a 1985 Volkswagen van, with the God-King wearing a wig and using his daughter’s ID. Witnesses say the God-King made the Vice God-King paint the van to look like the Mystery Machine from the Scooby Doo animated television series. The God-King then drove the van to Manhattan, throwing puppy treats over his shoulder to the Vice God-King, who had to ride in the back and say “Rooby-Roo!” before eating each treat.

Once in the Big Apple, the God-King drove to Wall Street and confronted the statue of Fearless Girl, saying she was “a seven at best, maybe just a five or a six.” The Vice God-King reportedly looked at the statue, realized his wife was not there to contain his urges, and began to perform an unnatural act with the Bronze Bull. Two NYPD patrolmen approached and the Vice God-King was arrested and charged with publid lewdness, while the God-King was taken to the Bellevue Hospital psychiatric unit.

“In a brief moment of lucidity,” Dr. Karl Freud told reporters, “the president said ‘I’m in way over my head and I’m going out a winner.’ He signed a letter of resignation and went back to eating his puppy treats.”

The Vice God-King reportedly called his wife from Riker’s Island, to apologize for his conduct with the Bronze Bull.

“He said ‘I’m so sorry’,” a tearful Mrs. Pence told reporters, adding “He said ‘All those times I said if we legalize gay marriage we may as well let people marry goats … I didn’t realize how strongly I was attracted to male cattle’. He resigned and we’re going to buy a ranch in Montana, where he can be himself.”

“All in favor, say ‘Aye’!”

House Speaker Paul Ryan would have been next in the constitutional line of succession, but he refused the job saying, “The American Wealthcare Act exposed me as a complete fraud. We Republicans are really good at obstructing and whining about what Democratic presidents do, but we suck at actually governing.”

Speaker Ryan then grabbed a crayon and quickly scribbled a proposed Thirty-Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution:

In the event that the President and Vice President both resign, and if the Speaker of the House is an overhyped fraud who even lied about his marathon run times to puff himself up, then the runner-up from the opposing party’s most recent presidential primary shall be named President of the United States.

He called the House into emergency session at 4:01 this morning and demanded an immediate floor vote, saying “All in favor, say ‘Aye’!” House Democrats roared in approval, as did at least some Republicans. “In the opinion of the Speaker, the Ayes have it. Motion passed.”

House Freedom Caucus chair Mark Meadows was seen later in a House lavatory, “kicking the stall door like a rich, spoiled Olymipic swimmer about to make up a story about being robbed in Rio,” according to a witness. Capitol Police restrained Meadows, who reportedly shouted “I’m the Chairman of the Freedom Caucus! I want my freedom!” as he was taken into custody.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell called a voice vote as soon as the House passed the Ryan Amendment, and Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly used the Emergency Broadcast System to invite state legislators around the country to a Skype conference at 4:30am. At least a dozen legislators from each of 41 states were able to login to the conference, and Chief Justice John Roberts declared that a quorum.

The amendment passed unanimously in each state, easily clearing the 38 needed for ratification, and Sen. Bernie Sanders was given the news at 4:48am. He called an immediate press conference and, at 5:03am, appeared outside his Burlington, Vermont home wearing only his bathrobe, where he told both reporters: “I will return to D.C. and be sworn in at noon today. Thank you.”

As soon as Sanders finished speaking, the sun rose simultaneously in all 50 states, perplexing both roosters and astronomers, who noted that sunrise was supposed to happen 90 minutes later in Burlington and was not due to rise for another seven-and-a-half hours in Honolulu.

The astronomers noted that, not the roosters.

The roosters just said: “April Fool!”


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Good day and good nuts