Professor Plum walked into the mail room wearing a coconut shell bra. We’re not having a luau, so he must have read the mail. (More)

Ms. Scarlet gave him The Look, then led him off to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor also had a small pair: two black Fives. Chef opened the pot with a raise and the Professor of Astrology Janitor called. The flop brought the Five and Six of Hearts and the Four of Clubs. Chef checked and the Professor of Astrology Janitor bet his three Fives. Chef paused for a moment and called. The Four of Hearts on the turn gave the Professor of Astrology Janitor a full house, yet Chef calmly put in a pot-sized bet.

Had she made a Heart flush? If so, his full house was a winner, unless Chef had a straight flush. He knew Chef would not have opened the pot with a Deuce-Three, so he was only worried about the Eight-Seven. That was just one out dozens of hands with which she might raise to open. More likely, Chef had the Ace and another big Heart. The Professor of Astrology Janitor called.

The river brought the Ten of Spades. Chef checked and the Professor of Astrology Janitor put in a small bet, hoping she might think he had a smaller flush and call. Instead she raised enough that a call would risk the rest of his chips. Clearly, Chef wasn’t afraid that he had the Eight-Seven of Hearts. So she must have it. He tossed his Fives into the muck and began his plaintive mewling. Chef smiled and went to the kitchen to make Ham and Egg Breakfast Cups, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I should never have joked that Mariam Al Mansouri, the United Arab Emirates’ first female fighter pilot, was the “boobs on the ground” in the fight against ISIS. My first apology was inadequate and Fox News has received letters from viewers including from women in the military and I’m taking them to heart. Therefore, let me speak clearly and sincerely. I’m sorry for what I said. I believe that Major Al Mansouri is a hero. She’s courageous, brave and she deserves our praise and not inappropriate jokes. She has my admiration and my very, very sincere gratitude.

Eric in NJ

Dear Eric,

We appreciate your apology. But we regret that, yet again, you made an insulting comment for which you had to apologize. You have a history of this, in comments about President Obama meeting with Gabon President Ali Bongo Ondimba, and later with comments about President Obama’s visit to Ireland. We suggest that, rather than repeating this pattern, you learn to behave.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

The UAE should know that when I joked about whether Major al Mansouri could park her jet, I didn’t mean to slight their progressive move in having this great woman lead the war on terror blowing up those heathens. She’s pretty awesome. And of course, women in the UAE can drive. That’s the real joke. They can drive, and I can’t. I don’t even have a driver’s license.

Greg in NY

Dear Greg,

We cannot applaud your apology, because you didn’t offer one. Instead, you offered the usual “just a joke” non-apology that blames others for not understanding your ‘humor.’ We suggest that you and Eric ask Fox News to change the name of your show to Man Boobs or, better yet, Dicks on Fox News.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Now that’s just uncalled for. Of course it was stupid and boorish what my colleagues Eric Bolling and Greg Gutfeld said. But these two men are not sexists. What they said was sexist, but they are not sexists. If Gutfeld and Bolling were sexists, the company gossip would have identified them so a long time ago. Neither has that reputation. They are both well liked in the company. I like them. We don’t always agree, but I like them.

Greta in D.C.

Dear Greta,

We applaud you for illustrating the “Testimonials” point in the U.S. Army Study Guide on Racism and Sexism. These are arguments that someone who has behaved in a racist or sexist manner “isn’t a racist/sexist.” That argument posits a strawman – the mythical “real racist/sexist” – conveniently defined such that behaviors like those listed at “Everyday Sexism” and “Everyday Racism” don’t make the perpetrator “a real racist/sexist.” As you were a prosecutor, we’ll explain it in these terms: Someone who has committed murder is “a murderer.” Someone who has committed theft is “a thief.” And someone who has committed a racist or sexist act – as you admit your colleagues did – is “a racist/sexist.”

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Can I ask a question, sweetheart?

Charlie in MA

Dear Charlie,

No, you may not. Instead, we suggest you read about and learn to avoid future incidents of benevolent sexism.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Did Chef really have the Eight and Seven of Hearts for that straight flush? Also, how does she make Ham and Egg Breakfast Cups?

Not Flushing Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Not Flushing Breakfast,

No, Chef did not have the Eight and Seven of Hearts. She had the other two Fours, for four of a kind. As for her Ham and Egg Breakfast Cups, they’re very easy. Just line the cups of a lightly-greased muffin tin with sliced ham, crack an egg into each cup, sprinkle chopped green onions and cheese or your other favorite omelet toppings on top, and bake at 400°F for 12-15 minutes, until the egg white sets up and the yolk reaches your desired firmness. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Eric in NJ, Greg in NY; Greg’s previous apologies.

Greta in D.C.; U.S. Army Study Guide; everyday sexism; everyday racism.

Charlie in MA; benevolent sexism.

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Happy Sunday!