Hillary Clinton answers letters from the BPI mail room … kinda-sorta…. (More)

I’m BPI’s roving reporter so the resident faculty sent me off to interview Bernie Sanders. They liked that so much they also asked me to do an exclusive, one-on-one, face-to-face interview with Hillary Clinton. Well, kinda-sorta. Thing is, I hate traveling, plus I’m sure the Clinton campaign won’t do interviews with squirrels.

Instead, I emailed Clinton some letters from the BPI mail room and asked her to reply. Well, kinda-sorta. I figured her campaign won’t reply to email from squirrels either. Plus I’m sure she’s busy. So … I wrote her replies.

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Dear Hillary,

In several of your recent appearances you’ve worn a beautiful, shimmery red top with a wide collar. My friend thinks that top is velvet. I think it’s satin. So we made a small bet: the winner will give $10 to your campaign and the loser will double that. So who wins? Is it velvet or satin?

Shimmering Supporter in Blogistan

Dear Shimmering Supporter,

First, thank you so much for your support. My opponent loves to brag about how many people have given to his campaign, and he has implied that my campaign is fueled by big money donors from Wall Street. But in fact I’m relying on hundreds of thousands of people like you, and most of my supporters have given less than $100.

And that’s because I started this campaign so I could fight for ordinary, hardworking Americans like you. You know I grew up near Chicago, a wonderful American city that now proudly claims President Obama as their favorite son. And well they should. Over the past eight years, despite record partisan obstruction, President Obama saved us from a second Great Depression and rescued the auto industry, one of the backbones of our economy. I sat down with his team after his inauguration and took part in the discussions that led to those heroic efforts to overcome Republicans in the House and Senate who would rather see our nation fail than see our president succeed. And once they had pulled the econ–

–Um, is that top velvet or satin?

–omy back from the brink, President Obama and our colleagues in the House and Senate went to work on health care reform. Once again they had to overcome Republicans who would stop at nothing to block progress. And they did. Obamacare is helping tens of millions of hardworking Americans get access to the health care they need, and I’ll make sure we build on that foundation–

–That’s all very nice and I love President Obama too but, again, my question was: is that top velvet or satin?

Yes, I’m sorry. As I said, I grew up near Chicago and my father had a small textile business. We disagreed on a lot of things politically, but he was a wonderful dad and he taught me to appreciate the U.S. textile industry. Sadly, much of that industry is now gone, and as president I’ll work to help restore local manufacturing jobs. Indeed the progressive movement was born in the flowering of the Industrial Age, and textile workers were among its earliest supporters. The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire galvanized labor unions not only in New York City, a wonderful American city that I had the honor to represent in the U.S. Senate, but across this great land–

–Yes, but about that top?

–where textile unions were among the early leaders in protecting working women. And as president, I’ll make sure women finally get paid the same wages for doing the same work as men–

–Velvet. Or. Satin?

Right. Velvet was introduced to Baghdad during the rule of Harun al-Rashid by Kashmiri merchants, and in those days Cairo was the world’s largest producer. Now it’s made all over the world, in many of the countries I visited as Secretary of State. And as president I will build on the international friendships–

–So that top is velvet? I thought that would be way too hot. That’s why I thought it was satin.

Well, satin originated in China, and its name comes from the word Zayton, the Arabic name of the Chinese port city of Quanzhou. I’ve visited China many times, and indeed that’s where I first said a phrase that is still so important for me: “Women’s rights are human rights.”

And as president I’ll work to improve the lives of women, not only here in the U.S. but around the world. You know, one of the first and most successful projects that Bill and I began with the Clinton Global Initiative was micro-loans that helped women in developing nations to start small businesses. That’s the kind of program we need to expand and build on, because when women succeed then the entire nation succeeds.

I’m so proud of the many women who helped me make those 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling eight years ago, and this year … together … we’ll shatter that ceiling and make sure that every girl in America grows up knowing that she too can aspire to the highest levels of public service.

That will be historic, I agree. So … velvet or satin?

Oh, yes. It’s satin.

And thank you, again, for supporting my campaign. With the help of people like you, we’ll make America whole again. So please visit HillaryClinton.com and join in my campaign. God bless you, and god bless the United States of America!

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flurf-nurf-nurf Whuh…?

Ahh, she finished. Sorry. I kinda dozed off.

Tomorrow I’ll start interviewing the WHannabes … kinda-sorta….

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Photo Credit: David Becker (Reuters)

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Good day and good nuts