I’m not saying 2013 was a bad year. I’m just saying it started with a cliff and went downhill from there. (More)
January – I’m not kidding. The year began with the House and Senate wrangling over the “fiscal cliff.” Also, Maryland brought in marriage equality, while Illinois banned both shark fins and motorcycle wheelies. But Congress agreed to a deal on that cliff, and President Obama signed it, so Congress declared him the winner of the 2012 election, thus ending the National Hockey League’s 113-day lockout and allowing Auburn to defeat Notre Dame in the Bowl Championship Series National Championship Bowl, which meant no living players were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, because Lance Armstrong admitted to doping to win the Tour de France, allowing New York’s Mallory Hagan to become the XCIInd Miss America, leading to the indictment of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and the two inaugurations of President Obama, because Sunday, although he gave only one Inaugural Address, because Monday.
February – So Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resigned, causing a power outage at the Super Bowl that allowed Baltimore to defeat San Francisco by a score of XXXIV to XXXI, after which the Postal Service announced it would cancel Saturday mail delivery in August to allow Carnival Cruise Lines to become a towing service, forcing President Obama to give his State of the Union Address with Ted Nugent in the audience, because US Airways and American Airlines merged, leading the Air Force to ground all 51 F-35s due to mechanical failures after a meteor exploded over Chelyabinsk, Russia, because Argo won the Oscar for Best Picture, and Chuck Hagel was sworn in as Secretary of Defense, the first former enlisted man to hold that post, apart from new Treasury Secretary Jack Lew’s loopie-loop signature, which drove Pope Benedict the Super Bowl XVI to abdicate.
March – That naturally drove the Dow Jones Industrial to a new high, forcing Sen. Rand Paul to filibuster for 13 hours about drones bombing cafés, which led the College of Cardinals to choose Pope Francis I and helped the FBI to solve the 1990 theft at Boston’s Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum, just in time for the Senate to pass a budget for the House to ignore while the European Union bailed out Cyprus.
April – But the United Nations adopted the Arms Trade Treaty so the Louisville Cardinals could defeat the Michigan Wolverines LXXXII to LXXVI in the NCAA Men’s March Madness Marathon, not to be confused with the Boston Marathon, the site of a tragic bombing that killed 3 people and wounded 260 the day before ricin-laced letters began arriving at the U.S. Senate, after which 15 people were killed and 160 injured when a chemical plant exploded in Texas, and 1129 people died and 2500 were injured when a building collapsed in Bangladesh, forcing the Kansas City Chiefs to choose 308-pound tackle Eric Fisher as the first pick in the NFL draft.
May – Rhode Island became the 10th state to recognize marriage equality, causing Orb to win the Kentucky Derby and Defense Distributed to begin using 3D printers to make plastic handguns, allowing Bank of America to pay a $1.6 billion fine while three women were rescued from years of captivity in Cleveland, so Delaware joined the marriage equality club, forcing an Arizona jury to convict Jodi Arias of first-degree murder, despite Attorney General Eric Holder revealing that the Justice Department subpoenaed phone records of Associated Press reporters to track down an FBI leak while Minnesota went all out for marriage equality, so the IRS admitted they gave special scrutiny to obviously political groups seeking tax-exempt status and the Boy Scouts lifted their ban on gays, causing a spree of tornadoes that left 34 dead in Oklahoma and Kansas.
June – All of this was revealed by Edward Snowden after he fled his home and NSA job in Hawaii for the pen of Glenn Greenwald and the Moscow Airport, where the NBA’s Miami Heat defeated the San Antonio Spurs in VII games, forcing the NHL to hold their playoffs on the one remaining ice cube in Chicago, where the Blackhawks defeated the Boston Bruins in VI games while Englishman Justin Rose won the CXIIIth U.S. Open, leading the U.S. Supreme Court to overturn Title IV of the Voting Rights Act and Section III of the Defense of Marriage Act and uphold a trial court decision overturning California Proposition VIII, so II out of III, I guess.
July – The dog days of summer began with Croatia joining the European Union because Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was deposed, forcing a Florida jury to acquit George Zimmerman so Detroit’s emergency manager could file for bankruptcy, after which the Cleveland kidnapper gave up and pleaded guilty.
August – The dogs demanded an apology when Jason Duffner won the PGA Championship the day before Boston mobster Whitey Bulger was convicted of racketeering, leading to the indictment of New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez on murder charges, which Syrian President Bashir al-Assad took as the green light to drop poison gas on his own people, forcing President Obama to ask Congress to authorize a military response, and their response was “While we’re on recess?!?” so the NFL reached a $765 million settlement in lawsuits filed by former players who had suffered concussions, none of whom, surprisingly, was in Congress.
September – After the Cleveland kidnapper committed suicide and while Republicans in Congress debated whether it would be better to embarrass President Obama by denying him authority for a military strike in Syria or by demanding a certain-to-fail regime change goal, Secretary of State John Kerry said they could resolve the problem if Bashir al-Assad would turn over Syria’s chemical weapons, and al-Assad said “Really?!?” and Russian President Vladimir Putin said “Yes, really!!!” and that was that so New York’s Nina Davuluri became the XCIIIrd Miss America and the second from New York in one year and don’t even ask, because the next day a gunman killed 12 people at the Washington Navy Yard but hey freedom and besides Breaking Bad won Best Drama at the LXVth Emmy Awards.
October – Obviously that forced Congress to shut down the government because Obamacare except the parts they wanted like air travel and World War II memorials because freedom while Sen. Ted Cruz read Green Eggs and Ham and New Jersey said “Yo” to marriage equality so the Boston Red Sox won the World Series in VI games but THE WEBSITE DIDN’T WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!
November – Unable to access THE WEBSITE THAT WASN’T WORKING!!!!! a gunman opened fire at Los Angeles International Airport, causing Typhoon Haiyan to break records and pretty much everything else in the Philippines while Hawaii said “`Ae” to marriage equality, forcing Illinois to follow along so JPMorgan Chase would agree to a $13 billion fine because THE PRESIDENT CAN’T EVEN FIX A WEBS–!!!!!
December – Never mind. Nothing to see. Really. Yeah, 3.3 million people signed up health insurance through the Affordable Care Act, but BENGHAZI!!!! Uh, never mind. Oh, and Pope Francis is a Marxist and Santa Claus and Jesus are white and so is Duck Dynasty and if that bothers you then First Amendment dammit and yeah Congress passed a budget but debt ceiling and Republicans should get something for that and oh bye bye extended unemployment and Merry Christmas suckers because the NSA’s Edward Snowden Memorial Metadata Marathon was illegal or it wasn’t depending on which court you believe but New Mexico said “Si” and Utah was told “Yes” right before Target lost your credit card data and how dare MSNBC insult Mitt Romney?!?
So Good Bye and Good Riddance, 2013. Don’t let the calendar hit you on the way out.