Marco Rubio isn’t always robotic. For example, he answered questions from the BPI mail room … kinda-sorta…. (More)

I’m BPI’s roving reporter so on Tuesday the resident faculty sent me to interview Bernie Sanders. They liked that so much that yesterday they sent me to interview Hillary Clinton, and today I interviewed Marco Rubio. Kinda-sorta. Thing is, I hate traveling, plus I’m sure the Rubio campaign won’t do interviews with squirrels.

Instead, I emailed Rubio some letters from the BPI mail room and asked him to reply. Well, kinda-sorta. I figured his campaign won’t reply to email from squirrels either. Plus I’m sure he’s busy. So … I wrote his replies.

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Dear Marco,

I’m on the seventh fairway at my local public course, and I have a problem. I pushed my drive off to the right and I’m in ankle-deep rough, about 160 yards from the green. There’s a big tree about 30 yards in front of me. Its branches are pretty high up and maybe I could hit under them, but there’s a sand trap in front of the green. Oh, and there’s a stream down the left side of the fairway all the way past the green, which is why I aimed so far to the right. Should I get brave, aim for the left edge of the green, try to fade a 5-wood around the tree and the sand trap, and maybe make par? Or should I play safe, chip back into the fairway, and settle for a bogie?

Off to the Right in Blogistan

Dear Off to the Right,

Thank you for the question. As you know, for the past eight years our country has suffered under the worst president in our history. His liberal Democrat tax programs have run up a massive debt and left our economy in shambles and the world is more dangerous than ever. Countries like Cuba – where my parents fled a dictator – and terrorist groups like ISIS now see us as weak. But as president, I’ll change that. My economic plan will bring growth and opportunity, and I’ll rebuild our military and restore our global leadership. And that’s why I’m running for president.

Dear Marco,

Yes, I’ve heard your speech on the news. But I’m still trying to decide what to do with this shot. And the people behind me are waiting to tee off. So … get brave with a 5-wood, or play save with a pitching wedge?

Still Off to the Right in Blogistan

Thank you for the question. As you know, for the past eight years our country has suffered under the worst president in our history. His liberal Democrat tax programs have run up a massive–

Dear Marco,

Whatever. I chipped out with the pitching wedge. Now I’m about 145 yards from the green. The green slopes from right to left, so I’d really rather hit to the left of the hole and have an uphill putt. But that stream is on the left and I’ve already lost one shot because I went in the rough. Oh, and there’s a sand trap to the front right of the green. Should I hit a 6-iron, aim for the back right of the green, and settle for a long, downhill putt? Or should I hit a 7-iron, aim for the front left of the green, and maybe leave myself a makeable par putt?

Now in the Fairway in Blogistan

Dear Now in the Fairway,

Thank you for the question. As you know, for the past eight years our country has suffered under the worst pres–

Dear Marco,

Is that your answer to every question? Are you stuck on auto-repeat or something?

Reaching for 6-Iron in Blogistan

Dear Reaching for 6-Iron,

I’m not a robot, you small-hands-pee-pee-pants!

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Okay then. I guess he has two modes: Robot and Kindergarten.

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Dear Squirrel,

Yeah, it seems that way. I aimed for the back right of the green with my 6-Iron, but I kinda mis-hit, in a good way, just a tiny bit chunky, so I made one of those long divots like pros do sometimes. Anyway, the ball landed long and right, almost where I aimed, but I guess coz I hit it chunky it hit and spun back and now it’s trickling down the hill. But I think it’s gonna stop before it gets to the hole. Could one of your cousins come out of the trees and give it a nudge for me? If they do it before the ball stops rolling, the ‘rub of the green’ rule applies and I would make birdie.

Pretty Please with Macadamias on Top in Blogistan

Dear Pretty Please with Macadamias on Top,

As you know, squirrels invented golf so we’re very picky about the rules. If one of my cousins happened to do that on his or her own, that would be fine. But if I asked, that would be intentional assistance: a one-stroke penalty and loss of yardage. So really … just take that tap-in and be happy with a very well-played par save.

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I can’t believe I turned down macadamias. Well, tomorrow I have to interview Ted Cruz. I’m so glad it will be … kinda-sorta….

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Photo Credit: John Raoux (AP)

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Good day and good nuts