“Just so you know,” Professor Plum said as he walked into the mail room, “I never read the BPI mail. That was the BLM.”

He read the mail. (More)

Professor Plum and Ms. Scarlet left to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor opened with a raise on the third consecutive hand. The previous two had been bluffs and Chef had folded, so when the Professor of Astrology Janitor peeked at a pair of black Kings he was sure Chef would call his opening raise with anything. And she did. The flop brought the Ace of Clubs, the King of Diamonds, and the Nine of Hearts. Having made three of a kind, the Professor of Astrology Janitor checked, hoping Chef would bet so he could raise. Instead she checked behind him. The Ace of Spades fell on the flop. Now with Kings full over Aces, the Professor of Astrology Janitor put in a pot-sized bet. And Chef raised with all of her remaining chips.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor considered his options. He guessed that Chef would have called his opening raise with any pair or a suited Ace. Only three such hands could beat him: a pair of Aces making four of a kind, the Ace and King of Hearts making Aces full over Kings, and the Ace and Nine of Diamonds making Aces full over Nines. She might also have any of three possible pairs of Nines, making Nines full over Aces, and think she had the best hand. Or she might be bluffing. With three likely hands that would beat his and three that would not, plus the bluff possibility, the odds favored a call. He did, and sighed with relief as Chef turned over her two black Nines.

And then the Nine of Diamonds fell on the river. The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling and Chef went to the kitchen to make Mother’s Day Chocolate Waffles, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

We’re outraged that the FBI are investigating us. We never pointed any guns at any BLM agents or Metro Police officers at Cliven Bundy’s ranch. Like Cliven said and Kevin Williamson wrote, we’re the Rosa Parks and Gandhis of our generation.

Bundy Supporters in NV

Dear Bundy Supporters,

We sympathize with your wish to be seen in the same light as Rosa Parks and Mahatma Gandhi. However, we note that both Parks and Gandhi did something that Cliven Bundy and you have thus far refused to do. They went to jail. As for your claim that you never pointed guns at BLM agents or Metro Police officers, we note local police and sheriffs deputies say otherwise, and their statements are supported by several published photographs. We conclude that you will likely get the opportunity to follow in the footsteps of Parks and Gandi. But unlike their time in jail, yours will be entirely justified.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

The mainstream media are calling my Select Committee a partisan witch hunt conducted for purely political gain. I have never sought to raise a single penny on the backs of four murdered Americans. Yes, this may last into 2016, because I know the White House are still hiding key evidence and if an administration is slow-walking document production, I can’t end a trial simply because the defense won’t cooperate. There are unanswered questions here. Why was security so lax on the anniversary of 9/11? Why were no military units sent to Benghazi? Why were all references to “terrorists” and “attacks” edited out of the White House talking points for that weekend? I won’t stop until I get those answers.

Trey in SC

Dear Trey,

We note that you did, in fact, discuss Benghazi at a political fundraiser in September 2013. We also note that all three of your unanswered questions have, in fact, been answered. For example, the Senate Select Committee report released in January covered diplomatic security at great length. It also discussed the fact that there were no military units within range to intervene on the night of the attack, and numerous witnesses have testified that the military were never told to “stand down.” The drafting of the administration talking points has been fully investigated, and Deputy CIA Director Michael Morell testified that he was not pressured by the White House, and that he did not make the changes you allege. The issue is not that your questions have never been answered, but that you and other Republicans simply refuse to accept the answers. We conclude that your “trial” should be barred on grounds of fourteenple jeopardy.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Mom loves chocolate and I’m making her breakfast today. How do I make those Chocolate Waffles?

Making Breakfast for Mom in Blogistan

Dear Making Breakfast for Mom,

Thank you for taking such good care of your mother today. To make Mother’s Day Chocolate Waffles, first melt 3 Tablespoons of unsalted butter together with 3 Tablespoons of vegetable shortening in a small sauce pan. In a large bowl, whisk together 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 1 Tablespoon of baking powder, 3 Tablespoons of sugar, and ¼ teaspoon of salt. In a separate bowl, whisk together 3 large eggs, 1 cup of milk, ½ cup of chocolate syrup, and ½ teaspoon of vanilla extract. Whisk the egg mixture into the flour mixture until combined, and then whisk in the butter mixture. Cook the waffles on a waffle iron, and keep them warm in a 250° oven if necessary. Chef dusts them lightly with confectioner’s sugar and serves them with fresh berries. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Bundy Supporters in NV; Rosa Parks; Gandhi.

Trey in SC; questions; discussed Benghazi at political fundraiser; Senate Select Committee report; military were never told to “stand down;” Morell’s testimony on talking points; fourteenple jeopardy.

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Happy Mother’s Day!