Given the weight of the scientific evidence, conservatives who deny evolution are nuts. You’re all my children. By that I mean … you’re squirrels. (More)

Humans aren’t as beautiful as squirrels. For starters, you lost your tails a few million years ago, and that’s unfortunate because – frankly – a lot of you are … well … unbalanced. Then again, I’m not sure a tail would help Wayne LaPierre. But I digress.

Fact is, we squirrels don’t think much about being beautiful. We clean ourselves and such, but we don’t bother with this kind of evolution:

Instead, we’re more proud of this kind of evolution:

That’s your earliest primate ancestor: Purgatorius. Don’t blame me for the name. But be honest: doesn’t he (or she) remind you of that night in college when you … well, you know the night I mean. And aren’t you glad none of your friends had cell phones with video cameras?

Anyway, that was you, back in the Palocene Era. But now biologists can wind the clock back a bit more and show us the earliest placental mammal:

First Placental Animal photo firstplacentalmammal.jpg

That’s our mom. Come on, admit it. She’s a cutie. She’s about 65 million years old, and she’s the first mammal to carry fertilized eggs in her placenta and bear live young. Including all of my ancestors. And all of yours.

Yes, that’s right. You’re a squirrel.

So as you head out to that meeting, remember: it could look like this:

And if you happen to have a few extra macadamias when you pass by the park, or Árbol Squirrel … hey, we’re family. I’m just sayin’.

Good day and good nuts.