“Does Chef have a recipe that uses Zeta Reticulan lettuce?” Professor Plum asked as he entered the mail room.

He read the mail…. (More)

“Is it possible that Chef already uses Zeta Reticulan lettuce?” the Squirrel texted. “If so, might it have nutrients that make people at BPI smarter? The evidence might lie halfway around the world….”

Chef reminded the Squirrel that this is not Ancient Aliens, and Professor Plum left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was hoping for an alien invasion. He opened by raising with the Ace and Queen of Clubs, and Chef called. The King and Ten of Clubs came with the Ten of Diamonds on the flop. The Professor of Astrology checked his straight flush draw and called Chef’s small bet. When the Jack of Diamonds fell on the turn, the Professor of Astrology bet his Ace-high straight, and Chef raised enough that a call would put him all-in. Did she have a King-Ten or Jack-Ten for a full house? Both other Tens for four-of-a-kind? Or was she betting three-of-a-kind, with a hand like Ace-Ten or Ten-Nine?

The pot odds demanded a call, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor sighed as Chef turned over the Jack and Ten of Hearts. His hopes came down to a single out – the Jack of Clubs to make a straight-flush – or an alien invasion to disrupt the pot. Neither came, and Chef scooped in the chips as the Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling. Chef went for the kitchen to make a Kale & Quinoa Breakfast Salad, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Our next president can unleash the greatness of America. We’re a great people, we have a vitality that’s unequaled on the planet, we come from every possible planet. Err, every possible continent. The DREAMers protesting across the street come from another planet. Every donor civilization that sent people here, legal people, to come to America, we got the vitality of their civilization. The people that had an imagination, the people that wanted to take this God-given American liberty and turn it into the development of their potential and contribute to this country came here, and they got God-given liberty and they got the foundation that was laid down by our founding fathers. They got the pillars of American Exceptionalism to build on and strengthen and refurbish and we got now a president who has eroded them. And it’s got to turn around. It’s got to turn around.

Steve in IA

We commend your ability to squeeze so many conservative buzzwords and catch phrases into one minute. That said, we note that most of those “legal people” were “legal” only because they arrived when our country had no immigration laws. They didn’t apply for visas or work permits. They just arrived and, unless they were quarantined due to disease, went to work. We note that the vast majority of today’s immigrants do the same thing. The Immigration Policy Center reports that 75% have permanent visas and another 10% arrived legally but overstayed temporary visas. They work and pay taxes, and 75% speak English within 10 years of arrival. We conclude they are as American as any previous generation of immigrants, and we are left to wonder if you and other conservatives come from … another planet.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I’ve been asked if I’ll consider running for president in 2016. Yeah, I mean, of course, when you have a servant’s heart, when you know that there is opportunity to do all you can to put yourself forward in the name of offering service, anybody would be interested. But it’s going to take more than a village to beat Hillary. We the people, we realize that this is war, it is war for the solvency, the sovereignty of the United States of America. Liberals crucify conservatives with Saul Alinsky political tactics like racism and sexism and Republicans have to reject the Orwellian and disgusting charges from the left. Reverse them, for it is they who point a finger not realizing that they have triple that amount of fingers pointing right back at them revealing that they are the ones who really discriminate and divide on color and class and sex. We call them out. We don’t let them get away with it. We have to expose the real war on women with truth because we can handle the truth. It is they who defeat women, they shackle them to the good old boys running Washington, pimping this promise that they have to provide for these little ladies’ every need, because “there, there, a woman is just not capable.”

Sarah in AK

Dear Sarah,

We wonder did you write all those buzz words on your palm fershure or were they mavericky on a teleprompter doncha know for our brave troops and Ronald Reagan ringing those bells like Paul Revere warning the British that Americans had guns on your front porch?

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Umm, okay. What dressing does Chef use on her Kale & Quinoa Breakfast Salad? And is Quinoa actually lettuce from Zeta Reticuli?

Skeptically Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Skeptically Hungry,

No, Quinoa is not lettuce from Zeta Reticuli. It’s a grain crop best known for its edible seeds, and is native to the Andes regions of South America. To make Chef’s Kale & Quinoa Breakfast Salad, first sauté 1 large chopped onion in olive oil and a dash of salt for 20 minutes, until the onion is toasty brown and caramelized. Next toast the quinoa with garlic for 1 minute in a 2-quart sauce pan over medium-high heat, then add 1 cup of water and ½ teaspoon of salt and bring to a boil. Cover and turn the heat to low, simmer for 15 minutes, then turn off the heat, leave covered for another 5 minutes, and fluff the quinoa with a fork. While the quinoa is cooking, wash and slice 1 pound of kale into thin ribbons and spread on paper towels to dry. Pit and quarter ½ cup of dates, and roughly chop ½ cup of salted whole almonds.

To make the dressing, whisk the juice of 1 mandarin orange and ½ lime together with 2 teaspoons of maple syrup and ¼ cup of extra virgin olive oil. Stir in 2 Tablespoons of the cooked quinoa and add salt and pepper to taste. In a separate bowl, toss the kale and caramelized onions together with the remaining quinoa, add about half of the dressing, and taste-test it. Add more dressing if needed, or toss in the dates and almonds and serve. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Ancient Aliens.

Steve in IA; they arrived when our country had no immigration laws; Immigration Policy Center report.

Sarah in AK; “it’s going to take more than a village to beat Hillary.”

Quinoa; Kale & Quinoa Breakfast Salad.

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Happy Sunday!