Professor Plum brought a gift-wrapped whoopie cushion into the mail room and asked us to send it to Ann Coulter. He read the mail. (More)

We suggested that Professor Plum mail the package himself, perhaps while he’s reading next week’s mail. He agreed and left with Ms. Scarlet to join the resident faculty in the wine cellar library, where they’ll spend the weekend drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum (“More wine, more truth”).

In the staff poker game, the Professor of Astrology Janitor was pondering whether and how to play a pair of red Sixes. Rather than open with a raise and face the sickening prospect of a re-raise, he chose to just call Chef’s big blind. Chef checked, and checked again on when the Five and Seven of Spades and the Six of Clubs came on the flop. With three Sixes, and not wanting to give Chef a free draw toward a flush, the Professor of Astrology Janitor offered a pot-sized bet. Chef calmly called, and again checked when the Six of Spades fell at the turn. Now with four Sixes and hoping to lure Chef into betting at the river, the Professor of Astrology Janitor also checked. The Ace of Spaces on the river drew a pot-sized bet from Chef. Now sure he had laid his trap perfectly, the Professor of Astrology Janitor raised an equal amount. Chef pushed in the rest of her chips, and he quickly called and turned over his Sixes. Chef smiled and turned up her Four and Eight of Spades, her straight-flush the only hand that could beat his four-of-a-kind.

The Professor of Astrology Janitor began his plaintive mewling, and Chef headed for the kitchen to make Whoopie Pies, leaving your lowly mail room clerk to review the week’s correspondence….

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Did you see how I got Whoopi Goldberg to curse on The View this week? She asked me what I knew about being black, but this isn’t a book about black people. It’s a book about white liberals, and I do know, and this is a fact, once for years, Republican policies on crime and welfare for example were called racist. When they finally got implemented after the OJ verdict, implemented by Giuliani in New York, Reagan and Bush judges overall, tens of thousands of black lives were saved. That’s a fact. I don’t think that liberals ever cared about black people. Five minutes after the civil rights act of ’64, they start calling everything that doesn’t have to do with black people a “civil rights issue.” Civil rights are for blacks, and it’s ridiculous that we have various groups like gay rights groups, those defending immigrants, and feminists have commandeered the black civil rights experience. Since she cursed first, I won, right?

Ann in FL

Dear Ann,

We congratulate your courage, as we doubt most people would be as eager to broadcast their ignorance on nationwide television. In fact your book is entirely about your fantasy of the black experience, a fantasy where President Obama was elected “long after persistent racial discrimination had ended,” a fantasy that either denies the existence of discriminatory police tactics like New York City’s stop-and-frisk policy that created a climate of fear and humiliation in minority communities, or insists that climate is better for Those People because it reduces crime.

As for your claim that civil rights are for blacks, we would suggest you tell that to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who supported farm labor organizer Cesar Chavez with a telegram that read “Our separate struggles are really one. A struggle for freedom, for dignity, and for humanity,” and who died supporting a sanitation workers’ strike in Memphis. We would also suggest you ask Dr. King’s wife, Coretta Scott King, who hosted the second convention of the National Organization for Women and later spoke out for LGBT marriage equality.

We would suggest you ask them about civil rights, but of course you can’t because they’re dead. You could ask someone like Jesse Jackson, who has criticized draconian immigration policies like the recent Arizona law and likened the struggle for marriage equality to the battle against slavery. As a colleague and friend of Dr. King, Rev. Jackson might have something to say about what is a “civil rights issue.”

But of course you won’t ask Rev. Jackson because your book is all about the post-Simpson-verdict “renaissance of black people with different opinions different from Jesse Jackson’s.” Which is to say, conservative black people who were not part of the 1960s civil rights movement. Apparently only you – and black people who agree with you, which is to repeat: only you – get to decide what is “a civil rights issue.”

Given your rejection of black perspectives that challenge your narrow, bigoted views, we are neither surprised nor upset that Whoopi Goldberg called your argument “bulls–t.” Indeed our only objection is that her response was unfair … to bovine feces.

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Dear Ms. Crissie,

Is Chef making Whoopie Pies to celebrate Whoopi Goldberg, or because one of the satellite faculty expressed a desire for a broader breakfast menu? And how do I make those Whoopie Pies?

Cushioning Breakfast in Blogistan

Dear Cushioning Breakfast,

Chef is making Whoopie Pies for both reasons. She is using Bobby Flay’s Whoopie Pie recipe, which uses professional proportions. You may wish to adjust proportions to fit your family … or make extra pies to enjoy later in the day. Bon appétit!

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Sources:

Ann in FL; it’s a book about white liberals; civil rights are for blacks; discriminatory police tactics; climate of fear and humiliation; Dr. King telegram to Chavez; Memphis sanitation worker’s strike; Mrs. King hosted NOW convention; spoke out for LGBT marriage equality; Jesse Jackson on immigration; likened struggle for marriage equality to battle against slavery; renaissance of black people with opinions different from Jesse Jackson’s.

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Happy Sunday!