“Did the BPI Fizzix Department finally get that time machine working?” Professor Plum asked as he walked into the mail room.

He read the mail…. (More)

Professor Plum left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor wished for a time machine. Chef opened the pot with a raise, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor called with the Ace and Eight of Diamonds. The flop brought the Ace of Hearts with the Nine and Six of Diamonds. Chef bet what was almost surely at least a pair of Aces, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor called with his pair of Aces and Diamond flush draw. The Five of Diamonds on the turn gave the Professor of Astrology Janitor the Ace-high flush. But Chef checked and, not wanting to reveal the strength of his hand, the Professor of Astrology Janitor checked behind. The Queen of Diamonds fell on the river. Chef checked again and the Professor of Astrology Janitor could wait no longer. He put in the minimum bet.

“You must have at least one Diamond,” Chef said, flashing two black Aces as she folded. “Nice draw.”

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling as Chef went to the kitchen to finish her Make Ahead Baked Eggs With Asparagus, Ham, and Gruyère, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Is it true you already have the transcript for the Fox Business GOP WHannabes’ Debate? How can that be, when the debate doesn’t happen until Tuesday? Also, did Fox Business back down and let Lindsey Graham and George Pataki participate in the early debate and move Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee back up to the prime time debate?

Debatably Interested in Blogistan

Dear Debatably Interested,

We’re sure you recall that the WHannabes whined about “gotcha” questions at the CNBC debate. So Fox Business agreed to script the entire event. But they did not restore the expected debate lineup, as you will see:

MARIA BARTIROMO: Good evening, and welcome to the Fox Business Republican Primary Debate. I’m Maria Bartiromo, your moderator. We had announced that Neil Cavuto would moderate with me, but we’ve changed our format because Rachel Maddow got so much praise for the MSNBC Democratic Forum last week. She was the solo moderator and she interviewed only one candidate at a time, so we decided to take that to the next level. We have only one candidate here tonight and he’ll read the answers to questions I submitted to the other candidates. So please welcome Nobel, Pulitzer, and Medal of Honor winner Dr. Ben Carson!

BEN CARSON: Thank you, Maria. Before we continue, I should correct the record. I did not actually win a Nobel, or a Pulitzer, or a Medal of Honor. But people said I could if I applied, so I was offered them.

MB: Thank you for that clarification. Let’s talk about the American Dream. You say you rose from secretary to CEO at Hewlitt-Packard, but wasn’t your father a law school dean and later a prominent federal judge?

BC: He was also YOOOGE in real estate, and the President of the United States. After he fled communist Cuba.

MB: About that. Isn’t it true that he tried to join Castro and only the country because he couldn’t reach Castro’s army?

BC: The point is, I sheltered him from rioting blacks after Martin Luther King was murdered and protected him from armed robbers in a fried chicken restaurant. And you know that’s all true because my college professor said I was the most honest student in my class.

MB: So anyone in America can rise to the top if they work hard?

BC: And if they believe. The founders who signed our Declaration of Independence had no elective office experience, but they put the pyramids Joseph used to store grain right there on the dollar bill.

MB: Speaking of dollar bills, you’ve proposed a flat 10% tax, saying “I got that idea quite frankly from the Bible.” But Jewish scholars say you’re misreading the Torah.

BC: If those Jewish scholars had guns, they could’ve stopped the Holocaust.

MB: Well, that’s all the questions I have. Would you like to make a closing statement?

BC: Yes. There is a desperation on behalf of some to try to find a way to tarnish me. Next week it’ll be my kindergarten teacher who said I peed in my pants. I do not remember this level of scrutiny for one President Barack Obama. My job is to call you out when you’re unfair.

MB: I hope I haven’t been unfair.

BC: Maria, this is the kind of debate the American people need. But please get your people looking into whether Obama peed his pants when he was a child in Kenya. Why else would he go to such lengths to hide his past?

MB: We’ll get right on that. Thank you for your time, Dr. Carson. And thanks to the other candidates for writing their answers. And of course thank you to both of our viewers. Good night, mom and dad!

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Umm, you made that up, didn’t you? Also, how do I make Chef’s Baked Eggs With Asparagus, Ham, and Gruyère?

Vetting Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Vetting Breakfast,

We assure you that this transcript is as accurate as most of the Whiny WHannabes’ answers in the CNBC debate. For Chef’s Make Ahead Baked Eggs With Asparagus, Ham, and Gruyère, first sauté 1 bunch of asparagus cut into 1″ pieces and 1 chopped shallot in a tablespoon of olive oil for 4-6 minutes, until tender. Then let it cool and whisk together 6 large eggs, 1½ cups of half-and-half, ¾ teaspoon of salt, and ½ teaspoon of black pepper. Fold 4 cups of torn baguette into the egg mix, along with 1 cup of grated Gruyère, 4 ounces of roughly-chopped ham, and the asparagus mixture. Transfer the egg mixture to an 8-inch square baking dish, cover with foil, and refrigerate overnight. Then bake at 350° for 35-40 minutes, until the eggs are. Remove the foil cover and bake for another 10-15 minutes, until golden. Bon appétit!

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Photo Credit: D Dipasupil (Getty Images)

Fox Business debate; “People said I could if I applied”; “father a law school dean and later a prominent conservative federal judge”; “YOOOGE in real estate”; “President of the United States”; “fled communist Cuba”; “tried to join Castro and only the country because he couldn’t reach Castro’s army”; “sheltered him from rioting blacks”; “armed robbers in a fried chicken restaurant”; “my college professor said I was the most honest student in my class”; “no elective office experience”; “pyramids Joseph used to store grain”; “I got that idea quite frankly from the Bible”; “Jewish scholars say you’re misreading the Torah”; “they could’ve stopped the Holocaust”; “There is a desperation on behalf of some to try to find a way to tarnish me….”; “Why else would he go to such lengths to hide his past?”

“As accurate as most of the Whiny WHannabes’ answers in the CNBC debate.”

Make Ahead Baked Eggs With Asparagus, Ham, and Gruyère.

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Happy Sunday!