“I signed up for a fantasy walkathon,” Professor Plum said as he entered the mail room.

He read the mail…. (More)

“The way it works,” he explained, “is people pretend to sponsor me by pledging, like, five dollars per mile. Then I pretend to walk the 20 miles, and they pretend to send the money to the Greater South Blogistan Sasquatch Rescue Center.”

“Who pretend to exist?” Chef asked.

Plum nodded. “The GSBSRC use the money people pretend to send in to feed and care for the sasquatches they pretend to have rescued from those Killing Bigfoot idiots.”

“They are real,” the Professor of Astrology Janitor said. “I watched them for maybe five minutes one night.”

“They are real, and really horrid,” Professor Plum agreed. “That’s why I signed up for the fantasy walkathon. It’s a good cause. So, will y’all pretend to sponsor me?”

Everyone on the staff agreed to pretend to pledge a hundred dollars a mile, because why be stingy when we’re only pretending?

Professor Plum pretended to thank us and then left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was also pretending or, as it’s called in poker, bluffing. He had just won two pots, first when his Ace-Queen of Hearts made a Heart flush and again when his Ace-Jack of Spades made top two-pair. So he took a quick peek at the Jack of Clubs and Six of Diamonds and put in a pot-sized raise. The Squirrel folded and Chef called.

The flop brought the Ten of Hearts, Six of Spades, and Four of Diamonds. Chef checked and the Professor of Astrology Janitor put a half-pot-sized bet, as he had on the two previous hands. Chef took a moment to think and called.

The Four of Clubs on the turn gave the Professor of Astrology Janitor two pair, Sixes and Fours. Once again Chef checked, and once again the Professor of Astrology Janitor put in a half-pot-sized bet. And once again, Chef took a moment to think and called.

The Six of Hearts fell on the river. Chef checked yet again, and yet again the Professor of Astrology Janitor offered a half-pot-sized bet.

“If you’re still betting,” Chef said, “you either found some brass ones in the supply closet or you have something. I guess it’s a matter of whose something is more something. I’m all-in.”

“Sixes full,” the Professor of Astrology Janitor said as he turned over his cards.

“That’s a nice something,” Chef agreed. She turned over a pair of black Tens, for a bigger full house. “But you bluffed your way into a hand you couldn’t get away from.”

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling and Chef went to the kitchen to make Pretend Culatello di Zibello, Trifola d’Alba Madonna, Caciocavallo Podolico, and Giacomo Conterno Monfortino Omelets, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Someone asked why House Republicans voted all those times to repeal Obamacare but backed away this week. Well, sometimes you’re playing Fantasy Football and sometimes you’re in the real game. We knew President Obama, if we could get a repeal bill to his desk, would almost certainly veto it. This time we knew if it got to the president’s desk it would be signed.

Joe in TX

Dear Joe,

We commend you for finally being honest. That said, we doubt your voters will appreciate learning they’ve been taken for a seven-year con job. We will, however, make every effort to amplify your message during next year’s midterms. You’re welcome.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Umm, I used the Official BPI Googlizationalizator to look up those ingredients, and they’re the most expensive Italian ham, the most expensive Italian truffle, the most expensive Italian cheese, and the most expensive Italian wine. Does Chef pretend to make those omelets with Paulo Parisi eggs and Montebello Xrv olive oil, in Alessi cookware?

Pretending I Could Eat It in Blogistan

Dear Pretending,

Chef did pretend to use the most expensive Italian eggs and the most expensive Italian cookware. But she would never cook omelets in olive oil, not even the most expensive Italian olive oil. Instead, she pretended to use Beppino Occelli … the most expensive Italian butter.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Is Chef even Italian? And what ingredients did she really use?

Pretending not to Be a Squirrel in Blogistan

Dear Pretending,

Chef says she is unaware of any Italian ancestors. But she says she was a soprano in high school chorus, and soprano is an Italian word. As for the real ingredients, she used diced ham and Portobello mushrooms sautéed in ordinary butter and a tiny splash of red wine, Swiss cheese, and eggs hand-picked from the local grocery shelf. Bon appétit!


Photo Credit: Getty Images

Joe in TX.

Most expensive Italian ham; most expensive Italian truffle; most expensive Italian cheese; most expensive Italian wine; most expensive Italian eggs; most expensive Italian cookware; most expensive Italian olive oil; most expensive Italian butter.


Happy Sunday!