2016 proved that too many chefs spoil the broth…. (More)
The 3,419th episode of GOP Survivor featured The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win and a dozen or so also-rans, half of whom had to yell at each other while East-Coasters were stuck in traffic and West-Coasters were still at the office. Also, the International Atomic Energy Agency announced that Iran had complied with the six-party nuclear agreement, allowing the United Nations to lift sanctions, which Republicans declared a failure because Barack Obama was involved, and the World Health Organization announced the outbreak of the Zika virus, which Republicans blamed on the Clinton Foundation.
Voters finally got their chance to push also-rans off the GOP Survivor island, as Ted Cruz won in Iowa before The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win carried New Hampshire, Nevada, and South Carolina out to sea. Also Democratic voters in New Hampshire overwhelmingly chose Bernie Sanders over Hillary Clinton, after the two tied in Iowa, so the Democratic National Committee announced that only superdelegates really mattered. And North Korea launched a long-range rocket into space, violating several U.N. treaties. Kim Jong Number Un apologized for the mistake, saying the missile was aimed at the Clinton Foundation but went off-course because he forgot to donate.
Hillary Clinton swept through Super Tuesday to secure a roughly fifty-gazillion pledged delegate lead over Bernie Sanders, so the DNC said superdelegates didn’t matter, although the Sanders campaign argued that Clinton’s delegates shouldn’t count because too many Super Tuesday voters were people of color who couldn’t understand Sanders’ wonderfulness and/or voting in states that Democrats wouldn’t win in November and/or hypnotized by the media and/or…. Meanwhile, The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win kept winning on GOP Survivor, and the European Space Agency and Roscomos launched the ExoMars Trace Gas Orbiter to sniff the fumes from Kim Jong Number Un’s runaway rocket.
The month opened with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists and the German newspaper Süddeutsche Zeitung breaking the truly shocking story that a whole lot of rich people hide their money to escape taxes. Bernie Sanders ran off a series of primary victories that proved he was The Only Democrat Who Could Win, because Hillary Clinton used a private email server to arrange her Wall Street speeches, although Sanders never closed the pledged delegate gap and besides the DNC once again said that only superdelegates mattered. On GOP Survivor, The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win promised to release his tax returns as soon as the IRS was defunded, and kept on winning.
The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win clinched GOP Survivor by yelling “You’re fired!” at Ted Cruz, after calling his wife ugly and saying his father killed JFK. In response, Cruz endorsed The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win, because principles. Democratic voters gave Hillary Clinton a series of big wins, extending her pledged delegate lead, so the DNC said superdelegates wouldn’t matter after all, while Bernie Sanders pledged to continue his campaign right up to the Democratic National Convention because the FBI could indict Clinton at any moment.
Hillary Clinton secured a majority of pledged delegates with wins in New York and California, so Bernie Sanders asked the DNC to change their minds and say only superdelegates should matter, but only if the superdelegates wanted him, because Hillary Clinton emailed Wall Street Speeches to the Clinton Foundation and the FBI would indict her any day now. Meanwhile, The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win said the November election would be rigged and thus won every other primary including the all-important Moscow Caucuses, prompting Britons to Brexate after tabloids reported that everyone who voted to Brexate would get free memberships at The Jerk Pundits Said Could Never Win’s new golf course in Scotland.
Thus the world took a deep breath and said “Ick, that stew smells awful” … and we weren’t even fully cooked yet.
Image Credit: Crissie Brown (BPICampus.com)
Good day and good nuts