“The sun rose in the east this morning,” Professor Plum said as he entered the mail room.

He read the mail…. (More)

Professor Plum then left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor peeked down at a completely unremarkable hand – the Ten of Clubs and Three of Diamonds – and made a completely unremarkable decision: he folded.

He began his plaintive mewling as Chef scooped in the small pot, and Chef went to the kitchen to make Completely Unremarkable Eggs, Bacon, and Toast, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie

The people have spoken and the election is over, and as Hillary Clinton herself said on election night, in addition to her conceding by congratulating me, “We must accept this result and then look to the future.”

It is important to point out that with the help of millions of voters across the country, we won 306 electoral votes on Election Day – the most of any Republican since 1988 – and we carried nine of 13 battleground states, 30 of 50 states, and more than 2,600 counties nationwide – the most since President Ronald Reagan in 1984.

This recount is just a way for Jill Stein, who received less than one percent of the vote overall and wasn’t even on the ballot in many states, to fill her coffers with money, most of which she will never even spend on this ridiculous recount. All three states were won by large numbers of voters, especially Pennsylvania, which was won by more than 70,000 votes.

This is a scam by the Green Party for an election that has already been conceded, and the results of this election should be respected instead of being challenged and abused, which is exactly what Jill Stein is doing.

Donald in NY

Dear Donald,

We’re flabbergasted, flummoxed, shocked, slack-jawed, stunned that – having spent your entire campaign whining about how the election would be rigged, to the point of declaring that you would only respect the outcome “If I win” – you now fly into a rage because someone else has challenged the results. Actually we’re neither flabbergasted, flummoxed, shocked, slack-jawed, nor stunned. We expected nothing else from you, as you are the undisputed King of Special Rules for Me, Me, Me.

As to your claim that Stein’s recount campaign is “a scam … to fill her coffers,” we note that Stein is relying on private donors to fund the recount requests – unlike, say, the $1 million a day you’re currently bilking from the New York City taxpayers to protect your home, plus a projected $1.5 million per year from federal taxpayers so the Secret Service can rent two floors of Trump Tower.

We further note that Stein has pledged to devote any money leftover from the recounts to campaigns to election integrity efforts and to voting system reforms, although we recognize that facts have no bearing on your conspiracy theories.

In short, your rant is as unremarkable as the sun rising in the east. Were it not Sunday morning – the day we lampoon wingnut absurdity – we would give your tantrum the attention it so richly deserves … by ignoring it completely.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Did you ever finish the Superfund Diner doors and window blinds? Also, what is Chef’s recipe for Completely Unremarkable Eggs, Bacon, and Toast?

Unremarkably Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Unremarkably Hungry,

Yes, we did finish the doors and blinds, as well as the main interior lights:

Superfund Diner

As for Completely Unremarkable Eggs, Bacon, and Toast, Chef first fries four strips of bacon in a skillet, then lowers the heat and cooks the eggs to the individual’s preference. She puts two slices of bread – white, wheat, or rye, again your choice – in … a toaster. She serves the toast with butter and (need we say it again?) your choice of jam, jelly, or preserves. Bon appétit!

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Photo Credit: David Becker (Getty Images)

Donald in NY; whining about how the election would be rigged; “If I win”; the $1 million a day you’re currently bilking from the New York City taxpayers to protect your home, plus a projected $1.5 million per year from federal taxpayers so the Secret Service can rent two floors of Trump Tower; Stein has pledged to devote any money leftover from the recounts to campaigns to election integrity efforts and to voting system reforms.

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Happy Sunday!