“These were made with the milk from sacred cows,” Professor Plum said as he offered the Squirrel a bag of Cheez-Its.

He read the mail. (More)

The Squirrel sniffed the bag and tapped at his Blewberry. “That’s the Italian Four Cheese flavor. Were all four cheeses made with sacred milk?”

“Only the Romano, Parmesan, and Asiago,” Professor Plum said. “The Mozzarella was made from the milk of Basiglian nannies.”

The Squirrel nodded and tapped and scrolled and tapped again. “Basiglio is a suburb of Milan, and it’s the wealthiest community in Italy. I guess they can afford extra nannies. But these still smell like ordinary Italian Four Cheese flavor Cheez-Its.”

Professor Plum reached for the bag. “Well, if you don’t want them….”

The Squirrel shook his head and tapped at his Blewberry. “I didn’t say that.”

Professor Plum smiled and left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor tried to make sense of Chef’s odd raise. Chef opened by calling the big blind, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor checked with his Jack and Eight of Clubs. The flop brought the Queen and Ten of Hearts and the Five of Clubs. The Professor of Astrology Janitor checked his inside straight draw, and Chef checked behind him. The Nine of Clubs on the turn made the Professor of Astrology Janitor’s straight and gave him a Club flush draw. He bet half the pot and Chef called. The Six of Clubs fell on the river, giving the Professor of Astrology Janitor a Jack-high flush. He put in the minimum bet and Chef replied with a pot-sized raise.

Did Chef have two Clubs – including the Ace, King, and/or Queen – for a higher flush? Might she have two lower Clubs and think any flush was good? Or a King-Jack, perhaps of Hearts, and think her King-high straight was a winner? Or was she trying to buy the pot with an oversized bluff?

Try though he might, the Professor of Astrology Janitor couldn’t narrow those choices based on Chef’s play. He totaled the reasonable possibilities and the 2:1 pot odds. “I have to call,” he said warily.

“Uh oh,” Chef said as she turned up her Queen and Four of Clubs.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor showed his cards and began his plaintive mewling. Chef let out a silent sigh and then went to the kitchen to make Peppered Rosemary Oat Crackers, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Barack Obama believes the United States of America is a destabilizing, arrogant force in the world. We need our comeuppance and we need to be humbled. And so everything Barack Obama does domestically and in foreign policy is designed to humble the arrogant crackers who have always run the United States. Barack Obama looks at the United States and sees bad and intends to fundamentally transform it into something good, and in so doing take us down a peg.

Erick in GA

Dear Erick,

We congratulate you on moving from dog whistles to foghorns. While “cracker” has a long and complex history that dates back to Shakespeare, and while there is no epithet for white people that sinks to the depth of the n-word, easily-aggrieved whites were outraged when a witness described George Zimmerman as a “creepy-assed cracker,” insisting that proved she and Trayvon Martin were “the real racists.”

We note that the P5+1 negotiations include white leaders such as British Prime Minister David Cameron, French President François Hollande, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and Russian President Vladimir Putin. The principal U.S. negotiator is Secretary of State John Kerry, another white man. We concede that the P5+1 talks include no white Republicans, but we note this is because Mitt Romney lost the 2012 election. In portraying the P5+1 talks as an attempt to “humble arrogant crackers” – highlighting without actually mentioning President Obama’s race – we think you have proven that modern conservatism consists of little more than fanning flames of white resentment … while pretending never to talk about race.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Are Peppered Rosemary Oat Crackers made with the milk of sacred cows or Basiglian nannies? I hope not, because my local grocery isn’t that arrogant.

Humbly Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Humbly Hungry,

Chef notes that you can make Peppered Rosemary Oat Crackers with the milk of Upper West Side or Palm Beach nannies, or from the milk of past Grand Champion Holsteins at the World Dairy Expo.

To make these delicious crackers, first put 2 cups of rolled oats into a blender and pulse until finely chopped. Add ¼ cup plus 2 Tablespoons of all-purpose flour, 2 teaspoons of salt, 1 teaspoon of freshly ground black pepper, ½ teaspoon of chopped rosemary leaves, ¾ teaspoon of baking powder, and ¼ cup of cold butter cut into bits, and pulse until the mixture resembles a coarse meal. Add ¼ cup plus 2 Tablespoons of milk – from your local grocery if you absolutely must – and pulse for about 15 seconds, until a dough forms. Roll the dough onto a lightly-floured surface to a thickness of about ⅛ inch, then cut into 60 squares and bake at 375° for 12 to 15 minutes, until lightly brown on the bottom. Turn onto a wire rack and allow them to cool completely. Chef serves these with cream cheese made from the milk of goats who won ribbons at the American Dairy Goat Association National Championships.

Chef adds that your lowly mail room clerk has milked that joke for all it was worth. Pardon the pun. Bon appétit!



Basiglio, Italy.

Erick in GA; “cracker” has a long and complex history; no racial epithet for white people that sinks to the depth of the n-word; “creepy-assed cracker”; “the real racists”.

Grand Champion Holsteins; Peppered Rosemary Oat Crackers recipe; American Dairy Goat Association.


Happy Sunday!