This year Hollywood, Wallywood, Bollywood, and Evelynwood collaborated to avoid these movies and TV series…. (More)

Welcome back to the 5th Annual BPI Awards, the curvaceous and coveted Bippies that honor the best in non-existence. Yesterday we praised non-existence in advertising. Today we honor movies and TV series that were not made. Tomorrow we conclude with political columns that were not written.

We’re still not at the opulent Kodiak Theater, as the bears woke only long enough to use our written request to do what bears do after they do what bears do in the woods. And entertainment reporters from around the world did not call to say they were not sorry to be late and will not be coming after all.

Before we return to the awards, let’s check in with our roving reporter and Ms. Scarlet in our backstage featurette, Stuck in the Behind: The Growth of the Bippies:

Squirrel@BPI: They must use a really tiny needle because I can’t see anything unless you … oh, we’re back. Hi. Ms. Scarlet, how has modeling for the curvaceous and coveted Bippie changed your life?

Scarlet@BPI: Well, I guess more people recognize me.

Squirrel@BPI: Do you like the attention?

Scarlet@BPI: I don’t notice it, really. They don’t recognize me until I’m walking away.

Squirrel@BPI: How do you handle that?

Scarlet@BPI: I walk farther away.

Squirrel@BPI: So no autographs, then?

Scarlet@BPI: I did allow autographs for a while, but laundry was just impossible. Plus I’m ticklish.

Okay then. We’ll get back to them later in the ceremony. Now on to the awards. As always, the votes were tabulated in BPI’s state-of-the-art High-Energy Meta Mojo Elucidation Detector (HEMMED) Lab, and the results then sealed in Pootie the Precious’ litter box. We apologize for the smell.

So without further adieux, here are the nominees for the 2013 BPI Awards in Movies That Were Not Made:

The Plaid Swan

Trailer: In a world of art and passion, the line between reality and dreams can bend into nightmares. For Rona McDonough, there is only one art, only one passion, only one dream. But how long can she skirl before madness strikes?

Director’s Comment: I wanted to convey the inner conflict of the artist, and I thought the best way to do that was to make the audience listen to bagpipes until they went insane.


Trailer: As a nation tears itself apart, one man stands stand tall and firm. You’ve seen Lincoln. Now meet his most famous rival … and witness the passionate love story that changed the course of American history.

Director’s Comment: I’ve always wanted to do a serious historical film about the Lincoln-Douglass debates, but fire codes don’t let us lock the doors to keep the audience from leaving. So I made up a girl and added some sex scenes.

The Hibbit

Trailer: In a mystical world of mystery and myth, follow young Bolbo Buggins as he and a band of dwarves, led by a powerful wizard, set off in search of a magical river guarded by a dark dragon.

Director’s Comment: Fantasy is a popular genre but I didn’t want to just rehash a cliché. So rather than looking for gold and treasure and all that stuff, my hero and his crew are on a quest to cure their hiccups.

I’m sure you’ll agree that these nominees are worthy of their non-existence. Before we announce any winners, let’s see the nominees for TV Series that were not made:

Outhouse Preppers

Meet the people who are preparing for the end of civilization, especially indoor plumbing. Watch them construct the facilities that will help them survive … and marvel at the many substitutes for tissue. Are you ready to flush modern life?


The makers of Scandal bring you a cutting edge, ripped-from-the-headlines series on politics and the media. An all-star cast will show you how the seeds of controversy are sown, nurtured, and brought into full bloom using nothing but hot air.


You’ve thrilled to the movies. Now see the shocking truth behind the government agents who find and manage your beloved superheroes: the Secret World Order Recruiting Department. With special appearances by Glenn Goldforest and Edward Snowflake.

Truly, the excellence of these nominees’ non-existence cannot be overstated. And the winners are …

Douglas and Outhouse Preppers, because you’ll want to dump one in the other.

Tune in tomorrow for our exciting conclusion: the political columns that were not written. And please give today’s winners a big round of … something.


Happy Friday!