This month hundreds of millions of humans and our alien overlords will tune in to watch professional sporting events. Okay, I’m not sure about the alien overlords, but I’ll be Pascal’s Bookie … just in case. (More)

Sports Predictions for January 2014

The excitement begins with the National Hockey League’s annual outdoor Winter Classic on New Year’s Day, which I boldly predict was already won by the Toronto Maple Leafs by a 3-2 score in overtime, after a shootout, over the Detroit Red Wings. I include that only in case our alien overlords were hung over and missed it. There were also so many college bowl games that who really cares, so I won’t even mention them.

NFL Wild Card Weekend

So really the excitement starts today with the National Football League playoffs, because nothing says “Happy New Year!” like “Red right Z short motion 24 action waggle X-Y deep reads on two.” Which makes as much sense as the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne.

  • Kansas City at Indianapolis – Today’s game is a rematch of Week 16, when the Chiefs lost because of turnovers. But don’t expect a repeat, as today’s game will be decided by crescent rolls.
  • New Orleans at Philadelphia – Two of the NFL’s most offensive teams play tonight, and the Eagles’ fans will be up to the occasion when two inebriates say “Yo.” The resulting melee will spill onto the field, where both teams’ punters will be ejected for unsportsmanlike hiding.
  • San Diego at Cincinnati – The Bengals will celebrate their first playoff win since 1990 when the Chargers are unable to shovel their way from the hotel to the stadium amidst Winter Storm IoIoSoOffToWorkIGo.
  • San Francisco at Green Bay – The opening kickoff will set the tone for this game, when the kicker discovers the ball has frozen to the tee. A lone field goal will be the only score before the players unanimously agree that machismo has its limits and refuse to return from halftime.

Bowl Championship Series National Championship Game

The NCAA Division I Football Intergalactic Championship will be played on Monday night at the Rose Bowl, although it won’t be the Rose Bowl because they played that on New Year’s Day and who really cares, between the SEC Champion Auburn Tigers and the ACC Champion Florida State Seminoles. Most of the game will be devoted to debating next year’s College Football Playoffs, which will have four teams playing semifinal games in the Sugar Bowl and Rose Bowl on January 1st and the winners meeting on January 12th in the Why Weren’t There Eight Teams Huh? Championship Game at the Cotton Bowl, although it won’t be the Cotton Bowl because they will have already played that on New Years Day and it wasn’t even part of the playoff series so who really cared and this system still sucks.

NHL All Star Game

This won’t happen because some players will be getting ready for the XXII Winter Olympics in Don’t Joke About Sochiing Any Part Of Anyone With Similar Anatomy Or You’ll Go To Jail, Love Vladimir. NHL players who aren’t on their nation’s teams and aren’t getting ready for the XXII Winter Olympics will be at home with a VI-pack.

NBA Highlights

The Indiana Pacers will hire someone else to shovel a path from their hotel to their arena and continue to dominate the Eastern Conference, while the New York Knicks will build snowmen in front of their hotel and sign them to replace some of their many injured players, who were all ice cold anyway, and the Milwaukee Bucks will shovel themselves into their hotel and stay there until spring.

In the Western Conference, the Portland Trailblazers will be upset by the Sacramento Kings on January 7, when Kings’ center DeMarcus Cousins will record a career-high 50 points and shoot 10-for-10 from three-point range after revealing that he is one of our alien overlords. Former NBA star Dennis Rodman will say “I always thought there was something strange about that guy.”

Good day and good nuts