“Behind door number one, we have a bowl of used cat litter,” Professor Plum said. “Would you like to see door number two?”

He read the mail. (More)

Door number two was much better, being a bowl of empty walnut shells. We were about to ask about door number three when Ms. Scarlet led Professor Plum off to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was pondering a similar offer from Chef, who had offered to let him take one fifth of the chips in the pot rather than play out the hand after both went all-in before the flop. He held only two red Jacks, while Chef held two black Kings, so it was a fair deal. Indeed her offer was more than fair, as her Kings were almost an 81% favorite. Still taking the deal gave away the 19% chance his Jacks might get lucky. After much rumination, he took the deal and the hand was over. Still, the Professor of Astrology Janitor had to know, so Chef turned up the next card. He began his plaintive mewling, and Chef left for the kitchen to make Eggs Benedict Casserole, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I think that my constituents sent me to Washington to think for myself. And I want to vote the way they want me to vote. I don’t want to be dictated to by anybody in Washington, as to how I’m going to vote on anything. There are tax deductions and credits we can close to raise revenue. When I said I care about my country more than I do about a 20-year-old pledge, that’s what I’m talking about. Things have changed in 20 years. We didn’t owe $17 trillion 20 years ago. We’re in a different world today. Don’t you agree?

Saxby in GA

Dear Saxby,

We congratulate your willingness to set aside your pledge to Grover Norquist. That said, we note that professors Simon Johnson and James Kwak, relying on data from the Congressional Budget Office, found that closing tax deductions and credits alone will not raise enough new revenue to significantly reduce our deficit unless those deductions and credits hit hardworking families. You are offering essentially the same tax plan that Mitt Romney campaigned on, and we feel compelled to remind you that he lost the election.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

We know President Obama won the election, and we Republicans are willing to compromise. But in exchange for new tax revenue, we want entitlement reform. You could look at our budget from the last two years, and there are plenty of specific proposals, most of which were part of the conversation that the president and I had two years ago, or a year and a half ago. There have been discussions about many of those same issues this time. So there’s a lot from the conversations that we have had to inform almost anybody of the kind of proposals that we’re looking for. There’s a stalemate.

John in OH

Dear John,

If we understand you correctly, because President Obama won the election, you offer a “compromise” wherein Democrats accept Mitt Romney’s tax plan and Republicans get Paul Ryan’s spending plan. If this is your idea of “compromise,” we’re not shocked that there’s a stalemate.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

I was asked a question about global warming before my speech on energy at the Western Governor’s Association. Everybody has an opinion on it, you know, and I, you know, I probably don’t believe that it’s man made. I believe that, you know, that weather elements are controlled maybe by different things. Where the hell did that question come from?

Jan in AZ

Dear Jan,

We can’t imagine why a reporter ask you a question about global warming before your speech about energy. The question would make sense if you accepted the scientific consensus linking climate change to human activity, primarily the burning of fossil fuels. But as you reject that consensus, obviously there would be no reason to ask you about global warming before you speak about energy. We hope you have an ample supply of fresh air inside your bubble.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

So Republicans are playing Benedict Arnold to Grover Norquist, sorta kinda? Is that why Chef is making an Eggs Benedict Casserole, rather than the traditional recipe? And how do I make that?

Sorta Kinda Hungry in Blogistan

Dear Sorta Kinda Hungry,

Chef said the Eggs Benedict Casserole is an easier way to make this classic dish. To make it, first chop ¾ pound of Canadian bacon and spread half on the bottom of a 13×9″ baking dish. Split six English muffins and cut them into 1″ squares, then spread them in the dish and top with the remaining Canadian bacon. In a large bowl, whisk 8 eggs and 2 cups of 2% milk together with ¼ teaspoon paprika. Pour that over the bacon and muffins, then cover the dish and refrigerate overnight. Remove the dish from the refrigerator and let stand at room temperature for 30 minutes, then bake covered at 375° for 35 minutes. Uncover and bake for another 10-25 minutes, until a toothpick emerges clean.

Chef tops each serving with a Hollandaise sauce, which she makes by combining 3 egg yolks, ¼ teaspoon of Dijon mustard, 1 Tablespoon of lemon juice, and a dash of hot pepper sauce in a blender. Cover and blend for about five seconds, then melt ½ cup of butter in the microwave. With the blender on high, slowly drizzle in the melted butter and let the sauce thicken. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Saxby in OK; closing tax deductions and credits alone will not raise enough new revenue.

John in OH; “compromise“.

Jan in AZ; scientific consensus on climate change.

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Happy Sunday!