Professor Plum clutched his keyboard to his chest as he walked into the mail room. “I’m hiding my backspace key,” he said. “I kind of assume I’m on their enemies list.”

He read the mail. (More)

Ms. Scarlet took Professor Plum’s free hand and they left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was making his own enemies list. It consisted of Deuces and Threes, as he had folded hands with one or the other almost continually for the past hour. He finally peeked at a pair of Sixes and promptly raised. Chef reraised and Professor of Astrology Janitor considered his options. Hoping he was only a coin-flip against a hand like Ace-King, rather than a 6:1 underdog against a bigger pair, he called.

The flop brought the Ten and Six of Diamonds and the King of Spades. The Professor of Astrology Janitor bet his three Sixes and Chef calmly called. He was sure she had something. The Deuce of Hearts fell on the turn, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor bet again. This time Chef put in a half-pot-sized raise. Was she bluffing with the Ace and King of Diamonds, hoping for another Diamond at the river to make her flush? Or did she have Kings or Tens? Either would make her a 98% favorite so she should wait and let him keep betting his three Sixes. Well, unless she thought he was drawing to a flush and she wanted to end the hand.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor decided his Sixes were all but dead and folded. Chef’s eyes widened as she saw his cards. She showed her Ace and Queen of Diamonds. “I was a three-to-one underdog, even with the straight draw.”

The Professor of Astrology Janitor nodded and began his plaintive mewling. Chef went to the kitchen to make a Northern Spy Breakfast Salad, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I kind of assume I’m on a list. I don’t think I’m the only one, along with James Rosen and the Associated Press, that garnered special attention. There’s probably a list of people. I would call a visual anecdote of something that happened some months after the three computer forensics examines confirmed these highly sophisticated remote intrusions. The video is an instance of when I was working at home at a time in particular facing a lot of specific push back and problems with the White House. In fact that day in particular, in which the access of my computer I couldn’t control it for a period of time, and although some people have kind of mistakenly, without the forensics of course and the context, analyzed it, what really happened If you look in the first couple of seconds, pages were wiping in a matter of a couple seconds. It wasn’t sort of backspace key, which doesn’t exist, or a delete key on the computer being held down. Someone told me who did it but I won’t say. I’m following advice of my attorney. This is very much ongoing and I’m just not comfortable with using the name right now. I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Sharyl in VA

Dear Sharyl,

We applaud your consistency in reaching for conspiracy theories rather than looking for mundane causes. Whether it’s your scientifically absurd campaign against childhood vaccinations, your breathless insistence that the Obama administration must be covering up something about Benghazi, or your new claims that your laptop was hacked by people so incompetent they made sure you could record it on your cell phone, you see shadowy forces lurking everywhere. Except in the actual shadows beneath your obviously stuck delete key. Your latest conspiracy theory is so ridiculous that your only named source – a security firm you hired to investigate your computer – has refused to comment on their findings, citing a confidentiality agreement. In short, we’re supposed to take your word for it that this video is not a stuck delete key but rather a transparently clumsy hack by an unnamed Obama administration “they” because “I assume I’m on a list.”

If that is the best evidence you can produce, you so discredit yourself that there would be no reason for anyone else to step in and help. We conclude that you have grossly overestimated your significance.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Am I on the list to get Chef’s Northern Spy Breakfast Salad recipe?

Surveilling the Menu in Blogistan

Dear Surveilling the Menu,

In fact you are on Chef’s list, although the recipe comes from the Northern Spy Food Company in New York City. To make a Northern Spy Breakfast Salad, first cube ½ cup of butternut squash, toss it in just enough olive oil to coat, and season it with salt and black pepper. Roast the squash in a 425° oven for 40 minutes, turning every 10-15 minutes, until the squash is tender and caramelized. Toast ¼ of sliced almonds in the same oven for 10 minutes until their nutty aroma rises. Remove the stems and ribs from 1 bunch of kale and slice it finely, then toss it in a bowl with the squash, almonds, and ¼ cup of crumbled cheddar cheese. Season to taste with lemon juice, olive oil, salt, and pepper, then divide into two bowls and top each with a fried egg and a sprinkling of grated Romano cheese. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Sharyl in VA; “I’m following advice of my attorney“; scientifically absurd campaign against childhood vaccinations; scientifically absurd campaign against childhood vaccinations; Benghazi; stuck delete key; security firm has refused to comment on their findings.

Northern Spy Breakfast Salad.

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Happy Sunday!