Squirrels are naturally paranoid, because most of the time They really are out to get us…. (More)

YouGov has a new poll about conspiracy theories and, shock of shocks, Americans are more likely to believe in conspiracies that reinforce their worldviews.

For example, 87% of Clinton voters believe that Russia hacked John Podesta’s and the DNC’s emails to help the Lapdog-elect, while only 20% of his voters believe that. Meanwhile, 62% of the Bigot-elect’s voters believe millions of illegal votes were cast this year, as compared to only 25% of Clinton voters.

And that’s a ridiculous comparison. The CIA, FBI, and other intelligence agencies agree there is solid evidence of Russia’s meddling, while there is no evidence of massive illegal voting. The former is a proven conspiracy, while the latter is a fact-free conspiracy theory. Presenting both as “conspiracy theories” advances the “post-truth” worldview where facts and evidence are irrelevant and all that matters is how many people believe something.

But I’m taking a week away from the news, so I’ll leave that alone and share some squirrel conspiracy theories. And yes, we do have some …

… because squirrels are naturally paranoid. If you don’t believe me, go watch a squirrel eat. Well, if you can. Odds are we’ll scamper away if we see you watching us, unless you’re tossing out nuts or seeds for us. If so, thank you.

If not, please don’t be offended if we avoid you. We avoid most other animals – birds, snakes, dogs, cats, and so on – because a lot of them want us on their menu. That includes some humans. So we have good reason to be paranoid. Most of the time, They really are out to get us.

There are exceptions, of course:

But these squirrels were raised in families with the other animals and learned to trust their friends. They likely don’t trust other dogs or cats, and wisely not.

So back to you watching us eat, if one of us gives you that chance. You’ll see we don’t really relax. Instead we’re constantly looking up and around, alert for anything that might put the words “squirrel” and “eat” together another way, if you get my drift.

Of course we may relax and enjoy a meal if we’re at a squirrel meeting, like the one in the photo at the top of this article. Such meetings also give us a chance to pass along our conspiracy theories. Here are some of our favorites:

Of course we don’t just share conspiracy theories at our meetings. But I won’t tell you the rest, coz it wouldn’t matter. You’ll make up your own ideas about what we do anyway….


Photo Credit: RavenWhimsy (Tumblr)


Good day and good nuts