It’s hard to imagine a world without TV or movies. But it’s not hard to imagine a world without these. (More)
Welcome back to the 7th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Yesterday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Today we honor TV series and movies that were not made. Tomorrow we conclude with political columns that were not written.
We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak Theater, where the bears are trading acting tips while they audition for National Geographic and Animal Planet specials. And hundreds of entertainment reporters from around the world had no idea they missed yesterday’s opening, so they aren’t here today either.
Before we return to the awards, let’s check in with the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet in this year’s behind-the-scenes featurette: Back to the Crack: Inside the Bippies.
Squirrel@BPI: So you sat in a bowl of ice water?
Scarlet@BPI: While we had our chocolate almond sprinkle cones.
Squirrel@BPI: Ooh, that sounds tasty.
Scarlet@BPI: I’ll get you one next time. Anyway, then I put aloe on it and then I sat for another mold and this time she glued the coins to the mold.
Squirrel@BPI: Are they real gold coins?
Scarlet@BPI: You’ll have to win a Bippie to find out.
Squirrel@BPI: Like that will ever happen. So, did you learn all the dance steps for this year’s musical number?
Scarlet@BPI: I’m not sure about the tail flicking part.
Squirrel@BPI: That’s the easy part. It goes like this.
Scarlet@BPI: But when I do it, it looks like twerking.
Okay then. We’ll get back to them later in the ceremony. For now, we’ll move on to the awards. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.
So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2015 BPI Awards for TV Series that were not made:
In this mind-bending science fiction series, police officer Kelly Camshaft is thrown from the future with presents from her past. To get back to tomorrow, she must stop yesterday, today. Or something. But she wears a black, skin-tight bodysuit so it’s all good.
His name is Austin King. For five years, he was stranded on an island with pretty much anyone the writers needed to develop his backstory. Now he’s back home. He can’t save his city. He can’t even save his family. But he can whittle. And brood.
Spidoctosharkane 3: Oh Screw It!
Once again a hurricane dumps mutant spider octopus sharks on a city. Once again the hero heroes heroically while his heroine heroines. Once again anyone with an agent and a few hours to spare drifts through for a cameo. And once again Twitter lights up with comments like “Way cool! #ItsRainingSpidoctosharks” Will anyone survive? Will anyone care?
These nominees are certainly worthy of non-existence. But before we reveal any winners, let’s see the nominees for movies that were not made:
Trailer: In a world where superhero movies outnumber spidoctosharks, the remnants of H.E.L.M. recruit Mindy Meadows to be … the Ladybug. All of the cool superpowers are taken, but Mindy looks adorable as she crawls across the rug.
Director’s Comment: Okay, comic book fans. You wanted a female superhero movie. So here it is. Now I’m gonna go make StudMan.
Trailer: In a world where bankers rule, mayor Angela Murkie faces a stark choice. With poor citizens over their heads in debt, should she break both of their kneecaps or only the left ones?
Director’s Comment: I wanted the audience to appreciate the importance of sovereign debt, but that’s arcane and complex. So we rewrote the mayor as a loan shark.
Trailer: In a world where dreams seem so real, this edgy documentary offers an inside look at six hours in a sleep center. Will the patients wake up? Will the audience wake up?
Director’s Comment: We spend a third of our lives asleep, and we need that to stay healthy. I wanted to help.
We’re certainly grateful for these films’ non-existence. And the winners are …
… Pocket Knife and Ladybug, because it’s all about superheros nowadays.
Let’s have a round of applause for our winners! And come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion of Back in the Crack: Inside the Bippies, and our awards for the columns that were not written.
Photo Credit: Poupetta (Flickr)