Squirrels are naturally paranoid, because most of the time They really are out to get us…. (More)
YouGov has a new poll about conspiracy theories and, shock of shocks, Americans are more likely to believe in conspiracies that reinforce their worldviews.
For example, 87% of Clinton voters believe that Russia hacked John Podesta’s and the DNC’s emails to help the Lapdog-elect, while only 20% of his voters believe that. Meanwhile, 62% of the Bigot-elect’s voters believe millions of illegal votes were cast this year, as compared to only 25% of Clinton voters.
And that’s a ridiculous comparison. The CIA, FBI, and other intelligence agencies agree there is solid evidence of Russia’s meddling, while there is no evidence of massive illegal voting. The former is a proven conspiracy, while the latter is a fact-free conspiracy theory. Presenting both as “conspiracy theories” advances the “post-truth” worldview where facts and evidence are irrelevant and all that matters is how many people believe something.
But I’m taking a week away from the news, so I’ll leave that alone and share some squirrel conspiracy theories. And yes, we do have some …
… because squirrels are naturally paranoid. If you don’t believe me, go watch a squirrel eat. Well, if you can. Odds are we’ll scamper away if we see you watching us, unless you’re tossing out nuts or seeds for us. If so, thank you.
If not, please don’t be offended if we avoid you. We avoid most other animals – birds, snakes, dogs, cats, and so on – because a lot of them want us on their menu. That includes some humans. So we have good reason to be paranoid. Most of the time, They really are out to get us.
There are exceptions, of course:
But these squirrels were raised in families with the other animals and learned to trust their friends. They likely don’t trust other dogs or cats, and wisely not.
So back to you watching us eat, if one of us gives you that chance. You’ll see we don’t really relax. Instead we’re constantly looking up and around, alert for anything that might put the words “squirrel” and “eat” together another way, if you get my drift.
Of course we may relax and enjoy a meal if we’re at a squirrel meeting, like the one in the photo at the top of this article. Such meetings also give us a chance to pass along our conspiracy theories. Here are some of our favorites:
- Humans Never Give Squirrels the Credit – This isn’t entirely a conspiracy theory. A lot of it is proven conspiracy, like the Russian meddling in the 2016 election. For example, we really did invent agriculture by burying fertile nuts and seeds. But do we get the credit? Of course not. You humans prefer vague non-answers like “There was no single factor, or combination of factors, that led people to take up farming in different parts of the world” to the truth that you watched squirrels plant seeds, saw the seeds sprout, and thought “Y’know, we could do that and grow our own food!”
We also invented game theory, but biologists dismiss that very clever idea as a genetic adaptation … for squirrels. But when a human finally figures it out, that’s “one of the outstanding intellectual advances of the twentieth century.”
So maybe we exaggerate when we claim credit for inventing golf and curling and baseball. But agriculture and game theory are pretty nifty ideas, so if we invented those then who’s to say we didn’t invent the others? It’s not as if we’d find evidence in any human sources, after all….
- But You Always Give Us the Blame – Again, this isn’t a conspiracy theory. It’s a proven conspiracy. You falsely claim we cause over half the power outages in the U.S. – at most birds and other animals, including but not limited to squirrels, cause 20% of outages – and map all the problems you blame on us. You even say we’re a bigger threat than cyber-terrorists. I’m probably on the no-fly list … which would bother me if I didn’t hate flying anyway.
- Cats Took Over the Internet to Stifle Squirrels – Okay, this one probably is just a conspiracy theory. Pootie the Precious says so and she follows cat stuff on her iPawed like I follow squirrel stuff on my Blewberry. She says cats didn’t even try to take over the internet, that it was a human idea. I’m sure she’s right, but we squirrels still grumble about it at those meetings.
Of course we don’t just share conspiracy theories at our meetings. But I won’t tell you the rest, coz it wouldn’t matter. You’ll make up your own ideas about what we do anyway….
Photo Credit: RavenWhimsy (Tumblr)
Good day and good nuts