As always, we reveal the bottoms of our Bippies with a wistful sigh … because these political columns were not written. (More)
Welcome back to the 7th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Thursday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Yesterday we honored TV series and movies that were not made. Today we conclude with political columns that were not written.
This morning your lowly mail room clerk did not peek at the mail and thus did not see this email from Zen Master Wi Dono, who did not even think about writing to us:
We’re truly touched. And while we’re still not at the opulent Kodiak Theatre, we heard that several of the bears were called back for second auditions. Please give the bears a round of applause, and we all hope to see them on National Geographic and Animal Planet specials very soon!
Before we see the nominees in our final category, let’s return to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for the thrilling conclusion of their behind-the-scenes featurette, Back to the Crack: Inside the Bippies:
Scarlet@BPI: Step-step-step-turn-flick-flick-turn-sing, like this?
Squirrel@BPI: Your tail flicks kinda do look like twerking. Oh, we’re back. So Ms. Scarlet, are we ready for our big musical number?
Scarlet@BPI: I think so. Your cummerbund keeps slipping, though. Let me tighten it just a bit for you. There.
Scarlet@BPI: Oh, sorry. Here you go. Better?
Squirrel@BPI: I can breathe, at least.
Scarlet@BPI: Okay then. Hop up on my shoulder. Ready?
Squirrel@BPI: Let me warm up first. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm.
Scarlet@BPI: Good idea. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm. Okay, cue the orchestra!
Orchestra: [Timpani rolls, strings build, brass fanfare]
Together: [Step-step-step-turn-flick-twerk-turn-] SEVENNNNNNNNNNN!
Scarlet@BPI: I think was our best musical number yet!
Squirrel@BPI: I think so too. Alas, that’s all the time we have. Thank you for another peek behind the Bippies, Ms. Scarlet.
Scarlet@BPI: You’re very welcome.
Together: [Waving] See you next year! MmmWAH!
Aww, they really have chemistry together. Speaking of chemistry, that’s not an ammonia leak. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.
So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2015 BPI Awards in Political Columns That Were Not Written:
It’s Okay to Ignore Me by Erick Erickson
Lead: I know I issue authoritative doctrinal pronouncements at my website, but I’m really not a protestant pope. So Republicans, you really don’t have to shut down the government in a futile attempt to defund Planned Parenthood. It’s okay to ignore me.
A Warm Glow by Kevin Williamson
Lead: You’ve probably noticed that anytime a cop kills a black person, I write a column saying we need to wait for all the facts to come out. Then a few days later, I find some internet rumor or maybe even a real arrest record and write a column about how the black person wasn’t completely innocent. Then people get mad at me for blaming the victim. So it’s time to fess up. Anytime a cop kills a black person, I feel a warm glow inside. Are you happy now?
Of Course I’m Wrong Again by Bill Kristol
Lead: A lot of people have noted that the accuracy of my predictions is less than perfect. In fact almost every prediction I make is wrong. That doesn’t bother me because I’m a blind ideologue and I don’t care about reality. But it may bother you so, when I write another breathless screed about why the multinational agreement to stop Iran’s nuclear program will be a disaster and we should go ahead and attack Iran now, feel free to skip it. Of course I’m wrong again.
I Get It Now by David Brooks
Lead: A couple of weeks ago, I chided Ta-Nehisi Coates for criticizing the American Dream in his new book, and wondered if I was allowed to respond to his description of racism. Several people noted that I’m a white man with a New York Times column, a regular gig on NPR, and a weekly seat on Sunday morning TV, so my pleading to be heard was the epitome of white privilege. Wow. I get it now.
I’m Not a Historian by Mike Huckabee
Lead: I know a lot of people got upset when I said President Obama’s deal with Iran would lead the people of Israel into the ovens. But here’s the thing. I’m a presidential candidate who used to be a right wing pundit. Before that I was a governor, and before that I was a preacher. I think I had a history class in high school, but I’m not a historian and the only stuff I know about the Holocaust is what I learned when we read Anne Frank’s diary in high school English class. That book made me really sad, and President Obama succeeding at anything also makes me really sad, so that’s why I brought it up.
Taking a Break by Paul Krugman and Joseph Stiglitz
Lead: We know you enjoy our writing at the New York Times, but we’ll be taking a break. It seems someone in Europe finally woke up and read our columns and research and they asked us to come over and help them get away from their counterproductive austerity fetish. Our luggage is all checked through and we’re writing this from the airport. It may be a few months, but we hope to be back and writing again soon.
Dab Dab. Sorry. We always get weepy at this part, both because this is the last category and because we really wish these columns had been written. Sigh. Deep breath. Okay. We can get through this.
And the winner is … Taking a Break by Paul Krugman and Joseph Stiglitz, because we’re sure they would help so many people.
And that’s it for the 2015 BPI Awards. Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet for their backstage featurette, Back to the Crack: Inside the Bippies. Join us again next year to celebrate the best of non-existence!
Photo Credit: Poupetta (Flickr)