“It’s a simple Sunday,” Professor Plum said as he entered the mail room. He read the mail…. (More)

Of course it’s not a simple Sunday. It’s Monday, but the staff were locked out of the campus mail room yesterday. On the other hand, it’s a holiday so we’re all following our usual Sunday routine … which for Professor Plum meant leaving with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, to spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The usual Sunday routine also meant the staff poker game, where the Squirrel sat in and had a hefty stack of chips, most taken from the Professor of Astrology Janitor, who hadn’t seen a good hand since a joke we can’t share in a family forum.

So the Professor of Astrology Janitor used a standard opening move when he peeked at a pair of black Kings, first calling the Squirrel’s big blind and then re-raising after Chef offered a pot-sized raise. The Squirrel recognized that opening and knew the Professor of Astrology Janitor had a big hand. The Squirrel folded and Chef then called.

The flop brought the Ace and King of Hearts and the Seven of Diamonds. Chef checked. The Professor of Astrology Janitor pondered his options. If he bet even a little, he would all but declare that he had a pair of Aces or Kings for three of a kind, or a suited Ace-King for top two pair. But if he checked to conceal that, he’d give Chef a free card with a two Hearts on board. Even if Chef didn’t have two Hearts in hand, a the Professor of Astrology Janitor could hardly bet three Kings strongly if there were three Hearts on the table.

He had to protect his three Kings, so the Professor of Astrology Janitor put in a half-pot-sized bet. Chef flicked her cards into the muck without a moment’s hesitation. “You either have Aces or Kings for trips,” she said, “top two pair, or a big Heart draw. Either way, my black Queens are dead.”

The Professor of Astrology Janitor scooped up the smallish pot and began his plaintive mewling. Chef went to the kitchen to finish her Independence Day Potato Salad, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie

I can’t believe people are upset because Donald Trump tweeted an image of Crooked Hillary with the words “Most Corrupt Politician Ever” in a six-pointed star atop a pile of hundred dollar bills. This is political correctness run amok. This is a simple star. It’s the same star that sheriff’s departments across the country use, all over the place, to represent law enforcement.

Corey in NH

Dear Corey in NH,

We understand that your contracts with Trump and CNN forbid you to criticize Trump. But we wonder how you can utter such nonsense with a straight face. The image Trump tweeted first appeared on the 8chan message board /pol/, a cesspool of neo-Nazis, anti-Semites, and white supremacists. Its watermark has the Twitter handle of a user who regularly tweets sexist, racist, Islamophobic, and anti-Semitic images. And while Trump later deleted his tweet and has said he rejects white supremacists, apparently he still feels a need to broadcast their vile sewerage. We conclude that your former boss is playing a wink-and-nod game with white supremacists, and that you are trying to provide him cover. If so, we suggest that cover should be a white sheet.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

How does Chef make Independence Day Potato Salad? Is it red, white, and blue? Does it include firecrackers?

Holding Fourth for Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Holding Fourth for Breakfast,

Chef’s Independence Day Potato Salad is not red, white, and blue, and it includes no firecrackers. It is, however, a traditional BPI Campus dish for this holiday.

To make it, first wash and boil 5 pounds of baking potatoes. As the potatoes cook, separately hard-boil 6 eggs and immediately put them into a bowl of ice water. When the potatoes are fork-soft, pour the boiling water out of the pot and replace it with ice water to chill the potatoes and keep them firm. While the potatoes cool, peel the eggs and pulse them in a blender until they’re minced. Add 1 cup of mayonnaise, 2 Tablespoons of yellow mustard, and 1 teaspoon of freshly-ground black pepper, and gently pulse-blend until the egg sauce is smooth. Peel the potatoes and cut into ½-inch cubes. Place them in a large bowl, and add 1 head of diced celery, 1 large diced onion, and 1 cup of bacon bits. Add the egg sauce and stir gently until the salad is well-mixed.

Chef has found the flavors meld better when she prepares the salad the day before, then covers it with plastic and puts in the refrigerator to chill overnight. Bon appétit!

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Photo Credit: CNN

Sources:

Corey in NH; your contract with Trump and CNN forbids you to criticize Trump; first appeared on the 8chan message board /pol/, a cesspool of neo-Nazis, anti-Semites, and white supremacists.

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Happy Sunday!