From a Baltimore manager’s empathy to a former Texas lawmaker’s sanity to a New Jersey official’s honesty, my news bowl was filled with positive nuts. (More)

Alas, you can’t eat these nuts so it’s Non-Succulent Saturday. I know, it’s supposed to be Non-Cynical Saturday because That’s How We Always Do It. But the We who Always Do It wanted an extra day in the wine cellar library to drink think on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”). And since that We aren’t here, I can Do It my way.

Uggh. Earworm. Be right back.

Ahh, better. That was, of course, André Rieu performing “Comme d’habitude,” which rhymes with nuttitude, which is my thesis topic. You’re welcome.

Now where was I?

Oh yes, pleasant mixed nuts.

Let’s start in Baltimore, where they have a professional baseball team called the Orioles because Americans don’t appreciate cricket. This week the Orioles played a game against the Chicago White Sox, not to be confused with the Boston Red Sox, who I guess forgot to sort their laundry. The short version of the Red Sox name is the BoSox, which is also what you use to hide wrinkles. The White Sox nickname is the ChiSox, in case the wrinkles are around your chin. But I digress.

This week’s Orioles-ChiSox game was played in Baltimore but city officials and team executives agreed to close the stadium because of the unrest. After the game reporters asked Orioles’ Manager Buck Showalter to comment, and he said this:

You know, I’ve never been black, okay? So I don’t know, you know I can’t put myself there, I’ve never been, you know, faced the challenges that they face, okay? So I understand the emotion, but I don’t, you know, I can’t – it’s a pet peeve of mine when somebody says, “Well, you know, I know what they’re feeling. Why don’t they do this? Why doesn’t somebody do that?” You have never been black, okay? So just slow down a little bit.

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Dear Media:

Please broadcast that on a loop with a crawler that reads: “Listen up, white Americans. This is what it sounds like when someone truly understands.”

Sincerely,
The BPI Squirrel

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My next pleasant nut came from Texas. I know, that sounds impossible. I mean, this week Texas Gov. Greg Abbott listened to absolute nuttitude and told the U.S. military that the eyes of Texas will be on them….

Ick. Another earworm. Hold on.

Whew. Okay, Texas. It turns out not every Republican in the state is willing to choke down fringe conspiracy nuttitude:

Dear Governor Abbott,

Let me apologize in advance that your letter pandering to idiots who believe that U.S. Navy SEALs and other U.S. military personnel are somehow a threat to be watched has left me livid. As a 16 year Republican member of the Texas House and a patriotic AMERICAN, I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my Governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my Governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. I’m not sure which is worse. As one of the remaining Republicans who actually believes in making decisions based on facts and evidence – you used to be a judge? – I am appalled that you would give credence to the nonsense mouthed by those who instead make decisions based on internet or radio shock jock driven hysteria. Is there ANYBODY who is going to stand up to this radical nonsense that is cancer on our State and Party? […] But this bone that you have thrown to those who believe that the U.S. Military is a threat to the State of Texas is an embarrassing distance beyond the pale. You are Governor of Texas! This is an open request – from a ghost of our State’s recent Republican past – that you act like it. Enough is enough. You have embarrassed and disappointed all Texans who are also informed, patriotic Americans. And it is important to rational governance that thinking Republicans call you out on it.

Sincerely,
Todd Smith

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Dear Todd,

Enclosed please find a macadamia, with my profound thanks.

Sincerely,
The BPI Squirrel

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And on we go to New Jersey, where Gov. Chris Christie’s staff not only had the gall to shut down the George Washington Bridge over a grudge, but the stupidity to yakkety-yack about their scheme.

Sigh. Yet another earworm.

Flick. Dance. Flick. Oh, it’s over? Sigh.

And sigh for yet more official corruption indictments in New Jersey, although those are hardly a stunner to Garden State residents. But at least this time one of them had the good grace to plead guilty:

In offering a long-rumored guilty plea under the white vaulted ceiling of a courtroom on the fifth floor of Newark’s federal courthouse, David Wildstein – suited, bearded, and ninety-one pounds slimmer than he was a year ago – told a federal judge that he, [Bill] Baroni, and [Bridget Anne] Kelly conspired to “punish [Fort Lee, New Jersey Mayor] Mark Sokolich by deliberately causing significant traffic problems in Fort Lee” in retaliation for his failure to endorse Christie’s re-election.

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Dear Gov. Greg Abbott,

That’s what a real government conspiracy looks like.

Sincerely,
The BPI Squirrel

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Oh, and it turns out people don’t actually use socks to hide facial wrinkles.

Darn.

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Good day and good nuts