“There are three kinds of people in this world,” Professor Plum said, tugging the elastic band that held the glittery hat atop his head. “Those who can count, and those who can’t.”

He read the mail. (More)

Professor Plum then blew his noisemaker before Ms. Scarlet took his hand and led him away to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

The Professor of Astrology Janitor was in a party mood, with several stacks of chips to mark his success in the staff poker game. He cheerfully splashed a few into pot as he peeked at the Ace and Nine of Hearts, then called Chef’s raise. When he saw the Ace and Nine of Spades on the flop alongside the Jack of Hearts, he began to hum the familiar theme from Offenbach’s Orpheus in the Underworld, also known as the BPI Birthday Song, and tossed in a few more chips. Chef called, and the Professor of Astrology Janitor merrily watched the Ten of Hearts fall on the turn. Now with paired Aces and Nines plus a Heart flush draw, he chair-danced as he made his bet. He then froze, one leg still in the air, when Chef bet the rest of her chips.

Thankfully, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was wearing his overalls, rather than petticoats with stockings and garters, thus preserving his modesty. But he pointed his toes perfectly, despite his work boots. He studied Chef and finally said “You can’t, can you?”

Receiving no answer, he lowered his leg and folded his hand. Chef turned over her King and Queen of Spades and smiled. “Yes I can-can.”

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling. Chef left for the kitchen to make Blueberry Stuffed Party Muffins, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….


Dear Ms. Crissie,

We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults. We had a number of Republicans damage the brand this year with offensive and bizarre comments. I’m here to say we’ve had enough of that. Don’t you agree?

Bobby in LA

Dear Bobby,

We agree with your admission of your party’s stupidity. That said, we note that the “offensive and bizarre comments” to which you refer were not rogue statements. Most of those statements accurately reflected the 2012 Republican Party Platform, which was equally “offensive and bizarre.” Perhaps you meant it was “stupid” for so many Republicans to plainly state what your party believes.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

I don’t think the Republican Party platform is stupid, and that’s why I proposed a bill that would define tampering with evidence to include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime.

Cathrynn in NM

Dear Cathrynn,

We wonder if you have ever seen a sexual assault forensic evidence or SAFE kit. The standard examination, conducted at a hospital when a woman reports a rape, gathers the requisite forensic evidence including DNA samples if they are available. Thus there is no reason for the victim to ‘preserve’ the DNA evidence of her attacker, except your party’s stubborn insistence on marginalizing the horror of rape while you remain fixated on abortion.


Dear Ms. Crissie,

Whenever I talk about religious liberty, you know Democrats turn it around. All they talk about – they don’t talk about denying religious liberty. They talk about contraception. And I’m not talking about contraception. Government doesn’t have a role in contraception. Government does have a role in protecting your civil rights especially today on MLK Day. The man who really came up with the American non-violent protest theory of civil disobedience. It’s pretty egregious that they can’t get any higher than contraception when we’re talking about protecting people’s religious liberty.

Ken in VA

Dear Ken,

We note that, under Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, “religious liberty” does not include an employer’s right to impose his religious beliefs on employees. Health insurance benefits are earned, like salary or wages. An employee’s health care choices are about her constitutional rights, not her employer’s “religious liberty.”


Dear Ms. Crissie,

First health care and now gun regulations. It’s too much intrusion. The federal government is bleeding into our constitutional rights. That’s why I want my state to form Neutralization Committee to assess federal laws and, if the Mississippi State Legislature votes by simple majority to neutralize any federal statute, mandate or executive order on the grounds of its lack of proper constitutionality, then the state and its citizens shall not recognize or be obligated to live under the statute, mandate or executive order.

Gary in MS

Dear Gary,

Please direct your attention to Article IV, Clause 2 of the U.S. Constitution, which provides that the U.S. Constitution, federal statutes, and treaties are “the supreme law of the land.” Article III of the U.S. Constitution creates the federal judiciary, which the Supreme Court determined in Marbury v. Madison had the authority to assess the constitutionality of federal laws. In other words, the federal courts – not your Neutralization Committee or the Mississippi Legislature – decide whether a federal statute is constitutional. Your idea has been attempted before, many times, and has never been upheld. We also note that adding an S to the front of your name would spell “schism.” How apropos.


Dear Ms. Crissie,


Scott in MA

Dear Scott,



Dear Ms. Crissie,

Umm, okay. How do I make Chef’s Blueberry Stuffed Party Muffins, and are they bqantefing?

Not Muffing Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Not Muffing Breakfast,

As with any food, whether Chef’s Blueberry Stuffed Party Muffins are fattening depends on how many you eat. To make them, first combine 2½ cups of all-purpose flour with ¾ cup of sugar, 1 Tablespoon of baking powder, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and 1 teaspoon of salt in a large bowl. In a separate bowl, combine ¾ cup of buttermilk with ½ cup of milk, ⅓ cup of ricotta cheese, 1 Tablespoon of vanilla extract, 1 teaspoon of almond extract, 1 beaten egg, and 2 Tablespoons of vegetable oil. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and stir until just combined. Lightly oil three mini-muffin tins and fill each cup ⅓ full with the muffin batter. Add ½ teaspoon of blueberry preserves to each cup, then top off with batter. Bake at 400°F for 10-12 minutes, until a toothpick emerges clean, and let stand for 5 minutes before tipping muffins onto a wire cooling rack. Bon appétit!



Bobby in LA; 2012 Republican Party Platform.

Cathrynn in NM; forensic evidence including DNA samples.

Ken in VA; Title VII, 1964 Civil Rights Act.

Gary in MS; Article VI, Clause 2; Article III; Marbury v. Madison; has been attempted before, many times.

Scott in MA.


Happy Sunday!