Yet again we review the best in non-existence with the 2016 BPI Awards, and ads that must have been subtracted…. (More)

Welcome to the 8th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies! Each year the resident faculty empty their minds – it doesn’t take long – and celebrate the very best in non-existence.

As always, entertainment reporters remained blissfully unaware of our awards, and Zen Master Wi Dono honored us by meditating on the navel he doesn’t have.

Yet again, we are not at the opulent Kodiak Theatre, because the bears just had pups. We sent our congratulations and bowls of porridge to Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and their little darlings. Meanwhile, once again, we reveal our Bippies online.

An update on last year’s behind-the-scenes featurette – Back to the Crack: Inside the Bippies, starring the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet. It went viral! No, it didn’t get a bunch of YouTube views, Facebook likes, or Twitter mentions. But both the cast and crew had the sniffles for a few days.

The Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet return with a new featurette titled Skid Marks: Stopping Behind the Bippies. Let’s take a look:

Scarlet@BPI: So the Bippies are late this year because the political conventions were early?

Squirrel@BPI: Yeah, I know, it makes no sense at … oh we’re on. I’m here with Ms. Scarlet, the model for the curvaceous and covet–

Scarlet@BPI: –I was starting to think they forgot about us, honestly.

Squirrel@BPI: I was too. But this year they got a photo of you posing with–

Scarlet@BPI: –I mean, it’s not as if they’ve been too busy, what with you writing Mixed Nuts every day now.

Squirrel@BPI: Um … I try not to think about that. It makes me grumpy.

Scarlet@BPI: Sorry. You were saying about the photo?

Squirrel@BPI: Yes. You must have strong hands, to hold that huge gold statue with just your fingers.

Scarlet@BPI: It’s just gold paint on plastic. This is a low-budget awards show.

Squirrel@BPI: Very low, yes.

Scarlet@BPI: They spent less than I was wearing when I sat in that mold.

Squirrel@BPI: It looks like you were wearing … umm….

We’ll get back to them later.

Our first category honors the best in non-existent advertising. Yet again, it was difficult to distinguish real non-existence from the non-existent reality of most ads. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab and the results then sealed in the bottom of Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2015 BPI Awards in Non-Existent Advertising:

BreaxitPAC – “Barbarians at the Gates”

They’re coming in hordes and taking away everything that makes Britain great. Remember when you could walk all around your village and watch every channel on the telly and never see a face darker than clotted cream? We can have that back. It’s time to break the EU. Vote “Yes” on Breaxit.

HillaryWatch – “Elusive Evil”

She says those deleted emails were personal, but she refuses to turn over the Clinton Foundation check that paid ISIS to attack our embassy in Benghazi. And don’t tell us that didn’t happen. We’ve spent 25 years and untold millions trying to prove she’s evil, and sooner or later we’ll find evidence.

TrumPAC – “Whaddaya Got to Lose?”

Yeah, I might start a nuclear war in Syria or Iraq or Iran, let Russia take over Europe, order our military to commit war crimes, default on our bond holders, and abolish the First Amendment. But would that be any worse than letting Those People take over your country? Put the White back in the Red and Blue. Vote for me … or I’ll sue you!

HillaryPAC – “I Only Have 30 Seconds”

I’d list all the lies, racist and sexist remarks, whacko conspiracy theories, and just plain stupid things my opponent has said in the last couple of weeks … but I only have 30 seconds and I have to leave time for that “I approved this message” bit. So, “I approved this message.”

JohnsonPAC – “Is that Camera On?”

You’ve probably never heard of me. In fact, you’re probably not seeing this ad. I don’t know if we’re even making it. Is that camera on? Where are you going … oh, well sure, I guess. Which button? Um, okay, here goes–

Well, that’s certainly a cross-section of non-existence. And the winner is …

… HillaryPAC’s “I Only Have 30 Seconds,” and we’d explain why but we’re out of time for today….


Image Credit: Crissie Brown (


Join us tomorrow for the best in movies and TV shows that were never made!