2015 brought at least some good news. For example, the year did end…. (More)
The United Nations General Assembly designated 2015 as the International Year of Light and the International Year of Soils. Put the two together and I guess you get the International Year of Blowing Dust, which is a pretty good summary of 2015’s performance on the Stage of History. Cough.
I’m not saying 2015 was a bad year. But only because I don’t have to. You were here too, so you know what I mean. Still, they say we can learn from reviewing mistakes. So let’s look back at 2015….
The year opened with approximately 1,415 possible GOP WHannabes trying to decide whether God and/or Donors wanted them to run. On the Democratic side, Jim Webb had already declared and Bernie Sanders was Dropping Hints. Every human being on earth and probably several extraterrestrials knew Hillary Clinton would run, but she was still officially Thinking About It. Elizabeth Warren had repeatedly announced she was Not Running, but roughly 137% of Left Blogistanis were certain she was Waiting To Be Drafted. Also, Barack Obama Was Still President, but Angry White Men were sure the New And Improved GOP Congress would stop that.
But after yet another failed shutdown threat, the New And Improved GOP Congress decided to accept that Barack Obama Was Still President, so Angry White Men became Outraged White Men. Or, as they and Right Wingnuts insisted, Real Conservatives™. Also, Alaska legalized marijuana and the District of Columbia legalized limited possession and use, much to the delight of moose, elk, and congressional aides.
The New York Times reported that Hillary Clinton planned the 2012 Benghazi attack by private email, and later conceded they could only confirm that she used a private email server while Secretary of State. In response, NASA’s probe Dawn landed on the dwarf planet Ceres and Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, authorizing all Good Christians to discriminate against Those People. Meanwhile, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu begged the New And Improved GOP Congress to scuttle the proposed multilateral nuclear agreement with Iran. But the New And Improved GOP Congress couldn’t do that, because Barack Obama Was Still President. So Outraged White Men became Seething White Men …
… and found their savior when Donald Trump joined the WHannabes by announcing that the Mexican immigrant who cuts your lawn is probably raping your daughter and that’s why
White Men Americans Never Win Anymore. Also, lots of companies said they didn’t like discrimination, not even against Those People, and they would leave unless Indiana changed the law. So the state legislature passed the We Didn’t Really Mean What We Told You When We Wrote That Law amendment, and Bruce Jenner Became Caitlyn, plus Barack Obama Was Still President, turning Seething White Men into Apoplectic White Men. They calmed somewhat upon hearing that Baltimore police arrested Freddie Gray for absolutely no reason and bounced him around the inside of a van on the way to the station, fracturing Gray’s neck and causing his death. But Those People took to the streets in protest, turning Apoplectic White Men into Terrified White Men.
In Texas, 9 people were killed and 18 injured during a shootout between rival white biker gangs, prompting Waco police to ask them to please sit quietly on the curb and mute their cell phones. And Ireland voted to legalize marriage equality, boosting the sales of both Guinness and Bailey’s Irish Cream.
In South Carolina, 9 people were killed when a young white supremacist opened fire in Charleston’s historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church, prompting cheers from Terrified White Men, until their neighbors looked askance. They then insisted this was The Tragic Act Of A Lone Nut and said Those People Might Still Be Alive If They Brought Guns To Church. But the South Carolina Legislature took that opportunity to remove the Confederate Flag from state property, so Terrified White Men became White Men Who Revere Heritage Not Hate. Meanwhile, the U.S. Supreme Court said No Congress Didn’t Intentionally Boobytrap The Affordable Care Act and oh, also, Yes Those People Can Get Married Too, turning White Men Who Revere Heritage Not Hate into White Men Who Want Judicial Restraint Or To Lock Up Liberal Judges Like The Founding Fathers Wanted Too.
In Tennessee, 5 people were killed when a We Know He’s A Terrorist Coz He’s Muslim opened fire at a military recruiting office, and a week later 11 people were killed when a Must Be A Lone Nut Coz He’s A White Guy opened fire in a Louisiana theater. In response, NASA’s New Horizons probe flew past Pluto, which asked why it’s no longer a planet. Having announced her candidacy, Hillary Clinton replied to Pluto via Sidney Blumenthal in Benghazi, causing the New York Times to report that she had been arrested for terrorism, and later admit they could only confirm that the FBI was reviewing the security of her email server. So the New And Improved GOP Congress said they would call her to testify and Get To The Truth.
Barack Obama Was Still President, driving White Men Who Want Judicial Restraint Or To Lock Up Liberal Judges Like The Founding Fathers Wanted Too to become White Men For Donald Trump Because Then We’ll Win Again. In response, Trump announced that Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly Had Unclean Lady Parts during a WHannabe debate, and White Men For Donald Trump Because Then We’ll Win Again didn’t need Viagra for a week.
Pope Francis visited the U.S. and Told Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis To Stand Strong Against Those People, until the Vatican said No Really He Didn’t But He Did Meet His Gay Best Friend’s Husband. Meanwhile, the New York Times reported that Hillary Clinton Tore The Head Off A Kitten and then later admitted they could only confirm that she sometimes chuckles at LOLCats. In response, NASA announced they found liquid water on Mars, prompting Donald Trump to promise A Beautiful Huge Space Cannon To Keep Those Aliens Away. Thus, White Men For Donald Trump Because Then We’ll Win Again didn’t need Viagra for the rest of the month.
In Oregon, 9 people were killed when a He’s Just A Lone Nut And Those Students Should’ve Brought Guns To School opened fire at a community college. Also, after 11 hours of Intensive Interrogation, the New And Improved GOP Congress forced Hillary Clinton to admit that She Had Sidney Blumenthal’s Email Address, causing her poll numbers to rebound. In response, the New And Improved GOP Congress forced Speaker John Boehner to resign and wanted Benghazi Interrogator Trey Gowdy to take her place, until he admitted that really his committee just wanted to sabotage Clinton’s electoral prospects. So the New And Improved GOP Congress choose Paul Ryan and made him promise to ignore that Barack Obama Was Still President.
In Colorado, 3 people including a police officer were killed when a He’s Just A Lone Nut Even If He’s Repeating Our Buzzwords opened fire at a Planned Parenthood clinic. But that didn’t matter anymore because We Know They’re Terrorists Coz They’re Muslims From Syria Just Like Barack Obama Wants To Bring Here killed 130 people in Paris. In response, White Men For Donald Trump Because Then We’ll Win Again had to buy looser pants after Trump said he wanted to close mosques and build a Beautiful Huge Muslim Database To Keep Them Off The Internet.
Right on cue, two We Know They’re Terrorists Coz They’re Muslims Who Came Here Legally killed 14 people at a holiday party in San Bernardino, California. And the New York Times reported that Hillary Clinton And Barack Obama Told The FBI To Let Those Terrorists Come Here. The Times later admitted they could only confirm that a search of the couple’s social media accounts, after the shooting, turned up radical emails and private messages. In response, Ted Cruz promised to Bomb Carpets In ISIS Headquarters, and White Men For Donald Trump Because Then We’ll Win Again told Frank Luntz they want revenge because Barack Obama Is Still President.
So yeah, good riddance, 2015. Don’t let the calendar hit you on the way out.
Photo Credit: ChicagoNow.com
Happy New Year!