Yesterday Texas Gov. Alex Jones ordered his State Guard to protect his citizens from the U.S. military. Really. Okay, mostly really…. (More)

I barely got here in time to write this because the black helicopter was late. I usually hate air travel, but that was a fun ride. For starters, the black helicopters have a nifty whisper mode, so you can’t hear them coming until they land on your lawn to whisk you away to a FEMA camp while Federal Reserve bankers use chemtrails and the HAARP superweapon set up the North American Union. Plus the crew chief served me macadamias and let me fire the nuclear missiles at Charleston.

Of course none of that is true, and Alex Jones isn’t actually the Governor of Texas. He’s actually a Jew, or at least he’s married to a Jew, and his children are Jews, and the media companies he works for hire lots of Jews, plus his Jewish attorney works for the Bronfman family (more Jews) and one of his employees used to work for a Texas firm with links to the CIA and the Mossad (still more Jews). Yes, there’s even a wacko conspiracy theory about a guy who peddles wacko conspiracy theories …

… including the theory that Operation JADE HELM, a routine military training exercise, is really a pretext for the military takeover of Texas. Or maybe the military are using the pretext of JADE HELM to round up the Russian-armed Mexican insurgents that President Obama keeps letting across our southern border.

Look, I get that the internet lowlands are a seething swamp filled with viral horrors that turn people into feverish, quivering piles of goo. Sometimes that seeps out, as it did last fall with Ebola. I mean the fear of Ebola. The virus itself was quickly contained in the U.S. because, contrary to PolitiFact’s 2014 Lie of the Year, it turned out that Ebola is hard to spread and easy to treat in a country with modern health care.

But fear is much more contagious and difficult to treat, so Gov. Greg Abbott ordered the State Guard to monitor JADE HELM and make sure the military don’t take over Texas. Or make sure the military protect Texans from the Russian-armed Mexican insurgents. Or whatever.

What happened to the people who swagger around saying “Don’t Mess With Texas?” (Well, apart from the state suing anyone who uses that phrase without permission?) Seriously. I thought Texans were karate-kicking tough guys whose pushups actually push the Earth down. I mean, Texans have the biggest school rings and the biggest hair and the biggest barbeques and of course the biggest guns. Oh, and also the biggest Frito pie, the biggest lawn chair, the biggest LED video board, the biggest Schnitzel, and the biggest brick. We won’t even discuss egos.

My point is, with all that bigness you’d think Texans wouldn’t be afraid of a military training exercise that involves only 1200 special operations personnel – spread over seven states – whose mission is move invisibly amongst the local population while identifying and gathering intelligence on fictional insurgents. Those ‘insurgents’ are other special operations personnel who are also trying to move invisibly amongst the local population.

In other words, if they perform their missions well … you’ll never know they were there. Kinda like Modesto, California’s Annual Ninja Parade:

But Modesto is up in the Central Valley, a part of California the military didn’t designate “Hostile”:

See? It’s right there. Texas is “Hostile.” Modesto and most of California are “Leaning Friendly.” Maybe against the Rockies or something.

Well, I gotta go. The black helicopter is back and this time I get to help the federal government take over Baltimore. Of course that’s complete rubbish …

… but that’s exactly what I’d say if I were one of Them….

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Good day and good nuts