Once again we survey the best of non-existence to bring you the BPI Awards, with ads that would have put the mad in Mad Men…. (More)

Welcome to the 7th Annual BPI Awards, those curvaceous and coveted Bippies! Each summer the resident faculty return to their omm away from omm to find and celebrate non-existential nirvana.

As always, entertainment reporters from around the world did not flock to cover the BPI Awards. And for the fourth consecutive year, Zen Master Wi Dono granted us the distinct honor of not even thinking about attending.

Yet again, we are not at the opulent Kodiak Theatre, this year because the bears are auditioning for National Geographic and Animal Planet specials. We wish them the very best of luck! We’re sure they’ll all be stars. Meanwhile, once again, we reveal our Bippies online.

As you no doubt remember, last year’s behind-the-scenes featurette – Cheeky: Behind the Back of Beyond the Bippies, starring the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet – included a musical number. Imagine our astonishment when their song shot up the Billboard Top 100 so quickly that it never appeared on the list. Not even NASA could track its rise and it was last heard mooning Saturn: “Io, Io, it’s off to work we go!”

The Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet return with a new featurette titled Back to the Crack: Inside the Bippies. Let’s take a look:

Scarlet@BPI: No, they weren’t bitcoins.

Squirrel@BPI: I meant did they bite when the sculptor stuck them to … oh, we’re on. I’m here again with Ms. Scarlet, the model for our curvaceous and coveted–

Scarlet@BPI: –the sculptor didn’t stick any coins to me. She stuck them on the plaster, after it came out of the mold.

Squirrel@BPI: The second time.

Scarlet@BPI: No, the fourth time. The first time, she sprayed on the gold paint and it looked like glittering cottage cheese. The next time, she smoothed out the bumps with more plaster and it looked like I’d gained twenty pounds.

Squirrel@BPI: Not good.

Scarlet@BPI: Not at all. Anyway, I took the plug out of her piggy bank–

Squirrel@BPI: Piggy bank?

Scarlet@BPI: –because the ice cream truck was outside.

Squirrel@BPI: Oh, sure.

Scarlet@BPI: And the coins tumbled out and that gave her the idea. But it turns out that hot glue is really hot. The blister’s gone but you can still see where–

Squirrel@BPI: –umm….

We’ll get back to them later.

Our first category honors the best in non-existent advertising. Yet again, it was difficult to distinguish real non-existence from the non-existent reality of most ads. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab and the results then sealed in the bottom of Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2015 BPI Awards in Non-Existent Advertising:

Merkel Collections – “What’s a Greek Urn?”

Fed up with people who won’t repay their debts? Let Merkel Collections take over. We know you can too get blood from a stone, if you squeeze hard enough. And we will. What’s a Greek urn? Not much, once we’re finished.

TrumPAC – “C’mere, Gringa”

“C’mere, gringa.”
“No! Stop!” screams

Don’t let this happen to your white wife or your white daughter. Vote for the man who’ll put the white back in White House and show America can compete with China, by building our own Great Wall. And the art of the deal is, he’ll make the Mexicans pay for it. Paid for by TrumPAC.

HuckaPAC – “Achtung, Juden”

“Achtung, Juden!”
Sounds of gasping

Don’t let this happen to Israel. Vote for the man who’ll end Obama’s unholy alliance with Iran and stop the march to the ovens. A man who’ll return America to our Christian roots, so we’ll be ready for Armageddon. Paid for by HuckaPAC.

RandPAC – “Vrooom”

This is our tax code. This is a chain saw. And this – vroooom – is the sound of liberty. Vote for a man who’ll cut away tax breaks and make Those People pay their own way, so you won’t have to. Paid for by RandPAC.

LindseyPAC – “Can you hear me now?”

Tired of annoying calls and texts from people you don’t know? Vote for a man who put his cell phone in a blender. And he’ll do the same with yours. Because … actually… he doesn’t have a good reason. But it sounded clever at the time, and that’s what America needs. Paid for by LindseyPAC.

JebPAC – “Unwanted”

Back in the day, you could see the brass ring. Everyone wanted you to grab it. Now nobody wants you. Vote for a man who knows how you feel, because nobody wants him either. Not even you. Paid for by JebPAC.


Wow. We’re certainly grateful for their non-existence. And the winner is …

… LindseyPAC’s “Can you hear me now?”, because … hold on, we have a call….


Photo Credit: Poupetta (Flickr)


Happy Thursday!