Yet again we offer a wistful sigh as we reveal the bottoms of our Bippies, because these columns have not been written…. (More)

Welcome back to the 8th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Thursday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Yesterday we honored TV series and movies that were not made. Today we conclude with political columns that were not written.

Once again this year, Zen Master Wi Dono, who remained blissfully unaware of our non-existence, did not send us this lovely card:


I’m sure you’re as touched as we weren’t. We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak theatre, where Papa Bear and Mama Bear just gave their newborn cubs a matched set of stuffed Goldilockses. Aren’t they just adorable….

We’re almost ready for our final set of nominees, but first let’s return to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for the thrilling conclusion of their behind-the-scenes featurette – Skid Marks: Stopping Behind the Bippies….

Scarlet@BPI: Really, your cummerbund looks great.

Squirrel@BPI: It may look great, but I can’t breathe. And that means I can’t sing.

Scarlet@BPI: Fine, okay. But you need to start exercising. Tone up that waistline. Maybe you could do the Stairmaster with me.

Squirrel@BPI: I scamper up and down Árbol Squirrel several times a day. I’m not sure a Stairmaster would help. And don’t even mention the D-word. Last time I tried one of those, Mrs. Squirrel said I was grumpy all day.

Scarlet@BPI: How could she tell?

Squirrel@BPI: Touché. I guess I kinda walked into that one.

Scarlet@BPI: Just slightly. Okay, are you ready for our big musical number?

Squirrel@BPI: We should warm up first. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmmmmmm

Scarlet@BPI: Good idea. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmmmmmmmm

Squirrel@BPI: Okay, cue the orchestra.

Orchestra: [Tympani rolls, strings swell, brass blares]

Together: [Step-turn-shimmy-shake-step-step-turn] EIGHTTTTTTTTTT!

Orchestra: [Cymbal crash]

Scarlet@BPI: We’re really getting good at these musical numbers!

Squirrel@BPI: You think the cymbal was too much?

Scarlet@BPI: I thought it was a nice flourish. Like a grace note.

Squirrel@BPI: Minus the grace. Anyway, that’s all the time we have. Thank you for another look behind the Bippies, Ms. Scarlet!

Scarlet@BPI: You’re so welcome!

Together: See you next year! MmmWAH!

Whew, I’ll need a moment to catch my breath after that exciting musical number.

Umm, I shouldn’t have breathed in so deep. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2016 BPI Awards in Political Columns That Were Not Written:

A Confession by Ron Fournier

Lead: I’m writing this on behalf of the entire Beltway press corp. We’ve decided to fess up. No, Hillary Clinton’s emails don’t prove the Clinton Foundation is a pay-for-play scheme. But there is a scandal there. The scandal is that we the press want access to everything Hillary Clinton says, does, or writes. We also want to monitor her family’s laundry and credit cards and medical records. Until we know everything about her, Bill, Chelsea, the grandkids, their close friends, and so on, we’ll keep writing as if everything we don’t know must be suspicious … because we don’t know how to write about the Clintons without implying there’s a scandal. It’s a habit, like when you get out of bed and head for the bathroom even if you don’t need to, because, well, that’s what you do when you get up. So you can ignore us. Hillary Clinton isn’t corrupt. We’re just creatures of habit.

WhiTeeVee by Stephen Bannon

Lead: Right now I’m Donald Trump’s campaign chief, but that job’s gonna end in November. And judging by the polls, it’s gonna end badly. So I thought I’d let you know what we’ve been noodling around for after the election. We’re gonna start our own news network, WhiTeeVee, for people who think Fox News is too … colorful. All of our hosts will be white. All of our guests will be white. Our sets will be white. We’re even ordering white lapel mikes and earbuds. Because as we see it, America can’t be too white.

Who Knew? by Paul Ryan

Lead: I just saw a Gallup poll that found more Americans are thriving more than ever during President Obama’s administration. I wish they’d put out that poll a week before our convention. We made it sound like America’s a rotting carcass on the plain of history. But the Gallup survey showed life has been getting better for almost everyone. Who knew? Maybe if we’d worked with the president instead of being blind obstructionist ideologues for the past eight years, we wouldn’t be stuck with the most ridiculously bad presidential nominee in American history.

Not a Snowball’s Chance in Hell by Jim Inhofe

Lead: Remember that speech I gave on the Senate floor, where I held up a snowball and claimed that proved climate change was a myth? Well, it finally read some scientific papers – real ones, not the crap I’d been reading that was funded by oil companies – and it turns out there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I was right. Oops.

Sniffle. We always get teary at this point in the ceremony, both because the BPI Awards are almost over and because those columns weren’t written. Honk-snorfle-honk. Dab dab. Sorry. Okay….

And the winner is … A Confession by Ron Fournier, because the entire Beltway press corps owes the country that apology.

Well, that’s it for the 2016 BPI Awards. Thanks again to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for their behind-the-scenes featurette, and thank you for joining us. We’ll see you here next year!


Image Credit: Crissie Brown (


Good day and good nuts