Once my screenwriting career gets rolling, I’m going to write a book. Then I can go on TV and chitter mindlessly, like She Who Shall Not Be Named. (More)

You’ll be pleased to know that I got several calls yesterday after posting my latest screenplay, Elitism and You. Admittedly, none was from a movie studio. To be perfectly honest, the calls weren’t even about my screenplay. One said I’d won a free cruise and I only had to pay a reservation fee with my credit card to claim my prize. I texted them to explain that I’m a squirrel and I have no credit cards, and they texted back to say I hadn’t won after all. The other calls were wrong numbers.

But my “Hooray for Hollywood” ring tone worked so I know those screenwriting offers will come rolling in soon. Once I’ve written a few more educational blockbusters and finished my thesis on 21st Century Political Nuttitude, I’ll write a book. Then I can go on TV, chitter mindlessly, and get rich.

My current plan is to write a book about The War On The Feast of St. Francis. He’s the patron saint of squirrels and we’re generous so we let other animals share the holiday too. In fact, lots of churches bless pets on his feast day. But did any stores have “Happy Bless Your Pet Day” signs back on October 4th? Did any clerks wish you “Happy St. Francis Day?”

Humans are only 14% of the world’s land-based animal biomass – the best estimate is that we squirrels outnumber you by almost 4:1 – but did you see a single major media story about the year’s most important holiday for most of the world’s population? But Christmas gets huge coverage every year.

Still, that didn’t stop She Who Shall Not Be Named from writing a book about the War On Christmas. She demands that people wish her “Merry Christmas” – and not “Happy Holidays” – because otherwise they’re abridging her religious freedom. Their religious freedom is, as always, irrelevant.

Of course, so is She Who Shall Not Be Named, or she should be. She quit halfway through her term as Governor of Alaska, and quit her last big bus tour. Her reality TV show was canceled. Fox News even fired her, at least for six months. But she wrote a book, or some ghost writer agreed to let her put her name on their writing, so now she gets to go on TV and tell African-Americans what slavery really means:

SHE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED: There is another definition of slavery and that is being beholden to some kind of master that is not of your choosing. And, yes, the national debt will be like slavery when the note comes due.
[…]
TAPPER: You can understand why African-Americans or others might be offended by it, though?

SWWNBN: I – I can if they choose to misinterpret what it is that I’m saying. And, again, you know, I’m sure if we open up the dictionary, we could prove that with semantics that are various, we can prove that there is a definition of slavery that absolutely fits the bill there[.]

“Prove with semantics that are various?” I asked Chef what kind of dressing goes best on that word salad. She suggested that icky not-really-mayonnaise whose name combines religion and kinky sex. I guess that fits.

I guess she could use Merriam-Webster’s second definition – “submission to a dominating influence” – but then she said “submission” means “respect” so I guess she can “prove with semantics that are various” that anyone who respects someone else is a slave, just like blacks were before the Civil War, right?

SWWNBN is also upset at the pope. Maybe. As you may remember, I covered the Papal Conclave, with some help from a feathered friend, and this pope chose the name Francis, so I kinda like him. But SWWNBN isn’t sure if she does:

Having read through media outlets, he’s had some statements that to me sounded kind of liberal, has taken me aback, has kind of surprised me. But there again unless I really dig deep into what his messaging is, and do my own homework, I’m not going to just trust what I hear in the media.

This from someone who was annoyed by a question about what newspapers she reads. As a TPM reader replied:

When [SWWNBN] sits down to do her homework she usually ends up getting crayon all over the wall.

Anyway, my point is that once I get that book about the War On The Feast Of St. Francis done, I can go on TV too. I couldn’t use my Blewberry to text in English while I’m in the studio, but even my untranslated chittering would make at least as much sense as anything SWWNBN says on her book tour to nowhere.

Good day and good nuts.