The second half of 2016 cooked up a rancid stew…. (More)
The month opened FBI Director James Comey holding a news conference to say that Hillary Clinton was a grossly negligent, reckless, and generally awful woman, but the FBI had no evidence that she committed any crime. House Republicans called a hearing to ask Comey for more details about the grossly negligent, reckless, and generally awful part, scolded him for not indicting her for … something, and told NASA to retask the Juno spacecraft, which had just entered orbit around Jupiter, to search for Clinton’s missing emails. Then came the Republican National Convention, with themes “Make America White Again!” and “Lock Her Up!”, and the members adopted The Most Radical Republican Platform Ever or, as the media described it, “we’ll ignore the GOP platform because we want a horse race.” The convention ended with The Guy Pundits Said Couldn’t Win giving his “I Am Your Lord And Savior” speech or, as the media described it, “seeming presidential.” A week later, the Democratic National Convention followed, with the themes “Stronger Together!” and “He’s F–ing Crazy!” Bernie Sanders agreed not to challenge Clinton at the convention in a trade for first- and second-round draft picks on the Democratic Platform, resulting in The Most Progressive Democratic Platform Ever or, as the media described it, “a laundry list with no compelling vision.” Bill Clinton gave his heartwarming “I’m So Lucky That She Said Yes” speech, followed by Hillary’s “Progress Is Hard But I’ll Try” speech or, as the media described it, “but where are those emails?”
The Games of the 31st Olympiad began in Rio de Janeiro with a stirring Opening Ceremony themed “No We Don’t All Have Zika.” Events seemed to suggest otherwise when four U.S. swimmers were pistol-whipped and robbed on their way home from a party, but subsequent investigation including surveillance videos showed they were not pistol-whipped or robbed, and made up the whole story to cover up having torn off a gas station bathroom door so they could play beer pong. The Closing Ceremony was re-choreographed to the theme “And You Call Us Criminals?” In response, the Brazilian Senate impeached President Dilma Rousseff over allegations arriving from Operation Car Wash, not to be confused with Operation Gas Station Bathroom Door, which resulted in the indictment of U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte, who was promptly selected as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Yes. Really.
The U.S. and China ratified the Paris Climate Accords or, as The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win hinted, plotted to boost the Chinese economy, and Kim Jung Number Un announced North Korea’s fifth and largest nuclear test, which the international community deplored as “maniacally reckless,” and which The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win described as “strong leadership.” The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win then trounced Clinton in the first presidential debate with detailed policy proposals such “Wrong!” and “Lies!” But in the closing minutes, Clinton turned the tables by spotlighting The Guy’s disgraceful treatment of a former Miss Universe or, as The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win described her in a week-long tweetstorm, a fat cow who should be grateful he didn’t fire her. Polls seemed to confirm Pundits Who Said The Guy Couldn’t Win, so The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win invited every woman who ever accused Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct to the next debate, a tactic that might have worked but for the revelation of The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win’s “Grab ’em by the pussy” tape, which he insisted was “Just Words,” until 14 women came forward to say on the record that he had, in fact, tried to grab them there. That seemed to clinch the election, but Russian President Vladimir Putin told WikiLeaks director Julian Assange to release a daily drip of “emails” that showed “Clinton” rigged the Democratic Primary by tempting voters with “underage girls,” a claim that seemed plausible because …
… James Comey wrote a letter to House Republicans saying the FBI may have found some “emails” from “Clinton” on a laptop that former Congressman Anthony Weiner used to send naked pictures to an “underage girl.” Weiner was married to Clinton advisor Huma Abedin, so Comey said FBI agents would appear daily on Fox News to repeat the words “Clinton,” “emails,” and “underage girls” until the FBI could review the “emails” of “Clinton” with “underage girls.” Polls showed Clinton’s lead shrinking as more Americans decided “we may just need a president who grabs ’em by the pussy, as long as he’s a guy” but Pundits Who Said The Guy Couldn’t Win held firm in their predictions. A week or so later their predictions seemed safer, as Comey held a news conference to announce that FBI agents had searched Weiner’s laptop and hadn’t found any new “emails” from “Clinton” about “underage girls.”
Americans turned out in tens of millions, and The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win won the first ever unanimous Electoral College victory, with over 121% of the popular vote, or would have, but for “millions of illegal votes” cast by people of color living in cities that aren’t Real America anyway. Within days, The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win said he would not order the FBI to indict “Clinton” for “emails” about “underage girls” or, as the media described it, “seemed presidential.” The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win then began announcing his cabinet nominees, including Bull Connor for Attorney General, Gordon Gecko for Secretary of Treasury, and Vladimir Putin for Secretary of State. He also named his sons as Crown Princes, his daughter as Royal Consort, and his wife as Stay In New York You Old Hag. He also announced that he didn’t have to worry about conflicts of interest because the law doesn’t apply to presidents, but even so he would step away from his business empire and let his Crown Princes and Royal Consort run it from offices at the White House, and Newt Gingrich said that was fine because worries about corruption should be left in “the pre-Trump world.”
Americans tried to forget about 2016 by focusing on the holidays – no, that’s too politically correct – The Birth Of Our Lord And Savior And Say “Merry Christmas” Goddamit. TIME magazine named The Guy Who Pundits Said Couldn’t Win their “Person of the Year” and he scolded them for political correctness, saying they should have named him “Our Lord And Savior.” He also named some more cabinet members, including Rick “I’ll Eliminate the Department of Energy” Perry to head the Department of Energy, Betsy “Shut Down Public Schools” DeVos as Secretary of Education, Andrew “We Don’t Need a Minimum Wage” Puzder as Secretary of Labor, and Tom “Health Care Should Provided By Rich Doctors To Rich Patients” Price as Secretary of Health and Human Services. This distracted some Americans from the
holidays The Birth Of Our Lord And Savior And Say “Merry Christmas” You Heathen F–ckers, but many of us just gave up and hoped 2017 won’t be as awful as we fear.
So that was our Year In The Stew. And it’s done … so we can pour it down history’s garbage disposal.
Image Credit: Crissie Brown (BPICampus.com)
Good day and good nuts