2014 is winding down, and I say good riddance. In fact, I’m already brimming with 100% guaranteed predictions for 2015. (More)

I know what you’re thinking and yes, you should open the bathroom window. Or light a scented candle. Then again, an open flame might be dangerous. Maybe just evacuate the house. I’ll wait.

Welcome back. I guess it’s fitting that 2014 should end like that. The year pretty much stank from the start. Fortunately, we’re about to flush it and move on to 2015, and I have a reputation to uphold. My 2014 predictions were 100%. So were my Super Bowl predictions. And my predictions about the Silver-Wang Feud. In fact, my predictions are so guaranteed that I’ll ask the Faculty Senate to refund your BPI tuition if these aren’t 100%….

  • In a stunning display of bipartisan spirit, House Republicans will elect Democrat Nancy Pelosi as Speaker.
  • In a similar vein, the new Senate Republican majority will pass a House bill requiring all federal buildings – including the White House – to be heated by coal-burning stoves.
  • Concerned about federal work force productivity – and the sanctity of marriage in the military – Congress will pass a bill barring “all federal employees currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue” from playing golf.
  • House Republicans will vote to censure Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA) for “saying the quiet part loud,” and nominate Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX) as their “Women’s Outreach Or Maybe In Reach Tee-Hee-Hee Director.”
  • Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia will resign and the Senate will confirm President Obama’s nominee, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, by a vote of 99-1 after Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reads the entire text of Moby Dick aloud during his record-setting 35-hour filibuster.
  • After an passionate appeal from Gov. Rick Scott (R-FL), the Florida Legislature will vote to expand Medicaid in a bill that includes the clause “all treatment under this provision must be performed at Solantic clinics.”
  • Union head Pat Lynch will demand that the NYPD’s new contract include promotion bonus points for officers who “embarrass the mayor and his f–ing revolution.”
  • In response to Pope Francis’ encyclical on climate change, Cardinal Raymond Burke will announce that he is leaving the Roman Catholic Church to help form the Petro-Baptist-Catholic Alliance.
  • And the U.S. Men’s National Cricket Team will shock the world by winning the 2015 Cricket World Cup.

So there ya go. Those are my predictions for 2015, and they’re 100% guaranteed down to the very last detail. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that tuition refund.


Good day and good nuts