President Obama will meet secretly with Muslim Marxist Muhammad al-Acorn and extraterrestrial overlord Xyzyx Qyx today, a White House source revealed. (More)

The meeting will be held in an undisclosed location at the Devil’s Tower Monument in Wyoming, a National Park Service source confirmed. The area was cleared yesterday after Army helicopters used a sleep agent to sedate nearby sheep and then announced a toxic gas leak, according to a senior Pentagon official who asked not to be named Steven Spielberg.

Muhammad al-Acorn gave the keynote address at last year’s Scary Non-American Rappers’ Konvention, according to SNARK records, where he called for the U.S. to adopt Marxist Sharia law. Among other changes, that would require all Christians to have an abortion or face deportation to a FEMA camp and have their homes seized and given to undocumented Mexican immigrants.

A Zeta Reticulan spokesbeing confirmed that Xyzyx Qyx was elected extraterrestrial overlord by the One Galactic Government Committee, whose agenda includes mandatory homosexuality, the seizure of all “weapons of resistance,” universal surveillance by armed drones, and reducing atmospheric CO2 levels by requiring all earthlings to commute by bicycle while wearing mommy jeans and a goofy helmet.

The meeting will be hosted by Lorena Bobbitt, who will open the proceedings by emasculating the male passengers and crew of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. They have been held at Area 51 in Nevada for almost three weeks, since President Obama used an electromagnetic pulse device to seize the airliner in mid-flight, said a psychiatrist at St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Washington D.C. whose duties include deprogramming CIA domestic sleeper agents under Project POSSE COMITATUS.

Also on the meeting agenda will be returning the city of St. Petersburg, Florida to Russia, according to a source close to President Vladimir Putin. The source confirmed that President Obama is anxious to surrender the retirement haven to demonstrate his spinelessness before launching his tyrannical plot.

In other news, Speaker John Boehner confirmed that the breakfast menu for today’s House Republican Caucus Breakfast will be arugula quiche.

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Happy April Fool’s Day!