When the cameras stop rolling and the lights go dark, we’re left with the fine line between reality, fantasy, and non-existence. (More)
Welcome back to the 6th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Yesterday we celebrated the ads we didn’t see. Today we honor TV series and movies that were not made. Tomorrow we conclude with political columns that were not written.
We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak Theater, where the bears are dozing in sated bliss after their successful ‘Money for Honey’ Bitestarter campaign. And hundreds of entertainment reporters from around the world had no idea they missed yesterday’s opening, so they aren’t here today either.
But before we get back to the awards, let’s check in backstage with the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet in their new featurette, Cheeky: Behind the Back of Beyond the Bippies:
Scarlet@BPI: Oh, and if Mrs. Squirrel decides to try water aerobics, tell her not to wear a string-tie bathing suit.
Squirrel@BPI: I’m sure the thought would never cross her mind. Oh, we’re back. So Ms. Scarlet, have you had any other modeling offers, besides BPI’s curvaceous and coveted Bippies?
Scarlet@BPI: Well, the Techistan Institute of Technology wanted me to model for their awards. But their letter had lots of typos. Like, it said I had “D perky look we want.”
Squirrel@BPI: I don’t think that was a typo.
Scarlet@BPI: And it said their awards ceremony is in Silicone Valley.
Squirrel@BPI: Aren’t they clever.
Scarlet@BPI: Anyway, I sent the letter to my agent.
Squirrel@BPI: And what did she say?
Scarlet@BPI: She said she’d call their parents. I never heard anything more after that.
Squirrel@BPI: I wonder why.
All rightie then. We’ll get back to them later in the ceremony. Now on to the awards. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.
So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2014 BPI Awards for TV Series that were not made:
Disabled FBI Special Agent Kevin Hardy is back to duty to investigate the monster he thought was gone forever. Will he track down serial swindler James Carroll and his cult before they scam viewers into wasting irreplaceable hours watching pretentious dialogue between drearily repetitive celebrations of mayhem?
FBI Most Wanted fugitive Green Greenington turns himself in and promises to help them foil his list of master criminals, but only if he can work with rookie FBI Agent Ellen Eager. When the FBI ask why, he explains that he’s a bit long in the tooth and they’ll need an ingenue and simmering hints of paternal manipulation to attract viewers.
Naked and Haunted
In this edgy reality series, two contestants are sent naked into a haunted house, where they trade insults while looking for ghosts – and something to cover their can’t-be-shown-on-TVs – before finally deciding they respect each other more than the producers who pitted them against each other.
Clearly all of these deserve non-existence. But before we announce any winners, here are the nominees for movies that were not made:
Trailer: In a world where audiences use only 10% of their brains, Woocy is kidnapped and given a drug that releases her full potential. Will her growing superpowers help her foil the villains before she eats all the Raisinettes?
Director’s Comment: I wanted to make a film that turns the audience’s mind inside out and makes them wonder if those Raisinettes were laced with LSD.
Trailer: In a world where everything is made of plastic blocks, can Princess Blox escape the clutches of the sinister villain Snapit and win the love of Prince Erector?
Director’s Comment: Animated kids’ movies about toys that come to life have become cliché, so I added a princess.
Saviors of the Solar System
Trailer: In a world beyond imagining except with digital rendering, a group of space pirates known as the Rampagers threaten to destroy the sun with the Orb of Whatever unless the earth pays a ransom of Raisinettes. Can Bomber the Beaver and his band of rogue heroes protect the solar system and boost concession sales?
Director’s Comment: They hired me to do a superhero movie but then I found out most of our budget came from sponsors, so there ya go.
Rarely have we been more delighted with non-existence. And the winners are …
… Naked and Haunted and Woocy, because reality TV is a lot easier to watch if you use only 10% of your brain.
Please shower our winners with Raisinettes! And join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Cheeky: Behind the Back of Beyond the Bippies, and our awards for political columns that were not written.