The big game is tomorrow, and Mrs. Squirrel and I have decorated our drey with tiny horseshoes made from paper clips, because squirrels never root for teams named after birds of prey. But we do make predictions, and mine are 100% guaranteed. (More)
I know what you’re thinking. Pundits’ predictions are usually no more reliable than flipping a coin. But as BPI’s roving reporter, I hold myself to a higher standard. My first round of predictions for 2014 were 100% accurate, just as I promised. So you can take these to the bank, if your bank is open on Saturdays:
- Cars will be backed up all the way to Boston as fans try to get to the Meadowlands in East Rutherford, New Jersey while Gov. Chris Christie, stung by the comments of New York Mayor Bill DeBlasio, stands on the George Washington Bridge directing a “traffic study.”
- Former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani will assure Fox News viewers that there’s only a 50-50 chance that Gov. Christie knows anything.
- The sun will emerge during the Fox Sports pregame show, reflecting off Terry Bradshaw’s pate to blind co-host Howie Long. Jimmy Johnson will offer to let Bradshaw “use some of my perfect hair.”
- Windows, eyeglasses, and watch crystals around the nation will shatter as operatic soprano Renée Fleming hits “o’er the land of the free-eeeee” while singing the National Anthem.
- To honor nearby Wall Street, Super Bowl referee Terry McAulay will toss a $100 bill rather than the usual commemorative coin. The wind will blow it into the hands of Donald Trump, who will take it as a sign that he should run for pope.
- To trip up the Seahawks’ defense, Broncos’ quarterback Peyton Manning will replace his usual pre-snap code of “Omaha,” the Native American name of a city in Nebraska, with “Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg,” the Native American name of a lake in Massachusetts. Manning will revert to his usual pre-snap call after the seventh delay-of-game penalty.
- In a display of sportsmanship and camaraderie, Seahawks defensive back Richard Sherman will hug Broncos’ receiver Wes Welker throughout every Denver passing play, saying “I know what an awful interview feels like.”
- During the halftime show, a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ will reveal the … stems … of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The social media buzz will spark the launch of Flipper, a new service that allows users to send insults simply by lifting their middle fingers to the screen.
- As the temperature plunges during the second half, Fox announcers Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will be shivering too hard to pronounce “c-c-crit-t-tic-c-c-cal-l-l th-th-third-d-d d-d-down-n-n s-s-sit-t-tua-sh-sh-tion-n-n” before the play is over.
- The game will end in a first-ever tie when the players, coaches, and officials collectively refuse to even consider staying out there for overtime.
- During their joint post-game interview, Wes Welker will embrace and thank Richard Sherman, “whose hugs were all that kept me from freezing.”
- During the Fox post-game show, Terry Bradshaw will lead the cast and a grateful nation in a poignant rendition of “Kumbaya.”
So there you have it … my 100% guaranteed predictions for Super Bowl XLVIII, or as we call it, Super Bowl Exelveeayeayeaye.
Good day and good nuts