Yet again we offer those notices of nullity, those blurbs of blankness, the BPI Awards for excellence in non-existent ads. (More)

Welcome to the 6th Annual BPI Awards, those curvacious and coveted Bippies. Each summer, the BPI resident faculty and staff take a break from reality to recognize excellence in non-existence. And this year our Bippies are bigger than ever. Um. Well.

As always, every major entertainment reporter is not here to cover the BPI Awards. And for the third consecutive year, Zen Master Wi Dono honored us by not only not attending but by not even thinking about not attending. In fact, this year he did not contact every other major zen master, and they did not attend or even think about not attending either.

And once again, we are not at the opulent Kodiak Theater. The Parks Department said we could use it this year, but only if we brought enough honey for all the bears. Alas, at over $6 per pound, we could not afford both honey and tinsel. So, yet again, we reveal our Bippies online.

We’re also proud to announce that last year’s behind-the-scenes featurette Stuck in the Behind: The Growth of the Bippies – starring the Squirrel and Ms. Scarlet – was recommended by that fifth dentist, the one who doesn’t recommend that chewing gum. They’re back again with this year’s featurette, Cheeky: Behind the Back of Beyond the Bippies:

Scarlet@BPI: Flabby? You think so?

Squirrel@BPI: I meant the title. Oh we’re on. I’m here again with Ms. Scarlet, the model for our curvaceous and coveted–

Scarlet@BPI: –Because I started water aerobics this spring, to tone up. I don’t bounce nearly as much.

Squirrel@BPI: I see….

Scarlet@BPI: In the water, I meant. Less impact on the knees and ankles.

Squirrel@BPI: Oh. Yeah, I guess that would be easier.

Scarlet@BPI: But you need to wear a bathing suit. I forgot once and that was way too bouncy.

Squirrel@BPI: Umm….

We’ll get back to them later.

Our first category honors the best in non-existent advertising. Yet again, it was difficult to distinguish real non-existence from the non-existent reality of most ads. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab and the results then sealed in the bottom of Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2014 BPI Awards in Non-Existent Advertising:

Club for Prosperity PAC – “Corporate Crony”

Pete Pockets proudly says he was endorsed by the Chamber of Business. That he’s the establishment candidate. And sure, he is. In fact, he’s the face of corporate cronyism. How can he stand for you when he’s been bought by them? This year, say “No!” to the establishment. Vote for Will Wildman. A man of the people. Paid-for-by-the-Club-for-Prosperity-PAC-not-associated-with-any-candidate.

Chamber of Business PAC – “Wild Man”

Will Wildman says he’ll stop inside politics, but really he’s frothing at the mouth to stop everything. He doesn’t understand that the business of America is business. This year, you need a representative who’ll stand by the man who signs your paycheck. You need Pete Pockets. Paid-for-by-the-Chamber-of-Business-PAC-not-associated-with-any-candidate.

Sindy Sincere – “All About You”

I’m Sindy Sincere and I don’t have big money groups running ads for me. But I have you. Look, it doesn’t matter if the other guys choose Pete Pockets or Will Wildman. Neither of them will help you take care of your family. I want you to have good schools, good roads, good health care, and a good job. This year, vote for someone who’s all about you. I’m Sindy Sincere, and I approved this message.

PharmaSutra – “Blyssyfyx”

Are you … oh, we don’t have time. Blyssyfyx-is-not-recommended-for-women-who-are-pregnant-or-may-become-pregnant, or-for-men-who-know-women-who-may-be-pregnant-or-become-pregnant. Side-effects-may-include-nausea-vomiting-shortness-of-breath-dizziness-sleepiness-dropping-things-hearing-voices-singing-in-public-playing-with-food-chasing-butterflies-bobbing-for-french-fries-hoping-you-get-the-X-in-Scrabble-flushing-the-toilet-with-your-toes-hogging-the-covers-mowing-your-kitchen-floor….

Walmarket – “Tis the Season”

It’s never too soon to start your holiday shopping and at Walmarket we’re already starti– thwack. Okay, maybe it was too soon.

All truly worthy nominees, as I’m sure you’ll agree. And the winner is …

… what? I’m told the judges have just disqualified Sindy Sincere’s ad because there really are candidates like that. They’re called Democrats. And I picked her in the campus pool too. Sigh. Okay, so the other winner is …

Walmarket, for “Tis the Season.” Because at least it was short.

Tune in tomorrow, when we’ll honor excellence in movies and TV series that were not made, and have more of Cheeky: Behind the Back of Beyond the Bippies. Let’s have a round of applause for Walmarket!


Happy Thursday!