Some TV shows and movies shouldn’t have credits. Instead, they should have blames. (More)

Welcome back to the 8th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Yesterday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Today we honor TV series and movies that were not made. Tomorrow we conclude with political columns that were not written.

We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak Theater where, with a new litter of cubs, Mama Bear and Papa Bear are up to their ears in Bear Huggies. And hundreds of entertainment reporters from around the world are just as blissfully ignorant today as they were yesterday, so they’re still not here.

Before we return to the awards, let’s check in with the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet in this year’s behind-the-scenes featurette – Skid Marks: Stopping Behind the Bippies:

Squirrel@BPI: Golden globes? I guess they are, kinda. And they even put you on a pedestal.

Scarlet@BPI: Probably so they can knock me down.

Squirrel@BPI: Maybe … oh, we’re on. Hello again and welcome back to our behind-the-scenes featurette with Ms. Scarlet. So, this is your eighth year modeling for the BPI Awards. Would you say you’ve grown?

Scarlet@BPI: I had, but I got busy on the Stairmaster. I wanted to wear a bikini when Professor Plum took me to the beach.

Squirrel@BPI: Which beach did he take you to?

Scarlet@BPI: The Firth of Forth.

Squirrel@BPI: In Scotland, at St. Andrews? Wasn’t it kinda cold for a bikini?

Scarlet@BPI: I’ll say. I could only wear it in the room, before he went golfing.

Squirrel@BPI: That must’ve made his putter–

Okay then. We’ll check in with them again later. For now, we’ll move on to the awards. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2016 BPI Awards for TV Series that were not made:


Superheroes can be women. They can also be elegant and classy. Alas, this series was created by two semi-adolescent kids in their mom’s basement. You can tell by the Cheeto stains on the set. But she looks nice in spandex, so it’s all good.

Bigfoot Wardens

Come to the north woods, where Minnesota’s elite paranormal law enforcement professionals keep poachers from making yet more shows where guys dressed as rednecks stumble around the woods at night asking each other: “Did you hear that?”

Review Bored

This quirky cop show features two internal affairs officers in a city where everyone on the force is professional, disciplined, and courteous. So the stars play a lot of canasta.

All three nominees are certainly worthy of non-existence. But before we reveal any winners, let’s see the nominees for movies that were not made:

Lieutenant America: Shellout Falter

Trailer: In a world where supervillains threaten life throughout the galaxy, the Revengers are divided over who should pick up the check after dinner at Aluminum Man’s new Manhattan bistro.

Director’s Comment: I wanted to show the superheroes facing the real human issue of whether a fifteen-percent tip is enough for a table with six beefy guys and two svelte gals in spandex. Plus I couldn’t get The Bulk and fight scenes are boring without him.

Stony X: Get Off My Lawn

Trailer: In a world flooded with remakes, can Stony Balboa defend his heavyweight shuffleboard title at the Pleasant Glen Senior Care Facility?

Director’s Comment: I have a great screenplay for a movie with a guy and a girl and a St. Bernard and a diamond heist in Monaco, but the studio wouldn’t greenlight it unless I made this crap first.

Fifty Shades of Suck

Trailer: In a world of whips, chains, and vampires, can a horribly-written but somehow still bestselling book become a movie you can sit through without throwing Raisinettes at the screen?

Director’s Comment: I wanted to tell a classic story of love, loss, wooden stakes, and wooden acting. One out of four isn’t too bad.

We are truly lucky to have such non-existent nominees. And the winners are …

Bigfoot Wardens and Fifty Shades of Suck, because maybe those elite paranormal law enforcement professionals can stop the next schlocky movie based on a schlocky book that implausibly became A Thing.


Image Credit: Crissie Brown (


Join us tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of Skid Marks: Stopping Behind the Bippies, and our awards for the columns that were not written.