Despite Rep. Steve King’s promise, you can’t marry a lawn mower in Iowa. Also, Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump, and two anti-JADE HELM plots … backfired. (More)

“How old is your lawnmower?”

You’ve been spending weekends together for years, but just as friends. And you really missed it when it was in the shop for two weeks. And then it left that heart in your grass – plus Rep. Steve King mentioned the idea – and you knew it was true love:

Me: Hi Julie, so I came by the Recorder’s office today because I want to get a marriage license. For myself and my lawnmower.

Haggerty: Ok, the answer to that would be no. First of all – well, I should back up a bit and say how old is your lawnmower?

Me: Maybe six or seven years.

Haggerty: You have to be 18 years old to get a marriage license. And the other person, the other party needs to be able to sign a contract, has to have a government ID, and has to be able to have a witness who says they can enter into a contract. So I think on those counts alone you can’t marry your lawnmower.

Me: Now is it because I’m already married to a woman? Would I have to divorce her first? With the stuff Steve King is saying, it seems like everything is fair game now.

Haggerty: See, I should probably have asked that question first, are you married? Because if you’re still married, obviously you can’t enter into a contract.

Me: Ok, so no marriage with my lawnmower?

Haggerty: No marriage because you’re married, and no marriage with a lawnmower because it’s an inanimate object. You cannot marry a lawnmower.

Me: What about a snow blower?

Haggerty: [shakes head no]

Sigh. Now we’ll never know whether this would be polygamy:

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“Mr. Trump reached out to President Clinton a few times”

Yesterday the Washington Post reported that former President Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to get more politically active:

Former president Bill Clinton had a private telephone conversation in late spring with Donald Trump at the same time that the billionaire investor and reality-television star was nearing a decision to run for the White House, according to associates of both men.

Four Trump allies and one Clinton associate familiar with the exchange said that Clinton encouraged Trump’s efforts to play a larger role in the Republican Party and offered his own views of the political landscape.
[…]
Clinton aides declined to speak on the record about the call, saying the conversation was personal.

“Mr. Trump reached out to President Clinton a few times. President Clinton returned his call in late May,” a Clinton employee said. “While we don’t make it a practice to discuss the president’s private conversations, we can tell you that the presidential race was not discussed.”

Predictably, this is spawning conspiracy theories that Trump is running to embarrass the GOP and deliver the election to Hillary, while Trump’s team says this proves he’s “Maybe the best [negotiator] in the history of this world.

Yeah, right. Cough.

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“Just the backfiring of his battered Isuzu”

It turns out the gunshots Tuesday and Wednesday outside Camp Shelby, a special forces training base that is hosting parts of Operation JADE HELM 15, may not have been gunshots after all:

On edge after a gunman attacked military members in Chattanooga, Tennessee, authorities began looking for a maroon pickup truck that the soldiers described from the Tuesday incident. They found it late Wednesday morning when Alfred Baria Sr. drove past officers on a state highway just south of New Augusta.

The Mississippi Bureau of Investigation took him into custody at gunpoint, with officials calling a bomb squad into sparsely populated Perry County east of Hattiesburg to investigate plastic pipes and other items they found in the truck.

But the 61-year-old Baria told authorities that it wasn’t gunshots at all, just the backfiring of his battered Isuzu. That’s a story backed up by his son in an interview Wednesday evening with The Associated Press. Alfred Baria Jr. said his dad’s pickup backfires loudly every time someone shifts gears and steps on the gas.

Baria and his son say the plastic pipes found in the pickup were plumbing for their backyard auto shop, and the collection of plastic pipes with sealed ends in their garage are used to store auto parts. Not bomb stuff. Nosiree.

But Baria is still in trouble, because as a convicted felon he’s not allowed to possess a firearm. His son says the rifle and pistol were his and he didn’t know dad couldn’t be around them. Uh huh.

Meanwhile, three North Carolina men had their own anti-JADE HELM plot, including plans to lure military personnel and/or federal agents into a booby-trapped home. The ring leader bragged about the plot to a friend, who tipped off the authorities. But these are just lone nuts, right?

Cough.

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Photo Credit: greetings.from, Flickr

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Good day and good nuts