Bernie Sanders answers letters from the BPI mail room … kinda-sorta…. (More)

I’m BPI’s roving reporter so the resident faculty sent me off to interview Bernie Sanders. Well, kinda-sorta. They wanted to, but you know how much I hate traveling. Plus I don’t think the Sanders campaign accepts interview requests from squirrels.

Instead, I emailed Sanders some letters from the BPI mail room and asked him to reply. Well, kinda-sorta. I figured his campaign won’t reply to email from squirrels either. Plus I’m sure he’s busy. So … I wrote his replies.

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Dear Bernie,

I’m a freshman in college and I’m supposed to declare a major at the end of this semester. My dad wants me to major in math or science or business, so I can get a good enough job to pay off my student loans. My mom wants me to major in poetry or psychology, so I can write better greeting cards for her or at least figure out why dad always just shrugs and says “That’s nice, dear” when she sends him one. I want to major in theatre because I want to be an actress. What should I do?

Majorly Confused in Blogistan

Dear Majorly Confused,

It’s great that you’re attending college and thinking about your future. If I were president, I would make college free for everyone. Then you could follow your dream and try to become an actress, and not have to worry about paying off loans to greedy Wall Street bankers.

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Dear Bernie,

I’m helping my grandmother make a quilt, and I just stuck my thumb with a needle. Should I pull the needle out before I go to the doctor, or wait and let the doctor pull it out?

Stuck on Quilting in Blogistan

Dear Stuck on Quilting,

It’s so nice that you’re sharing a craft with your grandmother. If I were president, everyone would get free health care. Then you wouldn’t have to use a credit card for your deductible and end up paying off greedy Wall Street bankers.

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Dear Bernie,

My cat is stuck in a tree. I saw a Treetop Cat Rescues show on TV, but I don’t know if they’ll come from North Pacific Blogistan to all the way down to South Blogistan. Should I call them and ask?

Up a Tree in Blogistan

Dear Up a Tree,

I’m so sorry your cat is stuck. If I were president I would make greedy Wall Street bankers pay more in taxes so fire departments could hire people to rescue cats.

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Dear Bernie,

I can’t find my toenail clipper. Have you seen it?

Snagging My Socks in Blogistan

Dear Snagging My Socks,

Your toenail clipper was probably stolen by greedy Wall Street bankers.

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Dear Ber–

Greedy Wall Street bankers! Why can’t you people see that for yourselves?

–nie,

Actually, I was going to ask about baseball. Spring training has started, and I wondered if you’re a Red Sox fan because you live in New England, or a Yankees or Mets fan because you were born and raised in New York City. Where the greedy Wall Street bankers are.

Springtime Fan in Blogistan

Dear Springtime Fan,

I was a huge fan of the Brooklyn Dodgers, until they left for Los Angeles when I was 16. That taught that greedy Wall Street bankers control everything. Later I brought a minor league baseball team to Burlington, the Vermont Reds. They won the Eastern League Championship in 1984, 85, and 86, but in 1988 they became the Vermont Mariners. And in the middle of their playoff race that year, their owner said he was moving the team to Canton. Now they’re the Akron RubberDucks. All because of gree–

Are you serious? There’s actually a minor league baseball team named the Akron RubberDucks?

–dy Wall Street bankers.

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He stopped answering after that.

Tomorrow we’ll have my exclusive, one-on-one, face-to-face interview with Hillary Clinton … kinda-sorta….

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Photo Credit: Jacquelyn Martin (AP)

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Good day and good nuts