Most humans know the phrase “woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” But they don’t know its link to the phrase “every branch on the way down” … because they’re not squirrels. (More)
I know what you’re thinking: “Squirrels didn’t invent the phrase ‘woke up on the wrong side of the bed.’ Squirrels don’t even have beds!”
Oh sure, stand on literalness, as if humans can “wake up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.” And no, squirrels didn’t invent that expression. For us, that would be redundant.
Anyway, I woke up on the wrong side of the bead and hit every branch on the way down, and that makes perfect sense if you’re a squirrel.
It started before I went to bed, because I attended the Squirrel Council meeting because Mrs. Squirrel was knitting and someone had to represent the Phlyphytyphts so there I was and the topic was Why Everyone Here Is An Idiot Except Me. Okay, that wasn’t the topic, but it pretty much summarizes the discussion.
So I went to bed grumpy and woke up -ier because branches, starting with Bill O’Reilly’s campaign to disprove white privilege by exemplifying it:
Few in the marketplace have bestowed favor on me, Ms. Howard, because I am an independent maverick and kind of obnoxious.
Perhaps he doesn’t realize that he gets to be “an independent maverick and kind of obnoxious” – yet still have a net worth of $85 million – because white men can get away with things that tend to stifle other people’s career trajectories.
Anyway, then I found out that “Of course, Obama is a Democrat in name only” because he hasn’t yet replaced the jobs lost in the Great Recession. Never mind the roughly 1.7 million (mostly local) public sector jobs that were cut since 2009, a “hidden austerity” that reduced consumer demand and thus limited other job growth.
But at least Keith Olbermann thinks NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell should resign over the Ray Rice fiasco, unlike the Fox News crew who joked that the real lesson of this incident was that Rice should have taken the stairs so his attack on Janay Rice, his then-fiancée, wouldn’t be recorded.
And Mediaite thought the Baltimore Ravens must deeply regret tweeting that Mrs. Rice “deeply regrets the role she played in the incident.” Maybe so, as the Ravens have deleted that tweet. But as several readers point out, the tweet was one in a series sent out weeks ago, during the couple’s press conference.
All of which raises the thorny issue of whether leaking the video re-victimized Janay Rice, who is now ‘famous’ for perhaps the worst moment of her life.
But the video did spark two Twitter hashtags where women shared their stories of domestic violence and why they stayed with, or left, their batterers. Ethlie Ann Vare added her own story at the Huffington Post, with a title taken the Crystals’ 1962 song “He Hit Me (and it Felt Like a Kiss)“. That song was arranged and produced by Phil Spector, who was later convicted of murder but told a magazine the woman “kissed the gun” and then committed suicide.
I kept falling into other branches, including an ominous warning that millennials don’t have enough credit card debt. Only near the end does that Vox explainer note that the real problem isn’t millennials increasingly substituting debit for credit cards, but that credit agencies score people on how much they borrow and pay off … and the agencies are revising their methods to better score people who (quite reasonably) choose not to use credit cards.
But Vox also had 38 maps that really do help explain Europe, and an excellent piece on #GamerGate, with links to other branches to hit, including whether the identity of “gamer” is dying, and who “killed” it and why do “gamers” insist on epitomizing the misogyny they purport to deny.
Oh, and some people think the 9/11 tragedy involved underground nuclear weapons. Yes, really.
“But Squirrel,” I hear you thinking, “surely you’ve hit the ground by now.”
Au contraire, as this charming cousin would chitter:
There was still the branch about the Pennsylvania mom who’s going to jail because she helped her teenage daughter get an abortion, or more precisely, the Pennsylvania mom who’s going to jail because that state has shut down so many clinics that her only affordable option was to buy an abortion pill online. And this branch about why the new Republican strategy of “over-the-counter birth control” is merely a talking point that ignores women’s health care needs. And the Washington state megachurch that’s closing some satellite churches (and firing their pastors) because word has spread that their head loon thinks women were created to provide homes for penises.
Which, after another branch for how Photoshop editors around the world revised a biracial woman’s portrait, led to six myths about women and sex and this charming BuzzFeed Violet video:
And there, finally, was the ground. Oof. I got up, shook out my fur, and headed from Árbol Squirrel to my office in the mailroom at New Venerable Hall, with a stop at the kitchen for some macadamias, and here I am. Still grumpy, but not quite -ier now.
Good day and good nuts